


On Thresholds and Passing Through Them -or- La Cathédrale Engloutie

by Taylor Dancinghands (tdancinghands)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Fake Character Death, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-13
Updated: 2012-05-16
Packaged: 2017-11-05 07:56:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 51,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tdancinghands/pseuds/Taylor%20Dancinghands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney McKay's apparent death tears an enormous hole in the lives of many on Atlantis, especially his lover, Carson Beckett. It seems only natural when Carson turns to Radek and John for comfort, even when the three of them grow closer than expected. Then, their new, fragile equilibrium becomes threataned, by what ought to be the best possible news, for Rodney McKay is not dead at all...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers/Season: Possible minor references to episodes through season 3.
> 
> Beta: Working without a net this time around, so any errors in spelling, grammar or continuity are all on me, but special thanks anyhow to mice1900 for virtual over-the-shoulder reading and general encouragements.
> 
>  
> 
> And, lest I forget, (perish the thought) Radek would not know nearly as many lovely things to say in Czech without my invaluable, local language adviser, dinofly.

Maybe, after all this time, Elizabeth thought, she had acquired a sort of sixth sense when it came to returning gate teams. Maybe, though, it was only the highly attuned people-reading skills she'd always had and put to use as a diplomat that informed her, as she saw Sheppard come through the gate that day, that something was seriously wrong... more wrong than usual.

He was soaking wet, as were Teyla and Ronon who followed in his wake, and though they hadn't called for assistance, and each stepped through at a leisurely pace, indicating that there was no hostile pursuit involved, the air of deep distress that radiated from all of them had Elizabeth barreling down the stairs as fast as her legs could carry her. The penny dropped as she reached the bottom and watched the gate close behind Ronon, leaving three dripping and despondent team members alone with her in the gate room. Rodney was not among them.

Stumbling to a stop before the three remaining team members, Elizabeth found herself raising her hand to her mouth in dismay. "Where..." she whispered with dread, "where's Rodney?"

"There wasn't anything..." Sheppard began, choking on his words. "We did everything we could... we stayed until we had to... we had to... He told us..." Sheppard closed his eyes then and drew a deep breath, doing what he could to pull himself together. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth," he managed at last. "We lost him. He... he's gone."

"How?" She forced her hands down from her face, following John's example and pulling herself together, as much as possible. "Tell me what happened."

The expression on Sheppard's face grew very dark, and though he seemed to be trying to find words, none came. He blames himself, of course, Elizabeth thought with a pang, and then Teyla spoke, her voice smooth and too accustomed to grief.

"The city became partially active when Dr McKay and the Colonel entered it," she began, "and a number of doors closed themselves behind us, without warning. Rodney was able to open the doors between us and the exit, but was unable to free himself from the room he had entered in time."

"The tide..." Elizabeth remembered this from the pre-mission briefing. The city -an Ancient city Lorne had described as a 'miniature Atlantis' perhaps one tenth the size of their own city- had been cast up on the shores of MX-374 ages ago, possibly tossed there by storms or a tidal wave. The residents of one of the abundant islands and archipelagos of this world of shallow seas (Elizabeth had privately wanted to call it 'Earthsea') had been happy to direct Lorne's team to this remarkable artifact, and had been perfectly willing to let the offworlders explore it. The catch was that nearly all of it was underwater now, though once every six weeks or so the moons of this world brought a particularly low tide which retreated from approximately seventy percent of the miniature city/spaceship.

The natives hadn't warned of any curses or taboos regarding the city, and even recounted how, in the past, some remarkable and useful artifacts had been looted from the few exposed areas of the city. They made it clear, however, that going into the deeper parts of the vessel during these low tides was dangerous and that, among the locals, exploring it was considered foolhardy. But we are foolhardy all the time, Elizabeth reflected tragically. It's what we do. Have we forgotten that, eventually, there must be consequences to tempting fate again and again?

"Yes," Teyla nodded. "The tide was already beginning to turn when we became trapped, and Rodney worked as quickly as he could to free us. The water had become quite high in our own compartment when he was finally able to open the doors that would let us return to the surface, but he had gone ahead into the next room just before the doors closed, and neither he nor we, for all our efforts, were able to open the doors that trapped him before the water became too high."

Trapped, Elizabeth thought with horror, trapped and drowned -a fate that Rodney had only narrowly escaped once before. "Oh my god," she whispered.

"We... we stayed on the radio with him till... till the end," John said, struggling to maintain control. "We wouldn't leave him... even when he told us to go."

Elizabeth wasn't sure her own voice was terribly steady when she waved a hand to let them know that she had heard enough, for now. "All right," she said quietly. "We can meet for a debriefing... later; I'll let you know when. For now, you all need dry clothes and... and..."

Teyla shook her head. "Before anything else," she said sorrowfully, "I believe we need to inform Dr Beckett."

Oh dear god, Elizabeth felt her throat constrict. Carson. He and Rodney had been together -as devoted a couple as Elizabeth had ever known- for over a year now. This news would come as a cruel, cruel blow... to one of the kindest, gentlest people she had ever met. Had she been a stronger person, Elizabeth supposed, she'd have gone with them to deliver the news, but she wasn't.

"Of... of course," she managed, barely able to get the words out. She was going to lose it any second now, and she had to get away... "Tell him if there's anything he needs, or if there's anything any of you need..." She couldn't finish, but Teyla, bless her, understood.

"We will let him know," she said, touching Elizabeth's hand gently. "Rest assured."

"Good," Elizabeth said, nodding desperately, and then she fled, up the stairs to her office to shut the door behind her, collapse at her desk, bury her face in her hands and give way to helpless, wretched tears.

She did not even see the three remaining team members leave the gate room on their mission of sorrow.

~*****~

John knew he was running on autopilot, had been since he'd let Teyla and Ronon pull him from that cursed ruin of a city with McKay's water choked voice still ringing in his ears. John Sheppard was no stranger to fuckups, but he did not think he'd ever let so many people down so badly before, and worse, they were people he had come to care about -a lot. There was no way he was ready to confront what Rodney had meant to him personally; facing Carson was going to be bad enough.

Carson was alone in his lab when they found him, which was a small mercy. If their wet and bedraggled forms didn't warn him that something was badly amiss, John's turning back to lock the lab door behind him would be a sure sign that the news they brought was very bad indeed. The man was no fool, and one look at the three of them, seeing who was not there, told Carson the worst of it.

"Oh no..." he breathed as he turned to face them. "Please, lord, no..."

"We are so very sorry, Carson," once again, it was Teyla who had the strength to speak -a strength that made John feel weak and foolish beside her. "Rodney became trapped in the ruins we were exploring on MX-374 as the tide came in. He could not free himself, nor could we, for all our efforts."

Carson remained standing, all but frozen in shock as he reached out a hand to grasp Teyla's shoulder. "Drowned...?" he asked at last, his voice strained with grief stricken bewilderment. "Are ye tellin' me he's drowned?"

"We tried..." John finally spoke. "We tried everything, Carson, but those fucking doors... we didn't have any tools, we couldn't get them open... god we tried everything... He saved our asses too. We were all trapped and he figured out how to get us free, but he couldn't manage for himself."

John couldn't meet Carson's gaze, couldn't bear to see the tears starting in those bright, soulful blue eyes, but he saw Teyla move closer to him, as Ronon, a silent pillar of strength, closed in behind him.

"He was so very brave, Carson," Teyla said. "And he was not alone -though a door stood between us, the radio channel remained open. He knew he was not alone."

"Then... then he's still there...?" John could hear the tears in Carson's voice, though he still did not dare face him. He'd fall apart if he did, and he couldn't... just couldn't.

"We'll go back for him," Ronon spoke at last. "In forty days, the villagers said, the tide goes back out again, and we'll be back. We'll bring what we need to get him out -pry bars, cutting torches, whatever it takes- and we'll bring him home."

At one point in his career, John had done air-sea rescue in the North Sea, and he had the unhappy experience of seeing what a forty day drowned body looked like. The idea that they would find Rodney like that tore John up inside like nothing he'd ever experienced. Ronon's words seemed to strike Carson with a sense of finality as well.

"Oh god, Rodney..." he sobbed, and Teyla pulled him close, finding a chair for him so that he could sit as his legs gave way. John felt as helpless as he had standing chest deep in the rising sea water in that cursed city, listening to Rodney's panicked voice telling them to get out, that it was to late for him. He'd said other things too, John suddenly recalled.

"He... he said to tell you, Carson..." John began, dreading to speak such personal words, but knowing that it was just one tiny part of the penance he owed Rodney's memory. "He said... he said..." But John couldn't get the words out, couldn't muster up the courage, or strength, or whatever it was that he was clearly missing... and he failed Rodney once again.

"His last thoughts were of you, Carson, and his last words," Teyla intercepted smoothly. "He loved you very much, and he wanted you to know that at the end."

John made himself look then, thinking that it was the least he could do, and saw Teyla kneeling before the grieving man, letting him rest his head against her shoulder as Ronon's hand lay gently on his back. He should be there with them, he knew, but John couldn't make himself move from where he stood by the door, thinking of men who became frozen in the heat of battle and of what others always said about them afterward. Coward, he thought to himself. That's what I am.

"We fucked up," John said, knowing those words too well, and finding them much easier to say than others. "I fucked up... I don't know what we could have done... but there had to have been something, and I should have thought of it... I... god I'm sorry..."

"John..." Carson lifted his head, revealing his tear streaked face, his shattered, pain filled eyes. "It's no your fault John..."

"Of course it's my fault," John ground out. "Who else's fault could it be?"

"Sheppard..." Ronon's voice was tired, but also warning and John had no stomach for this fight.

"I have to go tell Radek," John said, giving himself an escape route, though bearing this news to the science department -and to his own lover- would hardly be any more pleasant.

"John, please..." Carson plead, but he turned to go anyway, knowing himself irrefutably for a coward.

"Zelenka'll sort him," he heard Ronon say as the door closed behind him. Maybe, John thought to himself, though it seemed more likely that after he heard this news, Radek would never speak to him again.

 

~*****~


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radek gets the bad news.

Others would likely say that it was because of his Slavic temperament, though Radek personally thought that it was the result of living three years on Atlantis, where bad news came frequently, and too often with disastrous portent, that when John appeared in the lab, his uniform half soaked and salt stained, and a broken, self loathing revealed in his eyes, Radek only thought to himself with resignation, at last; the day has finally come, as I always knew it would.

The man hesitated as he stepped into the busy lab, meeting Radek's eyes but finding no words. Radek nodded his head in the direction of a small storage room he knew would be empty just now and John followed him in the manner of a man walking to his execution. Once they were inside, and the door secured behind them, Radek listened to John stammer out his sorry news.

He found that he felt not the least bit of surprise, as the man sketched out the rough facts of what had happened. He knew that the full impact would hit him later, but for now he could not imagine how hard it would hit when it did. It was too big, too much to be truly comprehended. It would all come home home to him gradually, over the next few days and weeks, one agonizing piece at a time.

Just now, however, there was only one piece, and that was standing before him, struggling mightily to hold back what he felt, fighting to keep from breaking apart into too many pieces to put back together easily. Radek had never seen John Sheppard so close to the edge, so close that he could actually see the impending abyss in his eyes. He needed to get John somewhere safe, and himself somewhere that he could begin to process what this all meant. He had to get them both out of the labs, but he could not do that without facing the other scientists out in the lab, who must know by now that something was up.

Ah yes, there was another piece. He was head of sciences now. This realization brought with it a wave of near panic, but Radek held it off, removing his glasses briefly to rub at his eyes and then pushing his hair back with shaking hands. He was not very far from breaking either.

"We need to get out of here," Radek said at last, and John nodded wordlessly in concurrence. "Something... something should be said, before we go, as well. They all deserve to know." Radek inclined his head to indicate those working in the labs outside. "Do you want to... or would you rather that I...?"

John shook his head. "I... they're your people. I wouldn't know..."

"Very well," Radek said, drawing himself up as he turned to the door. He could do this. He would have to; this was his job now.

The room fell silent as he entered; there was no hiding the gravity of this news from such a group of highly intelligent people. Most of them had come to their own conclusions and many had probably drawn the correct one. Now they were only waiting for confirmation. Radek didn't know if that made it easier or not.

He didn't have to wait for all eyes to come to him; they were there as soon as he stepped into the center of the lab. "I am very sorry to inform you," he said without preamble, "that Dr Rodney McKay's life was lost on his most recent mission to MX-374, when he became trapped in the flooding city he was exploring."

Radek heard several soft cries of sorrow and dismay from the group of scientists in the lab as he made his announcement, and could not help but think how satisfied Rodney would have been to know the impact his death had made among is 'minions'. "I... ah..." and now Radek felt it necessary to glance over at Sheppard before making his next announcement. It seemed presumptuous, but John gave him a short, confirming nod.

"I will be temporarily assuming the position of head of sciences on Atlantis," he continued then, "until the SGC or the IOA confirms that I will take the position permanently, or chooses someone else." Radek was honestly torn about that, because as much as he did not want the job, he couldn't imagine that he would be satisfied with anyone else doing it either. What he really wanted was for Rodney to come back and take up his rightful place again, but that wasn't going to happen. Caught up in these unhappy thoughts, Radek was surprised when Sheppard began speaking.

"I... I think you should all know," he began as Radek looked up at him in surprise, "that Dr McKay's last act was to save the other members of his team, including myself, from a similar fate." Sheppard's voice was tight, only the familiar cadences of military phraseology, Radek could see, allowing him to speak at all. "He was a... a brave man, and it was an honor to serve with him."

Radek felt a swell of affection and admiration for his lover as he spoke, for Radek could see how hard it was, and also saw how his words effected the lab full of shocked and grieving scientists. In a small community where the relations between the military and civilian members were often strained, such words did much to bring them all closer. He reached up to lay his hand on Sheppard's arm, offering what little comfort and gratitude he could.

"Anyone who wishes to take rest of today off," Radek spoke into the silent and shell-shocked room, "please feel welcome to do so. For myself, I would be gratified..." Radek frowned and bit his lip, aware that everyone here knew that he had just lost a very close friend, but not really comfortable with showing that before all of them. "Unless there is emergency..." he finally managed, "I would appreciate a little time to come to terms... with all of this."

The mercy of working with such brilliant people was that they were every one of them a bit socially handicapped, and not one person tried to come up and give him a hug or anything so wretched. He was vaguely aware that there was a small circle of grieving women beginning to coalesce around Dr Kusanagi, but he was left free to turn to Sheppard, seeing an equal need to escape the scene in his eyes, and hasten out of the lab into the corridor.

Radek still had a hand on Sheppard's arm and it became a near death grip as he turned to head to his quarters. Some instinct of Radek's suggested that the man was likely to flee to face his grief alone, and Radek wasn't about to let him do that. He did not, himself, wish to be alone at all right now, and he knew that if John followed his own battle scarred instincts, he would lock himself away until he could lock his own feelings away even deeper. The John Sheppard who emerged after such a sojourn would be back to holding everyone at a safe distance again, and he'd never allow himself to return to being Radek's lover. Radek was certain of this, and was prepared to fight with everything he had to prevent it. The loss of his dearest friend was bad enough; he would not lose a lover into the bargain.

To be honest, there were still days that Radek felt a little astonished that he and John Sheppard had ever become lovers in the first place. It was because of Rodney that their lives had come to intersect, that much was simple enough, but what had drawn them closer together, into intimacy, was more mysterious and complicated. Radek's own theory was that they were both, after a fashion, victims of their respective nations' histories. Sheppard had, of course, been one of many victims of his country's ill-fated and ill-considered adventures in Afghanistan and the Middle East, and Radek, though most of his colleagues tended to forget this, had been uniquely victimized by his own nation's unfortunate era of Soviet style state socialism.

Here on Atlantis, Radek was fairly sure, John Sheppard was the only person who knew of the not inconsequential contributions that Radek had made to the Soviet nuclear and chemical weapons arsenal in his salad days, and Radek was the only person with whom John had ever shared the nature of the nightmares that came when the events of some mission had gotten a little too close to the things he had endured in Afghanistan. How each of them had come to detect the secret, dark burden the other carried, Radek could never figure, but they had, over time, come to recognize each other as odd kindred spirits, and had followed that inexplicable impulse to fall into bed together almost a year ago.

Radek knew that their closeness frightened John at times, but the very precariousness of life here on Atlantis had allowed Radek to see just how precious that closeness was, to both of them. Living through his nation's more recent history had shown to Radek just how important it was to fight for life's most precious things, and he could see that he had a fight ahead of him now, if he wished to keep John. Radek grieved Rodney's loss no less than Sheppard, he was sure, but his grief only added to his determination. He would not falter now, no matter how sore his heart.

John didn't really resist as Radek lead him to the quarters they usually shared. They were Radek's, nominally, because Sheppard had to keep his own for the sake of plausible deniability, and they had to look like John, and John alone, lived in them. Radek had managed to find a larger bed a few months back and, in a truly impressive feat of engineering, had managed to shoehorn it into the tiny room. It took up the lion's share of the space there now, but they really only used the room for sleeping (and other stuff) mostly anyhow, so the lost space wasn't really missed.

John seemed to take a few seconds to realize where he was as the door to the room closed and Radek released him. He glanced at the door briefly, in the manner of a trapped animal, then at Radek, and his expression shifted to one of defeat and resignation. He straightened awkwardly, looking confused as Radek sat heavily on the sofa.

"Look," John said eventually, "I appreciate that you didn't just tell me to fuck off forever out in the corridor, or the labs, but there's no need to linger over it. Just say what you need to say and I'll take my shit and get out of your life, okay?"

"Why..." Radek looked up to meet John's eyes, wanting him to see all his sorrow and his need. "Why would I do that?"

"Why?!" John pushed himself away from the wall and moved to pace in the tiny strip of space in front of the sofa. "I was the one who was supposed to keep him safe, and I didn't. I shouldn't have let him go in ahead of me, should have figured out a way to save him when he did get trapped... that's my fucking job, Radek, and I screwed up." He stopped in his pacing to turn and face Radek, though he didn't meet his eyes, staring at the floor at Radek's feet instead.

"Now you've lost your best friend and gotten stuck with the job you told me was the thing you dreaded most in the world, and it's my fault." John's hands were clenched into fists at his side, as though he wanted to hit something -the wall most likely, Radek thought sadly, so that he could hurt himself, punish himself for his supposed failures.

"Yes, of course," Radek snapped, suddenly angry with everything. "You should have magically foreseen behavior of ten thousand year old malfunctioning systems!" He waved his fingers in the air as if to simulate that 'magic'. "And then you should have manifested the strength of Hercules to open frozen door and free him! Of course, your failure to do any of these things previously is quite inexplicable, as they would have come in handy on numerous occasions!"

The sarcastic words hung in the air for a moment, vividly invoking the memory of the true master of sarcasm, and Radek was hearing his voice, as clearly as if it were yesterday...

" _'..You're right -- if only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine on Earth -- did you bring yours?!'_

Radek felt a sudden rush of heat to his face, and then, ah bože... there came the tears, finally, that he'd known must come. He yanked his glasses off, clutching them a little too tightly in one hand as he lowered his head into the other. "Sakra," he choked. "I even miss him being an asshole."

"I..." John's own voice was choked as well, and Radek could hear the trapped animal there again. "I should go..."

"Don't you dare!" Radek cried, lifting his head to shamelessly reveal his tear streaked face. "Don't you dare leave me now, John Sheppard," and he stood, stepping across the small space to grab both his arms, though his glasses were still grasped in his left hand, and pinning him to the wall. "Please... miláčku," he begged. "Please do not leave me alone now."

John Sheppard could easily have fought free of him, but he was fighting with himself instead; Radek saw it in his eyes. Radek's tears, and his need, were pushing John ever closer to the edge of that abyss, and he was struggling with everything he had to keep from going over.

"Why..." John's voice was little more than a whisper. "Why don't you hate me?"

"Why?" Radek threw John's earlier rhetorical question back at him. "Because you stayed with him, to the very end. You gave him something to hold onto as he saw the end coming. You helped him be brave and gave him comfort..." Radek's voice broke as he spoke, tears running unchecked over his cheeks. "Because you loved him too."

And this was the one thing about which they had never spoken -the elephant in the room of their relationship. Rodney McKay had very much belonged to Carson Beckett when he and Sheppard had begun, and it had been a long time coming, everyone had been able to see that, even the two of them. Rodney was spoken for, off limits... and very much desired.

It was another of the things that had likely brought Radek and John together in the beginning, but something they had never, ever mentioned. To mention it now was unspeakably cruel, but Radek was fighting with everything he had, and that meant that he was fighting dirty too.

"Don't..." John choked, his teeth clenched in agony.

"Ne!" Radek shouted angrily through his tears. "I will not hide the truth! Not now. And I will not let you lock your heart away to punish yourself for something that was not your fault. We both loved him, and just because we could not have him, it does not diminish what we feel."

"Please," John groaned. "I can't..."

"You can," Radek urged gently, loosening his grip slightly. "I will not leave you. I will not let you fall."

Hands still balled into fists, John wrapped his arms around himself tightly, as though trying to keep something inside, but even Radek could see the futility of that struggle.

"He... he was so scared... and so brave..." The words were strangled and John's eyes were shut tight as he spoke them, his breaths harsh and unsteady. "And I couldn't... I couldn't..."

"Já vim, miláčku, I know," Radek said softly, leaning up against his lover, touching his face with gentle fingers. "Sometimes... sometimes you can't. Sometimes there just isn't anything..."

He heard John's breath catch, as though he truly were strangling for a moment, and then a cry escaped him, harsh and agonized, hardly a human sound at all. Suddenly John's hands were fisted in Radek's shirt and he found himself supporting a fair portion of the man's weight as he succumbed finally to the first sob, torn from him violently so that his whole body shook with the force of it.

The sound was awful, as if each breath he took were laced with broken glass, tearing at his guts, and it came to Radek then, as he lead his lover over to the sofa to sit, that John Sheppard had probably not let himself weep over anything since he had been a small child. Radek thought it a uniquely American fallacy, that men should not weep, and reflected with sorrow that it only lead to this -a man so unpracticed at grieving that succumbing to it at last was as painful as the grief itself.

Pulling John down beside him to lay in his lap, Radek realized that he still had his glasses, tear and fingerprint smeared and probably a little bent now, clasped in his left hand. He mastered a momentary urge to hurl them across the room at the futility of it all, setting them precariously on the arm of the sofa instead. It wasn't futile, he reminded himself, as his own soft sobs mingled with John's more jagged ones. He had stopped John from running, had him here still, and so they could face this together now.

He had lost the finest friend he had ever known, and the world had lost a mind... and it was like a twist of the knife in Radek's heart to think of this -a mind whose like might not be seen again for another generation at least. These things would leave a gaping hole in Radek's world, and leave him with a heavy new burden as well, but he would not be alone in facing them. Combing his fingers through John's hair helped Radek hold on to the truth of this, and he knew the action soothed his lover as well.

There are still comforts we can give and take, he silently thought, for his own sake and John's. If one must grieve, then it is far better to grieve together than alone. This was the lesson Radek would have to teach John in the days and weeks to come, and if he reminded himself in the process, that was no bad thing either.

~*****~


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carson and John sort out a few things.

Carson found it easy to be compliant. He took the pills Biro gave him, ate when Ronon brought him food, went to bed when Teyla said he ought to, talked regularly with Dr Heightmeyer and followed her instructions to the letter. He'd have jumped into the sea if anyone had told him to, but no one did, and he tried very hard not to wish that they would. It was when people asked him to make the smallest decision for himself that Carson fell apart, because he couldn't ever think of anything except, Rodney's gone and nothing else matters. They mostly seemed to understand that, though, and gently directed him through his days. Three of them, or was it four, had passed now.

Everyone, himself included, had agreed that he wasn't in any way fit to practice medicine, but he had to fill his hours somehow, so he dedicated the time he wasn't sleeping in a drugged stupor, or helplessly weeping on Teyla's shoulder, to doing his research. He tried not to think about how much he would have loved to have had all this time for research only a few weeks ago, but now it just seemed another meaningless chore. He couldn't focus properly on anything, and while Dr Heightmeyer had advised him that there was value even in simply going through the motions, Carson couldn't help feeling like he was just wasting time.

He'd wanted, upon waking this morning, to make a concerted effort to get something real and meaningful accomplished today, in part to banish that useless feeling, and in part because he knew that making progress in his research always served as a terrific mood lifter. He thought (and Dr Heightmeyer agreed) that this would be the case even in the present circumstances, but so far today his inability to focus properly was was making it exceedingly difficult to get anything done. The result was that he was now battling with feelings of frustration and impatience on top of his dragging depression, and when he heard the soft shuffle of a footstep in his lab, followed by a polite cough, Carson felt more relief than anything else at the intrusion.

It was Radek Zelenka who stood quietly just inside the doorway, waiting patiently with his hands clasped behind his back. He smiled gently as Carson turned to see him, the expression tinged with sorrow. "I hope I have not interrupted," he said.

"Not today," Carson said with a sigh. "In fact, it's probably just as well that you came along, as I'm afraid I was getting ready to throw something that oughtn't be thrown."

"I know the feeling," Radek said with a sad smile. "I have a mountain of both research and administrative tasks piling up on my desk and my attempts to address any of them have been depressingly unproductive."

Of course. Carson knew, sadly, why Sheppard had been avoiding him, but he had wondered why he hadn't seen Radek the last few days. He'd forgotten, naturally, that the man had inherited Rodney's job as head of sciences. He could see the evidence of that burden, now that he knew to look for it, in the slump of Radek's shoulders, and the deepened creases around his eyes, and felt like an idiot for forgetting.

Shaking his head, Carson found himself pulling Radek into an embrace, murmuring, "God I'm so sorry Radek, so sorry..." Radek hugged him back with an almost surprisingly fierce strength, managing to say a number of things about affection and sorrow and loyalty by gesture alone. Of course there were tears. Carson had found himself prone to weeping at the drop of a hat over the last few days, but he had not expected to see Radek's glasses fogged over when they finally drew back from the embrace, nor the open wetness on his face as he removed them to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I am sorry as well, my friend," Radek said as he produced a crumpled scrap of cloth from his pocket to dry his spectacles. "And I came here to see how you were doing, and to ask if there was anything I could do for you, not to burden you with my own troubles."

Carson extracted a handkerchief from his own pocket to dry his eyes, shrugging at Radek's apology. "All I've done the last few days is talk and think about my own troubles and needs, and I'm bloody sick of it," he said. "To be honest, it'd be a pleasure to hear somebody else's troubles for a change. Besides, I'm sure you've heard the expression, 'misery loves company', aye?"

Radek replaced his glasses and blinked up at him, surprise and some relief coloring his expression. "I confess," he said, "I have not really been able to express my frustrations with anyone, as it is inappropriate for me to discuss such things with my colleagues -who are now my 'underlings' as Rodney would have put it. And I dare not speak of my unhappiness with John, as it merely adds to his guilt," Radek added with a sigh.

"Then please," Carson said expansively, "feel free to express away. Ye have my full attention. Though perhaps a change of scenery might do us both good as well?"

Radek agreed and so they left the lab, making their way by a circuitous route to the far end of the south pier. As they walked Radek shared his frustrations with the dysfunctional emotional responses of the science staffs, with the highly idiosyncratic organizational systems Rodney had left behind, and with Sheppard's continued efforts to avoid facing his feelings as well as his refusal to let go of the unnecessary burden of guilt he insisted on carrying.

They'd fallen into a companionable, if melancholy silence by the time they reached the pier and the two of them stood at the railing for a while, listening to the gentle, pulsing white noise of the waves against the city's bulkheads, and feeling the cool breeze on their faces. Carson's thoughts lingered on Sheppard, and the image of his face, tormented and self-loathing as he'd fled the infirmary the last time he'd seen the man. He understood, on the one hand, how difficult -if not impossible- it would be to dissuade him of his culpability in Rodney's death, but it was frustrating, on the other, that he hadn't even had the chance to try.

"I can make him go see you, if you want," Radek spoke up suddenly, as though reading Carson's thoughts. "I can tell him he's being a bastard for avoiding you, and he'll go. Though I don't know what good it will do."

"Aye, I don't either," Carson said, shaking his head, "but I would like to see him. I can't help wanting to try..."

"I know the feeling," Radek replied, "though I have had to stop. Every time I bring the topic up he shuts me out, and I am afraid that if I continue to bring it up he will begin avoiding me as well... and I don't think I could bear that." Radek sighed heavily and Carson's heart ached for the man. "It is possible that he will hear you, though..." Radek looked up at Carson, a glimmer of hope showing in his eyes. "If he will hear anyone."

"Well, I'll do my best," Carson said, hazarding a shadow of a smile for his friend. Meeting his gaze, Radek answered with a similar effort, letting Carson see the warmth and genuine affection in his eyes, visible beyond the lines of fatigue and sorrow. It was almost not a surprise to see Radek lift his hand, to feel his gentle fingers brush at his cheek... and then he heard the chime of Radek's radio, and the warmth was shut away, the hand lowered to touch the earpiece.

Carson watched Radek's frown deepen as he listened, and then answered with a clipped swear in his native language. He lowered his hand from his ear a moment later, then turned towards the door with a heavy sigh. "It seems there is no rest for the weary," he said. "The physicists and the engineers are squabbling again. Perhaps this is the day I should threaten to quit."

"You wouldn't...?" Carson replied with alarm.

"Ne, ne, I could never do that," Radek offered him a faint but reassuring smile. "But I need to do something to put some fear in them, to remind them that they do still have something left to loose, yes? I will throw dreadful temper tantrum and go and pretend to pack my lab and then department heads will all come to me and be very sorry and promise to be good and to stop behaving like little children... At least, that is what I hope."

Carson could not help giving a little chuckle. "You'll let me know how it went, then?" he said as he followed Radek back inside.

"Of course." Radek flashed him a properly devilish smile and Carson thought, there is the old Radek, not broken under grief and worry at all. It gave him hope, that life could indeed go on, for all of them, even him, and Carson headed back to his own lab thinking he might manage to get something accomplished there today after all.

 

~*****~

 

When Sheppard buttonholed Carson after dinner the next evening, John suspected that the 'because mom told me to' contrition had to be written all over his face, because Carson seemed to be trying to stifle a laugh. There was understanding in his expression as well, of their shared grief, and gratitude that John had finally sought him out.

"So, Radek tells me I'm being a bastard for avoiding you," Sheppard said as they walked together out of the mess.

"Did he now?" inquired Carson, who sounded fairly sure that Radek had said no such thing.

"Well, ok," John admitted, "not in so many words. But it was implied."

"I don't truly think you were being a bastard, John," Carson objected, "and I doubt Radek does either. It's just... we're all hurting, and we can all see that you're blaming yourself -though there's no need- and when you go off and hide from the rest of us... well it only adds to the unhappiness, John, though I know you don't mean to."

They'd come to a small sort of lounge -a quiet empty room, off the beaten track, that no one seemed to be using at the moment. John sat heavily on one of the low, padded chairs and lowered his head into his hands.

"I _don't_ mean to," he said, almost despairing. "I really don't... but I've got my gut telling me one thing and all of you telling me something completely different. I can't reconcile the two at all and it's really fucking with my head, Carson."

"What's your gut telling you then, lad?" Carson asked softly, sitting across from John and laying a careful hand on his knee.

"That I've... lost a man... the most important man on the mission, who it was my job to protect," John ground out. "And anyone who was his friend, who cared about him... you more than anyone else, Carson... ought to hate my guts right now. I... I know that's not how you see it, not how Radek sees it, but I can't seem to wrap my head around it -can't make myself really believe it. I've been trying; I really have, and lord knows Radek's been trying to hammer it into my thick skull for the last few days, but I just can't... can't seem to change the way I feel..."

"D'you suppose that's because you've been so long in the military?" Carson asked with startling insight.

"Of course it is!" John snapped, standing abruptly to pace in the small room. "They beat that 'chain of command' stuff into you from day one. If it happens on your watch then it's your problem, whether you could have done anything about it or not."

"Doesn't seem very fair," Carson reflected sadly.

"Fair?!" John barked. "Jesus Carson, wasn't there ever _anyone_ in your family who was ever in the military?"

"Not really, no," said Carson. "We were all a bit pacifist, ye see."

"Naturally," John huffed, collapsing into another chair, on the other side of the room from Carson. Looking up to meet the man's eyes, he saw that he hadn't missed the distancing tactic, seeing it for what it was, and though he tried to hide the small hurt it engendered, he didn't quite. Confronted with the evidence of the true effect of his actions, John felt wretchedly torn, but got up to move back to the chair where he'd been sitting earlier.

Carson didn't miss the significance of that move either, and John saw the appreciation for what it had cost him in the other's face. "'Fairness' isn't exactly a priority in any aspect of military culture, Carson," he explained wryly. "And I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it's right, or even justified, but it is what it is... and it's kinda hard-wired in me now."

"It's clear that it's something that's deeply ingrained in you, John," Carson acknowledged, but I'm willing to bet you're smart enough to see past it."

John shook his head, feeling it ache with the number of times he'd beaten it against this wall, to no avail. "Radek keeps trying to convince me that there's nothing I could have done," he said. "But I can't let myself think that. There's always something. There has to be something. I have to believe that or I run the risk of giving up on someone before I should, any time I go into the field."

"Aye, and I won't dispute that," Carson surprised him by agreeing, "but you're missing the point. It's not about what you did or didn't do, John, it's about what Rodney did."

"What Rodney did?" John replied, confused. "He saved our asses. He was always saving our asses and I was supposed to save his in return..."

Carson was shaking his head. "That's it exactly," he said, confusing John further. "What's Rodney always asked us to say about him, whenever he thought he was going to die?"

John blinked, frowning to try and fathom what Carson was getting at, though it only took a second to come up with the answer to his question. "That he was saving kids," John said, beginning to get an idea of where this was headed. "He always told us to say he died saving kids."

"Aye, that he did," Carson replied, his eyes gone bright with un-shed tears again. "For all that he spoke about wanting to win that Nobel, what Rodney really wanted people to remember about him was that he helped people... And the daft bugger always thinking we'd have to lie about it, when he saved all our lives every week practically."

"At least," John said quietly, not quite trusting his own voice now.

"And the last thing he did, our Rodney, was save your life one more time," Carson said, sniffling just a little and trying to hide it. "It was his final gift to you, John... and it's like you're throwing it back when all you can think about is how your couldn't save his."

The momentary silence that followed was so deep that John could hear himself swallowing loudly, because it was fucking true, and it was like a kick in the guts to realize it. "Jesus, Carson..." he whispered, and he didn't pull away when he felt Carson's arms draw him in, letting his own arms enclose Carson in response, almost without thinking. Carson was crying again and he felt himself trembling... and okay, maybe he was crying a little too, but it was okay, somehow.

"God, I'm sorry," John said at last, when the moment had passed and they sat back drying their respective eyes. "I've been so fucking selfish..."

"Grief will make anyone selfish, love," Carson said, offering forgiveness so easily. "It's our friends who'll save us from it, if we'll only let them."

"Yeah," John reached up to scratch at the back of his neck, feeling a little ashamed and chagrined. "Guess I'm a pretty lucky guy then."

"Luck's got nothing to do with it, lad," Carson replied quickly. "A person makes the friends they deserve, and if ye've got good friends then it's generally because ye're a good man. That's the best evidence there is."

John knew he couldn't refute this logic, in spite of the fact that he didn't really feel like he'd been a very good man over the last few days. Rather than debate the point with Carson, he concluded, he might do better to work on making amends, and prove the man right instead. He owed Radek a big fat apology, to begin with, but then there was also the matter of the grieving friend sitting across from him, who had done so much to help him in the past, and even just now, even as he was suffering the loss of his lover. Surely there must be something he could do for the man besides cry on his shoulder.

"So, um, what do you say," he began a little awkwardly, "you, ah, help me out by letting me be a little unselfish here and let me know what I can do for you now. I mean, this thing's gotta go two ways, right?"

Carson gave him a weak smile, shrugging a little helplessly. "I wish I knew John, truly," he answered. "If I knew any way for you to help me make better progress in my research, or help me sleep better at nights, I'd let you know for sure."

"You're not sleeping?" John asked, puzzled. "I mean, you've, um, got meds for that, right?" Carson nodded. "So," John continued, "how come they're not working?"

"Well, they are I suppose, after a fashion," Carson said. "It's just... I still manage to wake up after a few hours most nights, probably because the bed feels so empty, and at first it's just like it's always been, when he works late, and I think that he'll be along any minute... and then I remember that he won't..."

"Aw dammit," John murmured, pulling Carson close again as he succumbed to a fresh bout of tears. "Maybe," he offered when Carson sat up again, sniffling. "Maybe you ought to try sleeping somewhere else -somewhere that won't, you know, bring back those memories? Like your sofa or something, just for now?"

Carson gave a sad half chuckle. "Aye, I've thought of that, but that's where Teyla and Ronon have been staying... actually, I think Teyla's been on the sofa and Ronon's been sleeping on the floor. I tried telling them they could sleep on my bed and I'd take the couch, but they wouldn't hear of it, bless 'em. I do appreciate that they're not leaving me to be alone; that'd be hard yet, but..."

"What..." John heard the words coming out of his mouth before he even knew what he was going to say. "What about sleeping on our sofa instead?"

Carson blinked, giving the notion some serious thought. "Ye know, that might not be a bad idea," he said. "Kate's even suggested that it could be beneficial for me to take a break from things... that remind me of him, just for a bit." His gaze was worried as he glanced up at John, however. "Are you sure I wouldn't be... intruding? I know ye haven't so much room."

John shrugged. It was true that Rodney and Carson, because they were both civilians and neither were American, had been more or less out about their relationship, and had therefore felt free to move into larger, shared quarters. He and Radek didn't have that freedom, which was why Radek had kept the tiny dorm-like quarters they frequently shared. If Carson took him up on his offer, the man would essentially be sleeping at the foot of their bed... and he hadn't even asked Radek yet. Still, John had a pretty good idea that Radek wouldn't object.

"Not so much," he answered. "And besides, I think it's time we gave Teyla and Ronon a break." He tried for an encouraging smile and found that it was easier that he'd thought. "Of course," he added, "you'll have to put up with Zelenka's snoring."

That elicited a proper smile in return which John was surprised to feel lifting a weight off of his own heart. "I'll suppose I'll have to learn to sleep through it," Carson said. "Though I don't think it can be so bad if you've managed it." His expression grew a touch more serious then. "I do appreciate this a great deal, John. I think it may help quite a lot."

"That's good then," John said standing and laying an affirming hand on Carson's shoulder. "Glad I could help. Really." And he was. Knowing that he'd found some way to help his friend really had lifted a fair portion of the black cloud of despair John had been feeling. He still felt the pain of Rodney's loss, and likely would for some time to come, but the isolating sense of helpless guilt, that had all but vanished.

Carson stood as well, meeting John's eyes with open sincerity. "I can't tell you how glad I am to see you free of all that guilt, lad. It's nothing but poison to a man's soul, that."

"I don't disagree, Carson," John said seriously. "So thank you for that, too."

"It's what friends do, luv," Carson answered, his blue eyes still locked with John's, hiding nothing. "And I'm glad to do it." John saw the embrace coming in that gaze, and let himself be pulled into it, surprisingly easily. It felt right. It felt natural, and really, really good. He let it last longer than he thought it might, too, and when they finally parted, it felt like he'd made a kind of connection, that remained somehow. One part of him was trying to tell him that it was dangerous, but the part of him calling the shots right now only knew that it was good and right and comforting, and that they both needed it.

Carson's hand lingered on his as they parted, and John could tell that he wasn't the only one to feel this new connection. The suggestion that there was maybe something more than friendship between them felt both unsettling and tantalizing and John finally had to draw a breath and pull away.

"See you, um... at dinner, then?" he managed eventually.

"Aye, that sounds like a plan," said Carson, his smile both encouraged and encouraging.

"Right... so..." John raised a hand in farewell, feeling painfully awkward. "See you then... then."

John thought he heard Carson chuckle as he turned to go, and decided that making the man laugh was probably a good thing, even if it was at his expense.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A well meant coping strategy has unexpected results

Radek could see the difference in John when he turned up at his lab later that evening, and felt his heart ease considerably at the sight. He was endearingly sheepish as he made his apologies, and even more so when he confessed that he'd invited Carson to spend the night on their sofa without consulting Radek, but Radek thought the idea was a brilliant one, and let John know directly.

"I am glad you asked him," Radek said checking the lab to make sure everything was shut down properly before they made their way to dinner. "I think it may be just the thing he needs right now."

"I hope so," John remarked thoughtfully as they headed down the hall towards the mess. "I don't think he's slept the night through since... well, you know."

"I think it will also help him knowing that you are no longer blaming yourself, John," Radek remarked. "He takes so much upon himself, and knowing that you were suffering needlessly -it troubled him a great deal."

"Yeah, and he wasn't the only one, was he?" John said with an unhappy face and then paused, taking Radek by the arm with little warning to pull him onto a nearby deserted balcony. John's sudden embrace was unexpected, but very welcome and Radek answered it with affection and forgiveness.

"We knew you would come to your senses eventually," Radek said with a smile.

John answered him with a kiss that was not at all chaste and Radek marveled, not for the first time, at how astoundingly raunchy John's kisses could be, when he wished. Suddenly all Radek wanted to do was bend the man over the railing of the balcony and fuck his brains out, but he was pretty sure that wouldn't be the best idea. Besides, he knew for a fact that they were both hungry, and it seemed unkind to turn up in the mess to meet Carson for dinner smelling like sex. John appeared to be coming to the same conclusion as he drew back from the kiss with a resigned sigh.

"Ordinarily," he said, "I'd be thinking of how I was going to make it up to you tonight, but with Carson there..."

Radek shrugged. "I can wait," he said. "Perhaps we can take extended lunch tomorrow?"

"Sounds like a plan," John said, nuzzling at Radek's hair one last time before standing back to straighten his jacket and adjust himself a bit.

Radek rolled his eyes at the predicament John had gotten them both into, then preceded him back into the corridor with his mind fixed firmly on food, and nothing else.

Teyla, Ronon and Elizabeth came and joined the three of them for dinner, which passed pleasantly enough, and afterward, when they let Teyla know where Carson would be spending the night, she approved whole-heartedly. They walked together to Carson and Rodney's quarters where Carson picked up a few things, and then on to Radek's (and Sheppard's) where they settled onto the couch together to watch an episode of the second series of Jeremy Brett's Sherlock Holmes adventures.

Afterward they tucked Carson in on the sofa with his gran's hand sewn quilt and then Radek and John settled in on their bed, sharing only a few quiet, chaste kisses before cuddling close together -perhaps a little closer than usual, Radek reflected- and drifting off to sleep.

 

~*****~

 

Carson knew he wasn't in his own bed the moment he awoke, but it took him a minute or two to recall why, and when he did, every recollection came with a surge of fresh dismay.

Rodney was gone. His own bed was too lonely and empty. And even though this sofa, and Radek and John's hospitality, had been warm and welcoming and even comfortable, it still wasn't enough. He was still awake at some ungodly hour -it was likely two or three in the morning if his internal clock was to be believed- and returning to sleep any time soon was out of the question.

As wretched as the fact of Rodney's loss still was for him, tonight it was the last realization -that he was going to spend yet _another_ long night staring sleeplessly into the comfortless dark, when he had _really_ hoped that he might get a a full night's sleep- that hit the hardest.

There was no holding the tears at bay, there never was when he woke like this in the middle of the night, but before he had easily been able to keep from disturbing Teyla and Ronon in the next room. Now, however, with John and Radek's feet mere centimeters away, Carson realized that it might not be so easy to hide his wakefulness, nor his distress. He did try, burying his face into his gran's old comforter as he sobbed, but life on Atlantis had made them all far too alert, and sensitive to disturbances in the night. He had only been awake for a few minutes when he heard a stirring in the bed behind him.

"Carson?" It was Radek's voice, soft and sleep roughened.

"M'all right," he tried, between sobs. "It's nothing, really. Go back to sleep."

"I think maybe it is not all right?" Radek contradicted kindly, and then Carson could hear him crawling across the bed to reach over the back of the sofa, gentle fingers coming to rest on his shaking shoulder.

"Please," Carson tried again. "Ye needn't..."

"Oh, miláčku..." Radek said sadly, fingers stroking through Carson's hair as he wept. "This is no good. You should come up here with us, yes? I think it would be better."

"No... I couldn't, I couldn't..." Carson shook his head into his pillow. He didn't know why he couldn't, only that it would be too much.

"Please, múj dráhy..." Radek was tugging him up, gently but intractably, and Carson was powerless to stop him. "Let us hold you," he begged. "It is what you need, I think, yes?"

Carson shook his head again, and yet he was coming, following Radek up over the back of the sofa, because dear god yes, he really, really needed someone to hold him, even if it meant coming into someone else's bed, where surely he didn't belong...

"No wait," he whispered rather too loudly, as he was balanced precariously on the back of the sofa. "We'll wake John..." and then Radek tugged him once again and he tumbled clumsily into Radek's arms, shaking the whole bed as he landed.

"Done deal, guys," came John's voice out of the dark, much to Carson's dismay. "Don't sweat it. Just get on up here and settle down, 'k?"

"Sorry, said Carson, following Radek up the bed.

"Said don't sweat it," mumbled John, pulling the covers back to welcome them both.

Radek drew him in to lie between them, and Carson complied, reluctant, yet painfully grateful. John instantly spooned up behind him, sleepily casual, and Radek curled up against his chest, tucking the top of his head just under Carson's chin. It was astonishing, Carson could not help reflecting as he laid his arm over Radek's shoulders and felt John's come to settle over his waist, how well, and how easily they fit together. He had expected rather more awkward jostling and careful non-touching of erogenous zones, but no one seemed to be paying the least bit of attention to that. John, in fact, seemed to have fallen asleep again, already, and Radek looked to be close behind him.

Carson really hadn't expected any return to sleep for himself, but even so, lying here between the warm, comforting presence of two dear friends was infinitely better than crying into his pillow all alone. It was possible that it was more than gratitude that swelled in his heart when he thought of the care they had shown him today, but he dared not give that any serious consideration. Instead, he could focus on the pleasant warmth that surrounded him, the calm and steady breathing of his two sleeping companions, and little by little, Carson was amazed to realize, he was beginning to doze off.

Carson welcomed sleep like a long lost lover, and his last thoughts, as he fell into her merciful embrace, were of gratitude, affection, and the safety of lying, enclosed in his friends' arms.

***

Carson woke gradually, suffused with a sense of peace that he had not known since he last woke with Rodney at his side. The usual daily realization that he would never again know that pleasure came with the customary pang, but the plummeting sense of despair that generally followed it did not come. It was as if the warm presences on either side of him were holding him back from that abyss, and Carson clung to that awareness for long minutes as his body and mind slowly returned to full consciousness.

Among other things, this meant focusing on a growing awareness of the two physical bodies that surrounded him -unfamiliar, because they weren't Rodney, and yet still seeming somehow familiar anyway. He knew them easily, even with his eyes closed. John was still laying at his back, arm still flung over his torso and sometime during the night he had drawn his leg up to lay overtop of Carson's as well. There seemed, in the posture, some desire to enclose and protect, and Carson began to wonder if perhaps that instinct in the Colonel ran deeper than even his military training.

Radek's attitude, by contrast, seemed one of almost childlike trust, with his cheek pressed against Carson's chest, his hands splayed for maximum contact, one over his hips, the other against his belly, and his knees drawn up to rest against Carson's thighs. Radek seemed to offer his trust like a gift, reminding Carson of how deeply Rodney had trusted him, and how much he missed being needed like that.

Neither man was wearing any more than a pair of boxers, and Carson himself was wearing only boxers and a tshirt (although one of Radek's hands -the one on his belly- had crept up under the shirt). The abundance of skin-on-skin contact was causing other awakenings in Carson now -ones which he was sure were not part of what his friends had intended, morning hardons notwithstanding. It was increasingly difficult to school his thoughts away from this, however, especially with the length of Sheppard's body pressed against his back, his own morning hard sex currently residing much too pleasantly between Carson's arsecheeks. Two different layers of boxer shorts did nothing to disguise that fact.

And here was Radek sleepily nuzzling his face against Carson's chest, lips serendipitously brushing against where a nipple lay under his tshirt. That really wasn't fair, it wasn't, and Carson began to consider the necessity of extracting himself before things went too far. At his very first stirrings, in preparation for this, however, John only wrapped his arm even more tightly around him, pulling Carson's body in closer to his and pressing his groin even more firmly into Carson's arse.

Forcing himself to lie very still was no easy thing, and it became well nigh impossible when Radek shifted again, brushing one of his knees gently against Carson's now more than morning-hard cock. He couldn't have prevented the soft moan that escaped him then if his life had depended on it. John gave a sleepy, contented hum in response, and unconsciously (Carson was sure) pressed his cock even more firmly into Carson's arse. It was more than he could bear, and a second later Carson found himself thrusting his own hips back, ever so slightly.

"Mmm..." John's hum was a bit more than contented now, and rather less sleepy. His hand now moved with a bit of wakeful intent as well, stroking warmly down Carson's side.

"Oh god..." Carson stammered in a choked voice. "I'm sorry," he whispered, trying to put a stop to what he could only imagine must end in disaster. "I didn't mean..."

"S'okay," John murmured, his lips moving at the nape of Carson's neck. "T's good..."

"Ohhh..." Carson wanted to object, really he did, but John's lips were caressing the contours of his jaw now, and his tongue -oh dear lord his _tongue_ \- was tracing the edge of one ear. "Please..." he moaned, though he had no idea what he was pleading for.

"Shh, miláčku..." Radek's hands were moving on him as well now, the one on his belly moving in slow circles against his bare skin, the one on his hip drifting tantalizingly towards his arse. "Let us give you what you need, Carson..."

There was no hope of resiting at that point, especially not when Radek slipped his hand under the waistband of Carson's shorts, and when John's hand reached around to finger Carson's nipples through his shirt. Carson gasped at the sensations, letting his body and his desire call the shots at last. Certainly a number of questions remained, most particularly about John and Radek's motivations, but his newly reawakened desires overrode all of that. He trusted them both, Carson reminded himself, and so would let them take him where he needed to go right now.

When Radek raised his head Carson lowered his own to meet Radek's lips in the tenderest of kisses. The man's mouth was quick and agile, his tongue caressing and Carson tried to reply in kind, a little sleepily at first, but with growing enthusiasm. Wakefulness came quickly as Radek and John joined their efforts in pushing his shirt up so that they could both play with his nipples without any clothing in the way, and he gasped at the first gentle pinches.

Carson let the sensations wash over him, lifting his hands to comb fingers through the silk-like strands of Radek's endearingly disordered hair, moaning into his mouth as John pressed his cock against Carson's arse again, this time with some intent. He had to break off the kiss gasp loudly when Radek's hand moved from his arse to his belly, still beneath the waistband of his shorts, and brushed his thumb over the head of Carson's cock. His body knew what it wanted, thrusting against Radek's hand, writhing in response to the fingers squeezing and caressing his nipples.

"What do you need, Carson?" That was John's voice, whispering in his ear, lips still brushing against it as he spoke. "Let us know what you need."

"I... I need..." Carson tried to let himself speak without thinking, because if he thought about it he'd never be able to ask for what he wanted. "I... please... fuck me... please, someone... I need..."

"Shh..." John calmed him, hand stroking along his side now. "We've got you; we'll take care of you; just let us make you feel good right now."

Carson moaned softly in affirmation, shifting to make it easier for two sets of hands to lift his shirt away, push his shorts down over his hips. He found he did not have to insist on reciprocity either, for when he felt Radek and John settle against him again, there was no clothing between them, anywhere. His own cock was hard and desperate to be touched, and now he could feel the others', just as hard as his.

"Yes", he groaned as John pulled him over onto his back and stretched over him to take him in a hungry, proprietary kiss and Radek reached down to wrap his fingers around Carson's needy sex, stroking him slowly. Carson arched up into Radek's hand to find John's hand there too, warmly cupping his balls, and then Johns mouth was leaving his to kiss its way down his throat and collar bone to finally discover his nipples. Somewhere in the clothes removal process the covers had been thrown back, and the room was now pleasantly warm, and Carson found himself drawing his knees up, parting them, asking with his body for the thing he needed most.

John understood immediately, it seemed, for his hand continued to roam, massaging the skin below his balls, gradually making its way toward his opening. The sensations of John's warm fingers moving there had Carson moaning and writhing helplessly and then even those sensations were completely overwhelmed as Radek lowered his mouth over Carson's cock.

Carson cried out and thrust up helplessly into the warm, wet, haven of Radek's mouth. He sucked and licked Carson's cock as though he found the activity just as pleasurable as Carson did, and after a moment he realized that John had lifted his head to watch.

"Oh yeah," he murmured appreciatively, reaching back to grab something off the nightstand. "That is incredibly hot..."

It was the sound and warmth of John's words that Carson felt, washing over him, rather than the meaning, for that part of his mind had shut off, leaving him free to just experience and feel. The heated pleasure emanating from his cock slowly suffused through his whole being, soothing the aching, broken things inside him, and the closeness of the two trusted beings beside him kept him safe, protected from further hurts.

They grieved with him too, even as they pleasured him, and somehow that brought some measure of healing as well. When he felt John's finger, slick and insistent, push its way into him, he felt John's lips too, pressing against his heart, kissing him there, sharing sorrow and pleasure both. Carson replied without thinking, lifting his head to kiss the top of John's, and reaching a hand down to easily find John's warm, hard cock, curling fingers around it to stroke.

John moaned, and the vibrations of the sound resonated against Carson's chest where John was resting his head now. He pushed another finger inside of him too, thrusting slowly and then curling his fingers up to find that special spot, that made Carson cry out loudly, arch his back and thrust his cock deeper into Radek's mouth and throat. Carson reached a trembling hand down to touch Radek's face by way of apology, but Radek only chuckled around his cock, sucking him even deeper and swallowing around the head. Carson cried aloud again, lost in the pleasure -helpless against it.

There was some wanting in him too. The fingers -three of them now? moving within him were only a prelude to something... something more, and he wanted that, powerfully. He wasn't the only one either, he seemed to sense, and there was a slight air of urgency to the shifting of the bodies surrounding him a moment later. The fingers withdrew, and that fired the wanting up to a hungry pang, which escaped his throat as a plaintive moan. Soft voices and comforting touches answered him, and he was himself shifted, rolled to his side where Radek met his lips in another tender, affectionate kiss.

Further down, Carson could feel Radek's hips thrusting against his, and Radek's rigid and heated sex coming to press against his own. That was good, and feeling Radek's cleaver fingers, slick as John's had been, wrapping around both their cocks a moment later, even better. There was only one other thing Carson could want, and then there it was -John's hands lifting his knee up to give him better access, and then his hard flesh pressing, demanding entrance, and entering. He pushed and kept pushing, piercing him, opening him, filling him, freeing him... loving him...

But that couldn't be, could it? He was not part of what John and Radek had; he was a guest, and this... this was a favor, albeit a very nice one. Yet here were John's arms around him, enclosing him with affection, and not just the passion of the moment, and here was Radek, whispering endearments Carson did not understand, but whose import he recognized well enough. It was the strength of these affections that fired the pleasure in Carson, so that every thrust of John's cock into his body touched him deep, deep inside, and every stroke of Radek's warm, clever fingers over their joined cocks coaxed a gasping cry from him that emanated from those same depths. It was a cry of grief and healing and ecstasy all bundled together and each one brought him closer to completion.

"Ano, ano, dráhy Carson," Radek's own voice was breathy, and suffused with feeling that reached right into Carson's battered heart. "Come for us now, miláčku, come for us... Let us feel you..."

There was no force in the world that could have prevented Carson from complying.

The climax that tore through him was almost painful in its intensity. It was a back arching, toe curling, voice breaking climax that seized him, shook him like a terrier with a rat and left him spent, cleansed and boneless, and his ears ringing, as he felt and heard his lovers follow him. Behind him, John thrust hard and deep, one last time and then stiffened, choking out a guttural cry as Carson felt the warmth of his completion within him, and a half second later Radek gasped hugely against his chest, sobbing a little as he came and his seed and Carson's mixed together in his hand. No one moved or spoke for a long time after that.

It was no surprise, Carson reflected sadly, to find that there were tears on his face after a spell, for it seemed these days that he could feel nothing strongly without weeping about it, but it was many feelings, and not just grief that engendered his tears now, and, remarkably, the others seemed to understand that. Radek only reached up to draw Carson's face down to his shoulder, to take comfort there, and John leaned forward to kiss the nape of his neck, fingers moving gently through his hair.

"Why?" Carson asked softly when he had some part of his voice under control, for he really didn't understand that, and it was tearing at him.

"You do not think this was just for... sympathy, or pity, do you?" Radek asked, the very tone of his question making the answer plain.

"No... no," Carson shook his head. "I know it wasn't that... but I don't understand then... You... the two of you... I'm not..."

"But you are," John, the man who couldn't talk about feelings, had a keen ear for others with the same failing, and heard the words that weren't spoken, even as he struggled with those very words himself.

"You are," Radek confirmed, "...a part of us too, that is one reason why, and another is because... because," and Carson noted that Radek's voice had gone a little rough suddenly.

"Because we should have done this long ago," he murmured sadly. "Before... before we were only three."

Carson drew his head back to see the brightness in Radek's eyes spill over and trickle down his cheeks and the epiphany was startling in its intensity. "Oh love," he cried softly, gathering Radek close. "I didn't know... I didn't know and god help me I should have, I should have..."

"We all should have." John's voice was a bit rough as well, and he reached a hand over Carson to take Radek's, squeezing it tightly.

"But what..." Carson ventured finally, after another long moment. "What do we do now?"

"Now?" John answered. "Now I call Dr Weir and tell her that the three of us are taking a personal day, and then we sleep some more. How's that for a plan?"

"Aye, that's a plan I can get behind," Carson said with a ghost of a smile. "But what I meant... what I was asking about... is what are we to do about... us? Is this how we are now? Does it change as easily as that?"

"I think that these are things that are best discussed later, yes?" Radek suggested. "When we are not so raw... and when we are more awake."

"One day at a time, Carson," John reassured him. "For now, that's all we need to focus on, okay?"

"Aye, that's probably wise," Carson murmured, feeling a burden lifted, and sleep beckoning again. He did think about what Radek had said, and how he felt about that, but there was nothing troubling about these thoughts at all. In fact, they were so pleasant, they lulled him right to sleep again.

~*****~

The three of them slept another four hours, and then they rose together, feeling leisurely and well slept for the first time in days, and treated themselves to a sumptuous brunch. When they had finished, and sat around the table feeling comfortably stuffed and sipping at their second cups of coffee, Carson felt obliged to raise the question again.

"I'm just wanting to be clear," he said. "As we none of us thought much about what we were doing this morning -not that anything we did was wrong- but it was rather an impulse of the moment, aye?"

"It was, yes," said Radek. "But I would suggest that it was, as it happened, a fairly wise one, and one that we should continue with for as long as it seems the right thing."

"No disagreements here," Sheppard remarked easily.

Carson fiddled with his coffee spoon for a moment before responding. "Aye, that's fine, and I'm glad you're both happy for us to carry on in this manner, but... and I don't mean to sound fussy, but 'as long as it seems the right thing' seems an awfully vague condition for a relationship."

Radek shrugged. "Feelings are very uncertain for all of us now, yes?" he suggested. "To make decisions any more specific than that... is inviting some trouble, it seems to me."

"So if I eventually decide that I'd like to be alone for a while... or that there might be someone new in my life and I'd like to be with them instead... there wouldn't be any... hard feelings?" Carson inquired. "Not that any of those things is likely at the moment... it's just, I've no idea how I'm going to feel in the future... and I know I'm in no shape to be making any commitments right now."

"Of course not," Sheppard said. "Do you think either of us is? This is just what it is, for now. That's all."

"We can trust that you will be honest with us, if your feelings change, yes?" Radek added.

"Aye, of course," Carson replied.

"Then that is all that is needed for now," Radek concluded. "While our feelings are so clouded, we must let those move as they will, but it is our trust in each other that we must rely on in this time. This trust is strong though, I think, yes? And for that reason we may proceed without worrying about the rest."

"Aye," said Carson thoughtfully. "Aye I suppose that's so."

"Great!" said Sheppard, standing and stretching. "Glad that's settled. Now I'm gonna go for a run and a shower and after that I'm gonna be ready for a "Lord of the Rings" marathon. Anybody else up for that?"

And though Carson had given not one thought to what he'd do with the rest of his day, suddenly that sounded just about perfect.

~*****~


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The memorial service... and the wake.

When two weeks had passed it was determined that there really did need to be a memorial service sooner, rather than waiting another four weeks for Rodney's body to be recovered. Carson agreed to this but was prone to fall apart when asked to discuss any of the particulars, and Sheppard refused to have anything to do with it, so the actual planning was mostly carried out by Radek and Elizabeth, with some input from Teyla as well.

There were few on Atlantis whose lives Rodney McKay had not touched in some manner, and so Elizabeth gave everyone the day off for the service, and called in all the gate teams. The gateroom, where the service was held, was absolutely packed with people -scientists and military- and Carson could not help reflecting how pleased Rodney would have been to see how many people had turned out to pay their respects.

There was, naturally, no religious content to the proceedings, which mainly consisted of various people standing before the gathered crowd to speak about Rodney and what he had meant to them. Elizabeth began this, and naturally said exactly the right thing, in the most moving and dignified way possible. Radek followed her, and tried to say too much, actually breaking down on the podium before he had quite finished. Teyla lead him away, her arm laid protectively over his shoulder.

Inspired by Radek's courage, Carson nerved himself up to stand and speak a few words, and he did indeed cry a bit, but he found he felt no shame in letting his feelings show in public like this. This was no crowd of strangers here, but nearly family, and when he grieved, they grieved with him. Teyla sang a song, which Carson had to smile about because Rodney would have cringed, and been deeply touched all the same. Ronon said something brief and Satedan, and then others came, one at a time, and said things that would possibly have shocked Rodney McKay to his very core. Carson was not surprised, for he knew that Rodney had been loved, respected and admired throughout Atlantis, but it did touch him deeply to hear so many people say so.

The biggest surprise of the day was when, after nearly everyone had spoken, John Sheppard stood and actually spoke a very few words, so moving and grief stricken that there was hardly a dry eye in the room when he left, and leave he did, fleeing the gate room the second he had finished speaking. Carson and Radek exchanged a look of concern as he did, and Ronon and Teyla caught the look. They both slipped away a moment later, and Carson knew that John would be cared for, no matter how far he tried to run.

There was a reception afterward, and Carson was moved to tears (again) to see that the kitchen staff had laid out a feast of Rodney's favorites foods, including ham, chocolate/peanut butter Power Bars, and acres of blue jello. In addition, there was not a drop of citrus in anything. Carson and Radek nodded and smiled politely countless times as various people came and commented to them on this fact, and before long Carson found himself stretched pretty thin. In addition he was still worried about John, though he knew he was likely in good hands.

Elizabeth, perceptive creature that she was, soon took Carson aside and murmured to him that if he and Radek wished to take their leaves, she would make their excuses.

"I wish I could say that this is my first memorial service reception," she commented, "but it isn't, and I have not failed to notice how it is this part of the proceedings that is always much harder on the... bereaved than the ceremony itself. Go and find John and keep him out of trouble, and I'll see you both tomorrow, yes?"

Carson thanked her warmly, accepting an affectionate hug before he left, then he flagged Radek down -rescuing him from a teary eyed Miko Kusanagi- and the two of them made their escape.

Teyla found them before they had gotten very far.

"Ronon is with him," she said. "But we knew you would be along before very long. Follow me."

 

~*****~

 

The route she lead them on was long and circuitous, but that was because Radek had intentionally built his still conveniently close to nothing. Radek's 'distillery' room was small, dark, warm and smelled of yeast and slightly rotten fruit, but it was a smell Radek knew from his youth, and he found it immensely comforting. There was only one chair in the room, a tall work stool which, at the moment, no one was occupying. Sheppard was crouched on a low, heavy, wooden crate which had once contained several kilos of something close enough to plums that it made reasonably decent Slivovits. Ronon was perched up on his workbench, which Radek wasn't quite sure was sturdy enough to support the man's weight, but seemed to be holding up for now.

There was also only one glass in the room and Sheppard had it, with one swallow of clear liquor sloshing about in the bottom. Ronon was drinking out of a bottle which he handed out to Radek as soon as he entered the room.

"You got some catching up to do," he said as the door closed behind them.

"God yes!" Carson cried with profound relief as Radek took a long pull from the bottle and then handed it immediately over to Carson. "Bless you John, you've brought us all to the right place."

"Was Ronon's idea," John said, sounding morose and knocking back his last swallow, "but yeah, it was a good one."

"Here," Radek reached into a crate under the workbench to break out another bottle, pulling the cork out with his teeth and pouring a generous measure into John's glass, "we'll finish the other before long, anyway."

In the end, they went through five. Radek and Carson settled themselves on the floor next to where John sat, and they told the stories as they passed the bottles around. Funny Rodney stories, embarrassing Rodney stories, impressive Rodney stories, and of course, sad Rodney stories. They wept together, laughed together, and got outrageously drunk together, except for Teyla who, perched up on the work stool, seemed to have appointed herself the 'designated driver', as John put it, for the evening.

Carson eventually dropped out first, slumped comfortably against Radek's shoulder. John heckled him for being a lightweight, then tossed back what remained in his glass, chucked it heedlessly out the small open window over the work bench -nearly hitting Ronon- and leaned back to slouch against the wall, as though listening for the faint tinkle of the glass striking a parapet somewhere below. Radek heard it, eventually, but when he glanced up to see John's reaction, he saw that the man was snoring slightly.

"So..." said Ronon, lifting his bottle as if in salute, "Looks like it's just the two of us. Knew it would be."

Radek gave him a wry smile, meeting his eyes with steely, if slightly wavering, gaze. "Our two peoples stand proud at this moment, my friend," Radek replied, lifting his own bottle in return. "To the Czechs and the Satedans; long may they drink!"

Radek could not miss how Teyla rolled her eyes at this, because once you started Ronon toasting, there was no end to it, and Radek was hardly any better. They toasted Raegal Chir, the last First Councillor of Sateada and Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk, first president of the first Czechoslovak Republic. They toasted their lands, rivers and mountains; they toasted Atlantis and the Ancients; they toasted the Daedalus and the Apollo, and they toasted the fallen... those whom Rodney McKay had recently joined.

Ronon felt obliged to stand when toasting the Satedan war dead, but his knees bucked as he slid down off the counter. His clumsy struggles to regain his feet startled both Carson and John into wakefulness and Teyla slipped, far more gracefully, off her stool to call an end to the evening.

"I think this may be the indicator that we should all find our way to our own quarters," she suggested, "before it becomes too difficult to do so?"

"Then I have won, yes?" said Radek grinning up at Ronon as he leaned heavily on Teyla, still not quite able to support his own weight.

Ronon shook his head. "Only if you can stand up," he said, clearly dubious that Radek would be able to achieve such a thing.

"That is fair," Radek replied, and proceeded to struggle to his feet, all but climbing up Carson and Sheppard in the process, both of whom objected, albeit dazedly. It took him a moment, but Radek eventually did push himself to the center of the room where stood swaying, but independent of any external support.

"Tak," he said, folding his arms with drunken deliberateness. "I prove my claim."

"Less of you to hold up," Ronon frowned, though he did not exactly dispute the claim.

"More of you to hold alcohol," Radek pointed out.

"True," Ronon concurred, "so next time we'll try it with beer."

Radek laughed. "I will enjoy very much watching you try to out drink a Bohemian with beer," he grinned, then swayed a little too far and had to grab hold of Sheppard's shoulder to steady himself.

"Are the three of you capable of finding your own way to your quarters?" Teyla asked, a touch exasperated, "or must I return here after I have delivered Ronon?"

"We'll manage," John said, rubbing at his face and extending a hand to Radek to have him help pull him upright. It was a bit of a struggle and the two of them nearly crashed into the still when John finally staggered to his feet.

"Are you sure?" Teyla asked.

"Yeah, yeah..." John waved her off, leaning heavily on the wall. "I just need a sec is all."

Teyla rolled her eyes and shook her head as she all but dragged Ronon through the door. She bid them farewell kindly as she left, however, and Ronon lifted a hand briefly as they departed. It took Radek and John together to lift Carson to his feet, and once again Radek's still only barely escaped destruction. They made their way down the corridors, back to Radek's quarters, as a group, Carson supported between the two of them with John taking as much spport as he was lending. It was not the first time Radek had arrived home without knowing quite how he had accomplished it, but it was the first time he had done it at this home, and the combination of novelty and familiarity haunted him a bit.

He retained enough of his wits to get everybody's shoes and trousers off, and he managed it in spite of (rather than because of) John's various attempts to help. He was ready to pass on the seemingly impossible task of getting them all _under_ the covers, but then Carson stirred himself and pushed John out of the way so that the covers could be got out from under them. Then he reached out and grabbed hold of Radek, pulling him in to lie close beside him, and that was the last that Radek remembered for that night.

~*****~


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling into Life After Rodney.

If getting drunk off your face together wasn't enough of a bonding experience, John reflected painfully the next morning, then enduring the hangover from hell together the next morning was sure to put it over the top. He awoke, head-achy with a mouth that felt like the inside of a dumpster, and slowly became aware that the others in the bed with him were in similar straits, and they all wished to continue pretending that they weren't any of them awake yet.

It was Carson who dared the world of wakefulness first, dragging himself out from the warm embrace of his lovers to stagger to the bathroom. He returned with two glasses of water and gently insisted that he and Radek each drink theirs down, in small sips. John knew that Carson had the right of it, and complied, as did Radek, and when they had finished Carson took their glasses and returned to bed with them.

A few hours of fitful dozing and half awake snuggling later, Carson rose again, and this time it was to make up several slices of toast and pour three glasses of orange juice. Recognizing the inevitable when they saw it, Radek and John abandoned the bed in favor of the sofa, Radek bundling himself in Carson's quilt and John donning an overlarge set of sweatpants and shirt. They ate the toast and drank the juice that Carson urged upon them, conversing in monosyllabic whispers, and after another couple of hours, came to the conclusion that they could, in fact, deal with watching a few hours of the Simpsons on Radek's laptop.

By the time dinner time rolled around they all figured that they were ready to face the world, or at least as much of it as they were likely to encounter in the mess hall. They arrived together, and were eventually joined by Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth, and they chatted as they ate, about little, ordinary things. Life went on, and they would all be returning to their regular duties tomorrow.

There was one much dreaded task that awaited John Sheppard upon his return to duty, and that was selecting another science staff member for his team (he refused to think of it as a 'replacement' for Rodney). For a whole host of reasons, Radek was right off the table, and while he could not really reveal the primary reason -that he was sharing the man's bed- with Elizabeth even, she was willing to accept his other reasons. After that it was a toss up between Rebecca Coleman and Joanne Simpson, and John decided to offer the position to both of them, to see if either had a preference.

Simpson, as it turned out, was keen to go off-world, while Coleman found herself more involved in studying the workings of Atlantis itself, and so John began training Simpson to take a place on his team. She was earnest and attentive, and was certainly aware, though no one spoke of it, of whose shoes she was filling. She brought a new dynamic to the team, which wasn't a bad thing, it just wasn't what John was used to.

He knew he would get used to it. John would get used to having two women on the team now, and to the changed nature of the team banter; he would get used to all of these things... and he hated the very idea.

A little easier to take was the getting used to sharing his bed with Radek and Carson every night, though that involved a bigger change than merely having one more person in his bed. When he'd just been with Radek he had tended to spend two or three nights out of five in his own bed -alone. It wasn't that he didn't love sleeping the night through with his lover, but that certain defensive instincts had demanded that he keep up appearances. Radek had always understood, and John had never let himself dwell on what he might be missing.

Now, whenever John considered that it might be politic for him to spend a night in his own quarters, he had only to glance over at Carson to know that he couldn't. Carson Beckett was back to a full work schedule, and even seeing a few patients again, but he was still a little raw, and occasionally fairly fragile. He managed to keep a brave face during the day, but often came home to his lovers in the evening sorrowful and needy, and John knew he needed both of them there with him. It was possible, John reflected, that he was risking his career by staying so long, but recent events had given him a clear perspective on what was important in his life.

In addition, John was beginning to realize that the more time he spent with Carson and Radek as lovers, the less likely it seemed that they would ever go back to any other arrangement. He'd originally thought that this would be a temporary thing -a tide-me-over until Carson got back on his feet emotionally, and they all got over Rodney's loss. It was becoming evident to John, however, that in the first place, there was no getting over Rodney McKay, ever. They might learn to go on without him, but he would be a part of all of them, even in absentia, for the rest of their lives.

The other thing that was becoming inescapably evident to John was that, in helping Carson Beckett find himself again, John was also finding him to be someone he just plain cared about, and he suspected Radek was feeling the same way. They were all changing, as people and as a... trio, and in grieving together they were also growing together, and growing closer. If he had been asked outright about the possibility of taking part in a threesome relationship a year ago, John would have said that he thought it an entertaining but practically unworkable type of relationship, but now he seemed to be confronted with a fait accompli. Though none of them ever discussed it, of course, it seemed an indisputable fact that John Sheppard was sharing a bed with two men he loved -and loved equally. Giving that up, now or any time in the future, just wasn't an option.

The weeks passed, then, with John and those around him getting used, albeit reluctantly, to life without Rodney. As they passed however, they brought ever closer the dreaded day that they must return to MX-374 and reclaim Rodney's body from the flooded city. As little as John was given to reflecting on emotional considerations, there was no escaping the feeling that the slow healing that was finally beginning to take place within him and those who had been closest to Rodney was becoming badly frayed by this impending ordeal.

Finding and retrieving Rodney McKay's body would tear open once again the terrible wounds that his death had caused -in all of them; John had no illusions about that. It would surely be hardest on Carson, and only marginally easier, if that, for himself and Radek. Still, his lovers had shown him a way to avoid the pitfalls of guilt and isolation which had plagued him in the past, and if they would insist that he release the grief he had always kept bottled up inside in the past, they also offered comforts which he had once forbidden himself.

It was more than a fair bargain, he had to admit to himself. It might even be an improvement.

 

~*****~


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreaded recovery mission...

It was probable, Radek reflected as he adjusted the straps and buckles of the unfamiliar garment he donned, that the tac vest would be unnecessary on this trip, but wearing one was SOP for all off-world trips, and Radek was not going to offer any objections. John, Teyla and Ronon were well used to such gear, and had already finished their preparations, but he and Carson still fiddled uneasily with their vests and weapons, seeking a level of comfort they probably weren't going to find.

None of them had slept well, if at all, the night before, and the days and nights preceding it hadn't been all that great for any of them either. Carson was back to struggling with depression and frequent bouts of tears again, John had been growing increasingly distant and taciturn with all of them, and Radek had been, he knew, taking it out on his staffs. He'd simply shut himself up in his office or lab and worked alone the last few days and the other scientists had let him. They all knew -all of Atlantis knew- what ailed him, and while Radek was not at all pleased to have the whole city know his personal business, at least he didn't have to explain himself, or his poor mood to anyone.

Glancing up at Sheppard -at his lover- Radek saw what others frequently did not. John's posture was deliberately casual as he leaned against the door frame, waiting for Radek and Carson, but his eyes, and the flat line of his mouth revealed his true state of mind to Radek. Radek also knew, as Carson did, that John had wakened with nightmares two nights ago, and had refused to speak, even to Radek, of what they had comprised. Radek had his guesses though.

Not all of John Sheppard's nightmares sprang from his time in Afghanistan, though that posting had provided material for quite a few. Overall, John tended to regard the time he had spent doing air-sea rescue in the North Atlantic as a positive one, but that posting had not been entirely free of horrific experiences either. The fact that John knew what a many days drowned corpse looked like was not something that crossed Radek's awareness much, most of the time, but these days he could hardly avoid thinking about it. He could not imagine how awful it must be for John, knowing that he would revisit that particular horror, and that it would be the corpse of a dear friend he would be facing.

That was, without question, one of the things that lay behind John's shuttered gaze as he waited with poorly feigned casualness for Radek and Carson to finish getting geared up. There was no pretense at all in Carson's demeanor, Radek noted. The man was clearly and plainly miserable and sat staring out at nothing once he had finished lacing up his boots.

"Are you ready, my friend?" Radek asked gently as he stood, laying a hand on Carson's shoulder.

"Not really," he said with a sigh, but stood nonetheless, laying a supportive hand on Radek's shoulder in return. "But there's naught to do but get it over with."

John nodded in silent concurrence as they left the gear up room and all five of them walked to the jumper bay in silence. Lorne and a party of three marines -a sort of emergency backup and honor guard- waited for them there, filing into the jumper after Rodney's former team and Carson and Radek. They were, he supposed, as close to family as Rodney had here and, without a word of discussion, everyone on Atlantis seemed to be treating them as such. It was, Radek thought, somewhat comforting, after a fashion.

So preoccupied was Radek with worries about his lovers and his his own sorrow, that he spared little thought for his usual discomfort with traveling off world until the blue skies of MX-374 appeared through the window of the jumper. Blue skies above, and blue water below, Radek thought, and much too much of it. The gate on this world was located on the larger of countless islands which surrounded it, and the deadly shipwrecked city from which they would reclaim Rodney's body was on a neighboring one. The island fell away below them as the jumper gained altitude and the vastness of the surrounding seas was revealed to Radek, who swallowed uneasily.

Because he had no ATA gene, because the city would not come to life for him as it had for Rodney and John, Radek -with Ronon to watch his back and do any heavy lifting- was the one who would be venturing down into the city to find Rodney. The logic of it was inescapable, as much as it meant that Radek would be facing several things he really, really did not want to face. No doubt he would have his own nightmares to compare with John's when it was all over, but at least, he considered as the jumper flew over the half submerged ruin that was their destination, he and Ronon would be able to spare John and Carson from seeing anything they didn't wish to.

Radek had never seen a real body bag before, much less put one to use, but he felt honored, in a way, that he would be doing this one last thing for Rodney, and for his lovers.

John made another, closer pass over the miniature, though still not terribly small, ancient city, and Radek found himself subject to very mixed feelings about the what he saw. On the one hand, he recognized how much he would have wanted to explore the place, with Rodney at his side, of course, and even now he felt himself tantalized by the potential it represented, the discoveries that might be made there. On the other hand, however, this was the place that had sealed Rodney McKay's doom. It was the city itself, through it's damaged and malfunctioning but still active mechanisms, that had trapped him and condemned him to death. This was the city that had murdered his friend, and Radek loathed it with a surprising passion.

He feared it too, for good reason, and he was going to have to venture into it. For the past several weeks it had been concern for his lovers that had taken up most of Radek's thoughts, but now his own awful tasks suddenly loomed very large in his mind. He felt an abrupt surge of anxious nausea settle in his guts as the jumper came to land near the single grounded pier of the city, and feared for a moment that he would not be able to make himself leave the safety of the ship.

When John stood up beside him, however, Radek found himself rising as well, almost without thought. He could do this, he realized. He would do it for Carson and for John, and for Rodney... and for himself as well. Coming to Atlantis, and working with Rodney McKay had shown Radek just how much he was capable of, and it was so much more than he had ever imagined. Recalling that, Radek knew he was equal to this task as well, no matter how dreadful, and he held that knowledge close to his heart as he stepped out of the jumper.

They stopped and stood at the top of the grounded pier, gazing down at the first set of doors which stood open, beckoning them to enter the dark, dangerous depths of the half sunken city. John initialized the hand scanner Radek would use to find his way to where they had left Rodney, and to track energy signatures, and handed it to Radek, who was making one more check of the tools in his pack. The chances were, Radek reflected, that he'd have to force at least one door between here and his destination, and he wanted to be sure that he had everything he needed... including a couple of small C-4 charges.

When he was sure he had everything, Radek straightened, shouldering his pack and turning his gaze to that waiting doorway. He became aware of Ronon's presence at his side, imposing and protective, and felt the heavy warmth of his hand settling on his back for a moment.

"You ready, doc?" he rumbled, and of course the true answer was 'no' -Radek would never be ready for this- but the answer he gave was a shrug.

"As much as I will ever be," he said, and the two of them started down the sloping pier toward the open maw of the city.

"Please, please, be careful, love," Carson called after them, and Radek said, "I will," but he didn't look back.

He and Ronon both had flashlights, and they both turned them on the minute they stepped into the shadows beyond the open door. Scanner in one hand, torch in the other, Radek mused. How often had he walked thus, into unknown realms? Too often, unpleasant surprises awaited at the end of such explorations, and yet he continued to venture forth. He prayed that there would be no surprises on this journey, but the unpleasantness was pretty much guaranteed. Ronon's presence at his back, silent and attentive, was a profound comfort.

All the corridors they walked sloped slightly downward, and before too long they were walking through ankle deep water, so that their footsteps sloshed. The sound echoed around them, giving the empty, ruined city a mysterious, watery voice that Radek didn't like one bit. It made him shiver and want to walk faster, though that only got his trousers wet and made the sound louder. They passed through three open doorways before they came to one closed one which it took Radek only a minute or two to open. Then they were in the room which, according to John's notes in the scanner, was where he and the rest of the team had been trapped. Through the doorway beyond, then, was where Rodney lay.

That door was closed too, of course, and it proved a bit more stubborn. After several minutes of working and swearing and almost dropping important tools into the water, Radek got the door to open a little more than a hand-span, then it froze.

"I got it," Ronon said, and Radek nodded, figuring that he likely did. He gathered his tools and stepped away, giving the man room to work. It was as he stepped back that he noticed for the first time that the space beyond did not seem entirely dark -as every other part of the city they had passed through had been.

"Co to je...?" he murmured to himself, adjusting the scanner and peering at it intently. There was, it seemed, _some_ powered device operating in the next room, though what it was Radek had no idea, and the scanner was not able to tell him.

With a low growl, Ronon grasped the edge of the recalcitrant door and pulled, putting all his weight into it. It gave a little, opening another ten centimeters or so, and Ronon pulled again. This time it only yielded a little. Still, Radek figured, with his pack off, he could probably slip inside, and something about the blue-green-ish cast to the light spilling out was tantalizingly familiar to Radek. Something about it made him want desperately to get closer to find out what it was, because he knew, somehow, that it was terribly important.

Ronon had shifted over to try tugging at the other half of the door as Radek drew near again, shining his flashlight through the opening to see what lay beyond. He spotted the source of the light immediately, and felt his heart leap. It couldn't be... could it...?

"Hold this," he said without preamble, sliding out of his pack and handing it off to Ronon. He presented himself to the opening sideways, leading with his torch hand as Ronon stood close and muttered, "Are you sure it's safe, doc?"

"Of course not," Radek replied, holding a free hand back through the opening to take his pack back once he had slipped through. "But there is something important here..." He trailed off as he approached the tall column of blue-green light. Of course he recognized the device, as well as the shadowed figure suspended inside.

~*****~


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney makes his own miracle.

"Bože... Pane Bože..." Radek stood in the ankle deep water before the stasis chamber for a long moment, stunned by the fact of it, by what it might possibly mean. After a spell, however, he tore his eyes away from the partially occluded face of the dear friend suspended within it, and shifted his focus to the control panel. It came as no surprise to him to find a jury rigged mess there, and _do predel,_ if the man hadn't used the energy source from his _hand scanner_ to power the thing.

"Talk to me, doc," Ronon's voice came from the room beyond and Radek heard the man give another grunt as the door gave way under his efforts yet further.

"Am fine..." Radek said distractedly as he examined the controls with the utmost care, wanting to be very sure he was going to power the thing down correctly. "But I will need you here very shortly."

There was another grunt and a rusty, grating noise, and the light of Ronon's flashlight revealed that the opening into the upper room stood at almost a meter now. It would do. The splashing sound of Ronon's footsteps approaching sounded a moment later, and then they stopped as he too, stood in astonished silence before the active stasis chamber appearing to contain Rodney McKay.

"The hell...?" Ronon commented.

"Is too soon to say anything," Radek muttered, his focus not shifting from the control panel in the least. "Please, no talking for moment."

Rodney's patch job had been desperate, but fairly straight forward. Even so, it was nothing short of a miracle that the thing had worked for so long. Radek felt fairly sure now that he knew what should be done to power the chamber down properly, and every reading he'd been able to get showed that the device had functioned altogether properly for the last six weeks. According to all this, then, Rodney McKay would be alive when Radek released him from the stasis chamber... but surely that was too much... _much_ too much to hope for...?

"Be ready..." Radek said at last, mouth dry with impossible anticipation. "Be ready to catch him."

Ronon stepped forward, throwing an incredulous glance Radek's direction, and Radek met that incredulity and surpassed it. Radek spared a moment to reflect on the chance that had brought possibly the two most skeptical people on Atlantis (with the exception of Rodney McKay) to witness what might be one of Atlantis' most astonishing miracles... and then powered down the stasis chamber.

As he had seen happen on the other stasis chambers he'd observed, the obscuring veil of light descended slowly, releasing a large quantity of water that had been trapped with Rodney as it fell. It hadn't covered his face, had it? Radek wondered desperately. The water fell out with a splash, drenching Ronon to the knee, and then Rodney collapsed in it's wake. Ronon caught him with ease, reaching fingers around to lay on the pulse point of his neck even as he cradled the man in his arms.

"He's alive..." Ronon said, his voice somehow both matter-of-fact and astonished.

"But he is not breathing," Radek said a moment later, having come to lay a hand on Rodney's chest to feel the heart beat, but not feeling the chest rise under his hand. "Go, quickly," he said, nodding towards the doorway. "I will tell the others to be ready for him."

"Any trouble, doc?" John's voice was tight anxious as he answered Radek's radio call, though he was clearly trying to sound casual.

"Not... precisely," Radek answered, not wanting to raise hopes but not knowing how to relay the needed information without doing so. "We did reach the location," he began, "but we did not find exactly find... what we expected to find. Ronon is coming up now, and you... you should probably have some oxygen at hand... and perhaps defibrillator."

There was an understandable pause. "Radek...?" John said finally, "you're not suggesting...?"

"Nothing is certain," Radek said curtly. "But it would probably be a good idea to have those things. I am following after Ronon, but he moves more quickly and I am gathering tools."

"Don't..." John's voice seemed a little dazed. "Don't be too long."

Radek promised that he wouldn't be.

 

Rodney was laid out on the deck with John doing rescue breathing on him when Radek reached the outside again. Carson was on his knees beside them, his mouth agape with astonishment and his eyes wide with shock and Radek dropped down to sit at his side, laying a hand on the doctor's shoulder.

"How...?" Carson turned to glance at Radek ever so briefly before returning his gaze to where John was forcing his breath into Rodney's lungs with long practiced skill. Carson Beckett might have been a brilliant medical doctor, but it was a good bet that John Sheppard had somewhat more experience with doing CPR in field conditions such as this. Radek could see how the actions were ingrained in him, almost automatic, so that he could do what needed to be done without thinking, which no one was quite capable of doing just now. Even Teyla, who stood clutching Ronon's hand, seemed stricken with amazement. "How is it possible...?" Carson finished his question with his eyes locked on Rodney.

"Was a stasis chamber," Radek answered, all his focus on the very same tableau. "Brilliant bastard managed to find way to activate it, even as room was nearly filled with water..."

"You brilliant, bloody bastard..." Carson echoed Radek's words with a broken voice as he reached over to take one of Rodney's hands where it lay on the deck. "Ye've nearly made it back to us, love, ye can't give up now..."

And as if the man had heard him, or perhaps felt his cold hand crushed in Carson's warm ones, Rodney chose that moment to cough, feebly at first, and much too wetly, but then again, and again, with growing strength. John quickly rolled him onto his side, steadying his shoulders as Carson rubbed his back and Rodney choked and gasped and coughed up nearly two lung-fulls of water.

"That's it love, that's it," Carson murmured, tears coursing freely down his cheeks now. "We've got you, we've got you; you're safe now, you're safe and breathin' and Oh Lord I can't believe you're alive, oh love, you're alive..."

Lorne came trotting down the deck just then with an O2 tank and a mask, and Carson laid the mask over Rodney's face even as he gathered the man into his arms to hold him, rocking him as he wept. Radek could see Rodney's arms move feebly to wrap around Carson, and his eyes widened as he looked around at party gathered on the deck all around him. He blinked up at John for a long moment, then refocused on Radek's face, just in time to see Radek slip his glasses off for a second to wipe at his own eyes.

The recognition and intelligence Radek was looking for in his friend was all there, and the nearly disabling wave of relief that coursed through Radek made him glad that he was already sitting. He replaced his glasses, reaching up then to lay a hand on Rodney's shoulder, to feel the warm, living truth of him, and he saw Rodney's lips move under the oxygen mask.

"It worked?"

Radek didn't know how he knew that Rodney had meant it as a question, because the words had been nearly soundless. Perhaps it was something in his eyes, as wide and astonished as all of theirs.

"Of course it worked," Radek said, fresh tears escaping as he struggled with the powerful urge to lean over and kiss the man. He reached up to lay his hand on Rodney's face instead, feeling the warm, live skin there with profound gratitude. "Of course it fucking worked, you brilliant, brilliant bastard."

 

Rodney's brilliance aside, Radek could not shake the feeling it was all much too good to be true, and that something was bound to go wrong before they could make it home. The up-till-now amicable natives would turn on them suddenly for the audacity of bringing a living man back from the ancient city; the gate would mysteriously malfunction and Rodney would die anyway without treatment from Atlantis' infirmary; the jumper would crash and they would all die. Radek tended to credit these thoughts to his natural Slavic pessimism, but the flat, anxious line of John's mouth as he walked along side the gurney upon which Rodney was riding suggested to Radek that he was not the only one still looking for worst case scenarios.

The natives, however, only looked on with frank admiration as they all loaded into the jumper, and when Radek dialed the gate with trembling hands, it whooshed into place just as it should. Radek looked over his shoulder into the back of the jumper as they entered the event horizon, seeing Carson sitting at Rodney's side, his two hands clasped around Rodney's one. John had radioed ahead for a medical team to meet them in the jumper bay, and they were there, waiting when they arrived, along with Dr Weir.

Radek and John remained in the front of the jumper and out of the way as Rodney was wheeled out and delivered into the care of Dr Chavous and her team. They smiled to hear Elizabeth's incredulous and overjoyed response at seeing Rodney alive and well, and Carson's tearful explanation of how they had found him. Then they were all gone on their various ways and John and Radek were alone in the jumper, in the suddenly quiet jumper bay.

"Radek..." John finally asked into the silence. "Did that all really just happen?"

"Do you mean is Rodney really alive?" Radek replied, "Or are you just dreaming?"

"Yeah..." John shook his head slowly.

"Only if I am also having same dream," Radek said, "which I find highly unlikely."

There was another long moment of silence and then John said, in a hushed, almost whispered voice, "My god... he's really alive."

"Ano, he is," Radek said, still grappling with the fact himself.

"My god, Radek..." John said again, and then, with the speed of thought, Radek saw that the jumper's front screen had gone opaque and John's arms were around him, holding him tight, though he shook with feeling.

Radek returned the embrace with equal fervor, feeling almost shocky to have such a great burden of sorrow lifted so suddenly. He clung to John in the private confines of the jumper and felt his lover do likewise, letting him know that he was not alone -in fact, he was anything but.

~*****~


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth settles in and Radek and John celebrate

Most of Rodney's more recent memories were a bit muddled, but that was to be expected. There was the bit involving trying (and apparently succeeding) to get the stasis chamber to work, which was muddled with terror and oxygen deprivation, and then there was the bit that followed, muddled by his recovery from the stasis chamber itself, plus the fact that he evidently hadn't been breathing at first. After that there had been the coughing and choking and the awful struggle to start breathing again, which was an altogether new sort of terror for Rodney, but even through all that there had been familiar voices and soothing touches. By the time he was managing to get anything like real breaths of sweet, sweet air into his lungs, Rodney had known he was back with his people -with Carson and John and Radek and Teyla and Ronon- and that all would be well.

It was when they got him on oxygen (wonderful, wonderful oxygen) and his brain began firing on all four again, that Rodney began to consider how much time had to have gone by for his team to have been able to rescue him. There was also little doubt in Rodney's mind that they would have had to have thought him dead for all that time, and the shocked look on Carson's tear streaked face, and the broken sound of his voice pretty much confirmed that for Rodney.

He worked on trying to wrap his head around that idea for the duration of the jumper trip back to Atlantis, holding as tightly as he could to Carson's hands where they gripped his. In the end he resorted to trying to imagine how he would have felt if he'd thought Carson dead for six weeks and when that hit home Rodney found himself gazing, wide eyed, into Carson's tear filled ones, wanting desperately to speak to the man, to offer him the reassurance that he surely wanted, but prevented from doing so by the oxygen mask.

Carson seemed to understand, though, for he lifted one of his hands to smooth Rodney's hair and then leaned over to kiss him gently on the forehead. Rodney felt a single tear drop from Carson's eyes onto his face, felt the heat of it burn across his cheek, and understood the depth of his lover's grief, and the depth of his joy, all at once.

The look Elizabeth gave him as he was wheeled out of the jumper was one he had only seen her give Sheppard before -the look reserved for people who had, impossibly, come back from the dead. Rodney realized that he was going to get that look from a lot of people over the next few weeks and felt a little surge of dismay. Settling back into the ordinary routines of his life, he reflected, might not be so simple at first.

Getting checked into the infirmary involved, as usual, a host of small indignities and discomforts, but eventually resulted in a number of improvements in his personal comfort, including being dressed in nice, clean, dry scrubs, and having the oxygen mask replaced with a cannula, which made speaking considerably easier. The coughing continued to plague him, however, and while each bout left his lungs feeling a bit clearer, it was an exhausting process and when, at last, he was comfortably bedded down with Carson sitting at his side and no one else around, all Rodney wanted to do was sleep.

"Sorry I scared you," Rodney managed, desperate to offer Carson some comfort, even as his eyes were fluttering closed.

"It's alright, love," Carson murmured, leaning to touch his lips to Rodney's. "Ye've come back to me now, and that's all that's important."

"Always..." Rodney managed to mumble as he drifted off at last. It was a foolish, impossible thing to promise, and what he'd sort of meant to say was that he'd always _try_ , but he'd only been able to get the one word out before he fell asleep.

When he woke again, it was to the awareness that there was a warm, heavy weight across his knees, and he reached down, almost instinctively, to run his fingers through the tousled hair of the man lying slumped over his bed. Carson responded sleepily to the touch.

"You know you're going to ruin your back sleeping like that," Rodney murmured affectionately. Carson groaned a little as he lifted himself up, apparently proving Rodney's point.

"You're still here..." he said, voice rough with sleep. "I didn't dream it..."

Rodney shook his head, reaching down to take Carson's hand again. "Still right here," he said. "Just like I will be when you wake up in that cot over there..."

Carson straightened painfully, then leaned over to give Rodney a tender kiss. "Aye, I suppose you're right," he said. "Do you need anything while I'm up?"

Rodney shook his head. "Got everything I need right here," he said, then coughed to cover the unaccustomed sentiment of his words.

"As do I, love," Carson said, brushing his fingers over Rodney's cheek one last time before he tumbled into the adjacent cot. "As do I."

~*****~

 

Ordinarily, they were more circumspect, and never entered or left Radek's quarters together, but today, all but shell shocked with the enormity of their discovery, Radek and John made their way together, falling into each other's arms again as soon as the door closed behind them. They stood and held one another without speaking for some time, hearts too full for words, until Radek's own small discomforts finally asserted themselves.

"Sakra," he muttered. "My boots are full of sea water."

"Shower?" John said with his usual economy of words as he nuzzled the side of Radek's neck.

"With you?" Radek replied in kind, inviting his lover with a happy leer.

"Definitely," John answered, moving his hands to lift Radek's shirt away as though that had been his plan all along -and perhaps it had.

They undressed each other with skillful efficiency, held up briefly by Radek's brine soaked boot laces. Radek's feet, when finally liberated, were pale and pruney, and he had to wiggle his toes to be sure he could still feel them. "We will have very hot shower, please?" he requested as he followed his naked lover into the bathroom.

Though he could be smug about the abilities his ATA gene afforded him at times, most days Radek really enjoyed the fact that John could do things like have the shower running and set at just the right temperature even as they entered the bathroom. The water was hot enough to be ever so slightly painful at first, as it struck Radek's chilled skin, but he had adjusted to it after only a few seconds, and let loose a heartfelt sigh of comfort as he felt his body absorb the warmth.

The Ancient Lanteans had evidently considered shower comfort a priority, because even the small rooms like Radek's featured showers easily big enough for two... or more. The shower spray was generously wide as well, so that when Sheppard stepped in beside him Radek was able to stand back far enough to observe without leaving the comfort of the cascade of steaming hot water. Everything was slightly soft focused, of course, between the clouds of steam and Radek's own less than perfect vision, but even so, watching John throw his head back and let the spray course over his body, running in rivulets over his darkly haired chest and thighs, was a pleasure Radek never failed to appreciate.

The real glory of it was that watching a naked John relax in the shower involved both purely aesthetic delights, as well as an undeniably physiological one. John was beautiful, and never more so than when he was revealed like this, the water accentuating the contours of his perfectly defined muscles and making him glisten under the bright bathroom lights. At the same time, Radek could not help imagining placing his hands and mouth and other bits of his own flesh all the places that the water touched, and his imagination was fired further by his many memories of watching that body respond to his touch, muscles moving and contracting reflexively in response to the pleasure his touch brought.

Radek loved to watch without touching for as long as he could stand it, though that was never too terribly long.

John knew it too, and after the first few moments of simply basking in the shower's relaxing heat, he tended to show off. His movements languorous, he lifted his hands to comb his fingers through his water slicked hair, then let them caress their way down his body, ostensibly helping the water carry away the day's sweat and dirt, but mostly making Radek want to put his own hands there. Radek hummed in appreciation, but held his hands back for the moment, enjoying the show.

Grinning devilishly (and Bože but the man did that far too well), John reached for the shower gel next, getting a generous handful and working it into a lather which he proceeded to slather all over his body. Radek licked his lips as he watched a little blob of suds perch for a long moment on one of John's nipples before succumbing to the shower's spray, and wanted desperately to lick every part of the body John was displaying for him. His own cock was lifting in undeniable interest, and it wanted to be touched as well, but Radek knew that the secret to enjoyment of many things was pacing, so he continued to hold back. The fun would come soon enough, he knew.

There was, for instance, plenty of pleasure, both aesthetic and prurient, to be had in watching John's cock gradually go from loose and relaxed to slightly tumescent to half erect to fully hard and upright over the course of a few minutes. It was a show all to itself. It also served as an amusing indicator that Radek was not the only one being tormented here, and Radek was pretty sure that, as was often the case, John would resort to touching himself before Radek did.

Sure enough, there was John's hand, slipping down over his belly to palm his erect flesh, then wrap long, agile fingers around it to pump just once, and that was Radek's cue that he had held back long enough. He stepped forward, taking hold of both John's hands and pulling them away so that he could press his own groin against John's as he lifted his head to bring their lips and mouths together.

John moaned into the kiss, taking hold of Radek's head to control it, even as he ground his erection helplessly against Radek's. John liked to play at taking control at the start, but also seemed to enjoy having Radek take it away from him. Radek was no stranger to such dynamics, and pressed back into him, weakening John's control by heightening his arousal. Reaching up to play with both John's nipples -pinching them and rolling them between his fingers- undid him further until John had to gasp, releasing Radek from the kiss.

Thus freed, Radek lowered his head to take with his mouth what his fingers had possessed earlier. He loved tasting John's nipples -loved tonguing them into pebbly hardness, loved pinching them between his lips, or between teeth and tongue, and loved most of all how John groaned and panted when he did these things. When in the right mood, Radek could be content doing this for hours, bit this evening he was impatient, and had other objects in mind.

To that end, Radek bent lower, though his fingers continued to enjoy John's nipples, and kissed his way down his lover's torso, eventually dropping to his knees. There he wasted no time, licking and kissing John's hard and needy flesh for only a few moments before he wrapped his lips around the crown then took it deep as he could, till he could feel it brush the back of his throat.

"Oh fuck, Radek..." John groaned as Radek began to move his mouth up and down John's shaft, and Radek lost himself in the pleasure of the task. Ježiší marja, how Radek loved to feel the thick, living hardness of John's cock filling his mouth. How he loved the velvet feel of him, the tantalizing contours passing over his lips and tongue, the warm, human taste that was only John. How he loved feeling John's hips tensing and thrusting under his hands, feeling John's hands clutching at his head, his fingers tangling in his hair, and John's voice, low and throaty, as he moaned and panted in response to Radek's ministrations.

Aware, as well, of the pleasant counterpoint of the hot spray of the shower caressing his back and shoulders as he sucked John's cock, Radek dwelt in the moment -his heart full- for as long as he could. More often than not Radek refrained from bringing John all the way to completion when he knew there would be more to follow after the shower. Tonight, however, Radek felt so suffused with joy, he was unable to hold himself back. He let John's hands guide him, faster and deeper, sucked and tongued in time with the rhythm John set until he felt John go rigid, his hands tighten almost painfully on his head, his voice give a choked cry, and tasted the salty warmth of his ejaculate over his tongue.

They both fell back, panting, John to lean against the wall of the shower, Radek to rock back on his heels, tilting his face up to let the shower push his hair out of his face, and rinse the small trace of semen away from the corner of his mouth. After a moment he felt John draw him up to pull him into a kiss, and Radek complied happily, wrapping his arms around his lover and holding him close under the shower. John took advantage of that closeness to reach a hand down to caress Radek's ass, then slip around the front to close gently around his cock.

Radek moaned and thrust his hips helplessly, but then reached down with some effort to push John's hand away.

"I want to use this to fuck you," he murmured into John's throat, "very, very soon, and I want to do it in the bed."

"Bed is good," John said, nuzzling Radek's hair. "So is very soon."

"Yes, yes, I am also genius," Radek said with a grin, and held out his hand to John. "Soap please." Radek knew perfectly well that John would liked to have washed him, but that would not result in a expedient move to the bed.

"Never said you weren't," John said with an easy smile, filling his hand with soap and then leaning back to watch Radek wash. Radek smiled to see him reach down and begin to handle himself as he watched, and they both knew that John was going to come again tonight. Knowing that John was going to enjoy himself no matter what he did, Radek cleaned himself as expediently as possible, heading out of the shower the moment the water was off.

They were dry and on the bed in under a minute, the lube clutched in Radek's hand and John on his elbows and knees, open before Radek with his thighs wide apart. Concentrating to keep his hands steady, Radek smoothed fingers full of lube in and around John's opening and basked in the sound of John's broken moaning.

"Fuck... just, fuck..." John groaned as Radek quickly pressed two, then three fingers into him. "Fuck, Radek, I'm good; I'm good... just..."

"Ano, ano..." Radek's hands were shaking now, as he hastily slicked himself up. Then he was bracing those hands against John's ass and pushing himself in, sinking his cock deep into the heat of John's body and almost sobbing a bit at the intensity of it. "Miluje te... " he moaned, even as he heard John cry out, "Oh fuck, yes...!"

Radek fought to savor it for as long as he could, holding himself inside his lover for several leisurely seconds before drawing slowly out, and sucking in a slow breath before sinking back in again. He managed to keep up a steady pace for a bit, in spite of John's increasingly desperate thrusts back against him, but he eventually broke. He felt himself break, thinking briefly, now no one is in control, before giving in to the imperative to match his lover's thrusts with increasing force and tempo.

The sounds they made degenerated to voiceless pants and grunts for a length of time, until Radek's pants began to morph into cries, wordless but full voiced again and again... and then he felt John shudder beneath him, his back arching and his release spattering on the bed. At the first contraction of John's climaxing body around his cock, Radek was gone, hammering his hips hard into his lover twice and then coming himself.

Time seemed to still as Radek felt the ecstasy course through his whole being, and his awareness of his lover experiencing similar pleasures only intensified that sense. It was with regret that Radek felt the moment pass, but it left him with the certainty that life was still pretty damned good. He felt that sense all but radiating from John as well, as he shifted around to allow John to collapse on his side. They slipped apart when he did, and Radek shuddered just a bit to feel it. He curled close, content to his very bones to feel John's arm's come to encircle him.

They lay in contentment and silence for some time, and many nights they fell asleep at this point, but not tonight. Radek lay with his eyes closed and reveled both in the sense of John's arms around him, and the knowledge that Rodney McKay -more dear to him than he had ever realized- was not lost to him after all. Just the realization that he might, some day soon, not be in charge of the Science Division was a source of dizzying joy, and the enormity of it all made his mind whirl, and made sleep impossible.

The was also just the slightest tinge of bittersweet to Radek's musings, however, for he had gotten used to having one more body in this bed the past few weeks and he found himself missing Carson -more, perhaps, than he ought. John was his and he was John's; Radek knew that without a shadow of a doubt and up until recently it had been enough -more than enough. He felt John's face nuzzle against his forehead and knew that John wasn't asleep either.

"Is it wrong to miss him?" Radek asked softly into the quiet dark.

"Not if I miss him too," John answered, pulling Radek a little closer. Radek cherished his lover's ready forgiveness in silence for a contemplative moment, until he could nerve himself up to ask the question that followed.

"Is it wrong..." Radek's voice was little more than a whisper, "...to want them both?"

John's first answer was to press his lips against Radek's temple and when he spoke his voice was hushed and a little frightened. "It better not be, lover," he said. "It better not be."

~*****~


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carson and Rodney's reunion

They'd just barely dodged the pneumonia bullet, Carson found it necessary to remind his lover repeatedly, and that was more than reason enough to keep Rodney in the infirmary for a week. Today, however, he finally felt confident enough in Rodney's health that he was letting him out of the infirmary, and Rodney was practically bouncing off the walls. Carson had, of course, given him a whole laundry list of stuff he couldn't do for a while yet and Rodney had done him the courtesy of pretending to take it seriously, though Carson saw too readily through the subterfuge. Carson knew his lover too well, and had made arrangements to get off shift a bit early to accompany Rodney home, much to his Rodney's chagrin.

"I'm not a child," he'd grumped as Carson had strolled happily along side him down the corridor. "And I don't need a baby sitter."

"Well, I suppose I'll just have to beg to differ," Carson said mildly. "You can't look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't have gone straight to the labs, can you?"

Of course, Rodney couldn't, and therefor had to resort to excuses. "Look, Radek's been holding down the fort in the Science Division all by himself for the last six weeks," he pointed out. "And you know as well as I do that he's in it completely over his head. He's been trying to hide how desperate he is for me to come back, but honestly, he hasn't been doing a very good job of it."

That Carson couldn't deny, and while he did sort of wish that Radek could have hidden his impatience a little better, he could hardly blame the man. He might have gotten his lover back, but Rodney's reappearance had come like the lifting of a death sentence to Radek and it was little wonder he found it so difficult to hide his relief. Still, there was no way Carson was going to let Rodney take over any duties in the labs for a few days yet, and he knew that Radek would manage those few extra days just fine.

"Aye, he will be very happy to have you back," Carson confirmed, "but he wouldn't be very happy at all to have you back for a few days and then have to take the job back for another week after you collapse from exhaustion because you took on too much at once. You'll have to be satisfied with having your laptop and email back for a few days, love, and that's that."

Rodney shot him a black look, but it didn't last long. Carson suspected that this was because how own look was still a bit shell-shocked whenever his gaze caught his lover's wide, blue eyes and he found himself thinking, alive, he's really alive, and I haven't lost him at all... A week after Rodney's return Carson was still frequently dumbstruck by this realization, and still had moments, when he found himself separated from his lover, that panic would strike him and it would all seem impossible.

He'd have to drop whatever he was doing at those moments and hurry back to the infirmary, sometimes barely preventing himself from all out running, just to lay eyes on Rodney as he slept or ate or berated his staff or yelled over the radio at one of his 'minions'. He'd stand back in the doorway, his heart hammering in his chest, and let his eyes soak in the truth of Rodney's existence like a parched flower taking in water. Those moments frightened Carson just a bit, because he felt at those times just how close to the edge he was, and how fragile.

He reminded himself that he had, with the help of his friends, managed to find a way to go on without Rodney, before, even if there would always have been an empty place in him where Rodney had once been. Rodney's reappearance, however, had completely undone that fledgling sense of equilibrium, and Carson found himself all but floundering again. He was fine whenever he was with Rodney, better when he was touching him, and Carson knew that there were things he needed that he hadn't been able to do anything about while Rodney lay in the infirmary.

Exchanging glances as they walked down the corridor to the quarters, Carson could see that Rodney recognized this too, as much as he groused about not being able to get to the labs. Rodney could indeed be entirely oblivious to the needs of others around him, but he'd also become somewhat attuned to Carson over the year they'd been together -something Carson found both touching and gratifying.

Even now, Carson watched Rodney's dark look of impatience dissolve into a mixture of worry and affection, and luckily they were just coming up to the door to their quarters, because all Carson wanted to do at that moment was grab Rodney and kiss the living daylights out of him. It was just what he did the minute the door closed behind him and from the way Rodney responded it seemed that he'd wanted something similar. Within seconds they were both clutching at each other with unbridled desperation, Carson's hands splayed possessively over Rodney's skull and Rodney's arms wrapped around his torso so tightly that it was a little difficult to breathe.

Carson wasn't sure exactly when his tears began to fall again, though he was hardly surprised to feel them. They seemed to break something in Rodney, however, who pulled back from the kiss to murmur, "Carson, Carson, it's okay... I'm here; I'm alive; I've got you; I've got you... oh god, please don't cry any more..."

Carson sniffled hugely and laid his head on Rodney's shoulder, letting Rodney support his weight. "It's alright, luv," he said, watery voiced. "It really is. It's just... well you know how it is with me, and this is the first time I've gotten to really hold you... like I've wanted... since... since we got you back..."

"Yeah, yeah, okay," Rodney said, kissing the side of Carson's neck and throat. "and, you know, me too... I mean, I've really, really wanted to be with you since... you know... and we haven't been able to..." Rodney's hand was moving over his back now and with every pass something inside Carson relaxed a little more.

"Could we, um..." Rodney continued after a moment. "I mean, you wanna go sit on the bed now?"

"Aye, aye... of course," Carson said, straightening suddenly as he realized that Rodney was holding up a fair proportion of his weight. "Sorry, luv."

"No need to apologize," Rodney said, guiding them both to the bed where he sat down beside Carson, never once breaking contact. Settling in next to his lover, Carson could now really lose himself in Rodney's presence -the smell of him, the warmth of his body, his arms enclosing Carson to pull him close. Every sensation, every touch, every breath brought the truth of Rodney's miraculous presence home to Carson with shattering vividness.

Alive, alive, alive... Carson's mind sang to him silently as he turned to kiss Rodney again, on his mouth, his eyes, his forehead, his throat, his ears. He took himself in hand when he felt Rodney hold him back for a moment, recalling that the man in his arms had only been out of the infirmary for ten minutes or so.

"Sorry... is this all right, luv?" he asked.

"Oh, we are so definitely on the same page," Rodney said with a reassuring leer, "but, ah... I was thinking we might want to get rid of some of the annoying clothing here, yes?"

"Oh, aye," Carson said happily, letting Rodney pull his shirt over his head. "That's bloody brilliant, that is."

"Genius here," Rodney grinned as soon as Carson had his shirt off, and Carson found himself pushing Rodney back onto the bed, laying over him and kissing his way down his lover's broad chest.

"Genius?" he murmured between kisses. "You're a fucking miracle, you are."

"You know, Radek isn't going to th... thank you..." Rodney stammered as Carson's lips found one of his nipples and worried it affectionately. "For... for in- oh fuck... inflating my ego like... like that..."

At the mention of Radek's name, Carson found his jubilant mood falter for a second. You're going to have to tell him, Carson reminded himself. He doesn't know, and he deserves to.

Intellectually, Carson knew he'd done nothing wrong, but could he be sure how Rodney would react to the news? Of course not. But you've no need to tell him right now, Carson reflected, and if it all goes south after that, at least you'll have had tonight.

As if to reassure him, Rodney's lips found his again a second later, and Carson was tasting his lover deeply once more. Rodney seemed to understand just what Carson needed too, for he opened to his lover, letting Carson take what he wanted, and Carson took and took and took, moaning slightly as he immersed himself in the living heat and moisture of Rodney's mouth.

It was shocking to think that he could be so lost in tasting Rodney, that his attention was not at all on other things, located further south, until Rodney thrust up against him. "Oh lord!" Carson gasped, suddenly all but undone by the sensations from his cock, hard and ready and trapped in clothing that clearly needed to be removed. Now.

Rodney was way ahead of him, his cleaver fingers already unfastening the closure on Carson's slacks and pushing them, together with his boxers, down over his hips. "Oh dear Lord!" Carson cried again, feeling his newly freed cock pressed against the warm, smooth skin of Rodney's naked stomach. He could only comply helplessly as Rodney grabbed hold of him and rolled them both, so that Rodney now lay atop Carson.

"Rodney..." Carson moaned softly as Rodney pushed himself up on his knees -and away from Carson- for long enough to shuck his own pants off, and then he was lowering himself again, his weight pressing down onto the length of Carson's body. It felt so good to give into that weight, to let it press all the air out of his lungs, and press all the old dread and grief out of him too. At the very last, Carson seemed to feel the remaining dregs of a black miasma of fear and anguish pushed out from the very depths of him, leaving his body, and suddenly he was whole again.

Carson drew in a new, strong, clean breath, easily in spite of Rodney's weight on top of him. "Love, oh love," he cried, thrusting his own hips up against Rodney's now, reveling in the wonderful sensations of their two hard cocks moving against one another.

"Oh god!" Rodney cried in answer, thrusting back with enthusiasm. His hands ran over Carson's skin, every centimeter of which had suddenly become almost as sensitized as his cock and Carson caressed his way down Rodney's torso till his found the man's perfect, full fleshed ass, grabbing it in his hands and pulling Rodney even closer. "Oh Carson, fuck..." Rodney gasped and whimpered.

"Yes, oh...!" Carson moaned, feeling something voracious wake inside him. "That's... that's... oh, yes... I want you in me, please, Rodney luv..."

"Fuck... fuck yes..." Rodney's language became almost shockingly profane when in the throes of passion and Carson found it nearly as endearing as he found it hot. "That's... oh fuck yes, Carson! Whatever... whatever you need..."

"I love you, Rodney," Carson sighed against Rodney's lips as his lover came to kiss him once more, on the mouth and on his face, with such tenderness Carson felt himself close to tears again.

"Love you too," Rodney murmured, "so, so much. Love fucking you... Gonna fuck you so good, Carson... gonna make you feel me inside you, so deep, so fucking deep... 't's what you want, isn't it? Feeling me inside you?"

"God, yes, love!" Carson moaned aloud, parting his knees and opening himself -so very hungry to feel Rodney inside him. "Please..."

"Hmm, yes, hold that thought..." Rodney said a little absently, reaching for something. Ah, of course, Carson realized, the lube. That would come in handy about now. Rodney was lifting his weight away from Carson a moment later, though he still knelt over him, and then he was lowering his head to kiss Carson throat, then his collar bone, and finally his nipples, making Carson writhe and moan with his lips and tongue on the sensitive nubs of flesh.

"Rodney..." Carson moaned again, not sure if he was pleading for his lover to do something or just saying his name because he could and there was, once again, someone to answer when he called. For answer Rodney did, with his hands caressing their way down Carson's sides, and his voice, a little muffled against Carson's skin, but unmistakable, nonetheless.

"M'right here," he said gently. "I've got you; I've got you... gonna make you feel so good, make you forget everything bad, just for a little..." And although that seemed a bit of a tall order, Rodney proceeded to promptly prove his point, lowering his mouth over Carson's hard and needy cock, and enclosing it in the living, wet warmth Carson had tasted only a few moments ago.

"Oh love...!" Carson cried aloud, arching his back and unable to stop himself from thrusting hard into Rodney's mouth. Rodney stopped him, however, with strong hands on his hips, taking him deep nonetheless, till Carson could feel the back of Rodney's throat touch the head of his cock. The waves of pleasure that followed in the wake of these sensations coursed through Carson's whole body, leaving him helpless to do anything but writhe in ecstasy, moaning and panting as Rodney sucked him.

Rodney took him to the very edge, as he was so skilled at doing, then drew back, cradling Carson's rigid, spit slicked member in his broad, able hands for a moment. One of those hands was already going to work elsewhere though, Carson observed with a gasp, as slick fingers teased at his opening, then pressed their way in. This, oh this was what he craved, to feel Rodney, warm and alive, entering him, moving within him. "Oh yes... Oh Rodney..." he moaned aloud, almost sobbing.

"Yes... fuck yes..." Rodney breathed a profane litany into Carson's ear as he moved his fingers in and out, opening and stretching him. "So fucking hot, so fucking tight... gonna feel so good around my cock... so fucking good..."

"Please..." Carson moaned as he felt Rodney add another finger. He was tight, Carson knew. It had been some time, after all, but he didn't want to wait any more. "Please... I need you, luv..."

"Right... right..." Carson could feel Rodney trembling a little as he drew his fingers out, and Carson moaned once again at the sudden emptiness. In reply, Rodney leaned down suddenly to kiss him with desperate passion, forcing his tongue into Carson's mouth and taking him, ravenously. Carson hardly had time to respond when Rodney pushed himself up again, aligning his rigidly hard flesh with Carson's opening and then slowly pressing his way in.

Carson groaned aloud to feel Rodney entering him, pushing deeper and deeper inside him, stretching him, filling him -all hot and hard and alive, alive, alive... Rodney held himself still for a long moment, letting Carson's body adjust to him, holding himself in check lest he lose control. Rodney's eyes were shut tight as he held himself, sheathed in Carson's living flesh, and Carson could hear and feel his lover's breath, harsh and uneven. After a bit Carson could hear the words Rodney was muttering as he panted, still profane and barely intelligible.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck..." Rodney breathed, arms shaking as he supported his weight on them. "So... so fucking tight... Need... Carson, oh god... need to move... need..."

"Yes..." Carson gasped in reply. "Yes, do it, do it, luv... now..."

It was with a long, wordless cry of relief and ecstasy that Rodney moved at last, pulling himself nearly all the way out, then thrusting back in, burying himself completely only to draw out again a moment later. He kept this up for some time, though it had to be exhausting him. It was what Carson needed above all else, however, and Rodney, bless him, divined that somehow. Feeling his body penetrated, so deeply, again and again, Carson experienced every thrust as an affirmation that Rodney, his own true love, was alive, alive, alive... and the truth of it filled him as much as Rodney's cock.

It was the very source of Rodney's life and liveliness moving within his body, and sending waves of sheerest pleasure through him, and if that wasn't enough, Carson only had to open his eyes to see Rodney's own, dazzling blue with passion and desire. His so very expressive mouth, lips parted to allow gasping breaths, would kiss his again, many, many times, and Carson's heart swelled to know it. It all but broke with the joy of it.

Rodney's lips were moving now, at first shaping words Carson could not hear, then willing just enough sound between the pants to be heard. "Carson... oh god, Carson... Want you... want you to come now... Want to feel you... feel you feeling me... inside you... feel you coming around me... oh fuck, Carson... now..."

Feeling Rodney's warm, strong fingers close around his cock, Carson was powerless to do anything but give a long, keening cry and come... and come, and come. He did feel Rodney feeling him too -felt his own body contracting and pulsing around where Rodney's hard flesh entered into him, felt the warm pulses of his seed flow past his lover's fingers, and a few moments later he felt Rodney shudder, cry Carson's name in a choked voice, and surrender to his own ecstasy.

Carson was weeping -sobbing really- when Rodney collapsed on top of him, and he wrapped the man in his arms and crushed him against his own body with all his strength. Rodney lay acquiescent against him at first, still shuddering slightly in the aftermath of his climax, but soon his arms came to enclose Carson and he was whispering Carson's name over and over again, placing soft kisses on his face between each word.

Carson, Carson, Carson," he murmured, kissing away tears. "I'm right here... see? See? I'm okay; I'm okay now... I... I love you... I do... Oh god, please don't cry any more... I can't stand it when you cry... please..."

"Oh love, it's alright," Carson managed at last, giving a long sniffle. "It's alright. It's just tears of joy is all... just tears of joy."

"You're... you're sure?" Rodney asked uncertainly, and Carson had to smile then, to see his lover's rare uncertainty, and to see some of the anguish fall away from his features as he saw Carson's smile.

"Aye, I'm sure," he answered, the smile widening and his tears fading. "I've never in my life felt such joy, love, and you're the cause of it, make no mistake."

"Today I am," Rodney retorted, with that cautious crooked smile and the twinkle in his eyes that told Carson that his lover had his equilibrium again, and Carson could only grin back at him.

"And tomorrow too, I'll wager," Carson answered. "I'm looking forward to it, just like I'm looking forward to having my lover in my bed tonight, for the first time in many long weeks."

Rodney's gaze grew haunted for a moment, and Carson recalled once again Rodney had not experienced the six weeks of his absence, and that being reminded of it still shocked him a bit. "I'll bet," Rodney replied, his voice gone very soft.

Carson shifted them both so that they lay facing each other on the bed, and reached up to cup Rodney's face in his hands. "Every minute I'm with you," he said, "puts another hour of the time I was without you into the past. It was a bad time but it's leaving me now, and you needn't do anything more than what you're doing right now. You needn't worry about it anymore, love, I promise you."

Rodney reached up to pull his lover close again, his hands guiding Carson to rest his head on Rodney's shoulder. Carson let his eyes fall closed as he did, and found sleep beckoning almost instantly. It had been a long day, and this was so good...

"I love you," Rodney said again, almost whispering. "Sleep now, and I'll be right here when you wake up."

So Carson did, and of course, Rodney was as good as his word.

~*****~


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations and explanations.

Rodney had done quite a lot of sleeping in the infirmary, and while he was still kind of tired a lot, and good sex (and this had been _great_ sex) usually did relax him into dozing for a while, Rodney did not fall to sleep right away that evening. It was troubling to think of Carson sleeping alone in this bed for six weeks, considering how much he'd missed Carson just having been cooped up in the infirmary for a week.

Combing his fingers idly through his sleeping lover's tousled hair, Rodney asked himself whether he would have preferred enduring 6 weeks of thinking his lover was dead, rather than the half an hour or so of sheer terror and being pretty damned convinced that he was a dead man, that he'd experienced. Really, there was no question. He couldn't imagine how badly he'd have fallen apart if he'd thought Carson was dead, and could imagine even less managing to live his life without the man for six whole weeks.

That Carson had found some way to go on all that time only raised him in Rodney's estimation, though he wondered, if more time had gone by, if Carson would finally have found someone else to be with. Rodney almost surprised himself to find himself hoping that he would. Carson shouldn't be alone, and if he was dead then he certainly had no claim. Rodney was fully aware of his insecurities (he had no doubt that if he ever lost Carson, he would never again meet anyone willing to put up with him, of that he was certain) but he didn't exactly think of himself as the jealous type either. He definitely had no truck with anyone who believed that they ought to have some sort of claim on a lover after their own death.

If he didn't believe in a life after death, and Rodney had just never been able to believe in anything of the sort, then insisting that a lover remain faithful after death was just plain stupid... and selfish too. Rodney knew he could be selfish as well, but not where Carson was concerned, somehow. Carson just brought out the better things in him... things he hadn't ever known he had at all, and he just had to let those more noble impulses call the shots where Carson was concerned.

There was a gust of warm breath against Rodney's shoulder as Carson sighed in his sleep, and Rodney tilted his head to press his lips against his lover's forehead. There were new creases there, Rodney noted, and new lines around his eyes -all signs that Carson had been suffering in Rodney's absence. Well, if Carson had made him any kind of a better person, Rodney vowed, then Carson would reap the fruits of it now. He would lavish every ounce of affection he had on his lover, and even if he was unlikely to ever really forget how awful the past six weeks had been, at least he'd also remember how attentive Rodney had been afterwards.

It wasn't much, Rodney allowed as he finally dozed off, but it was all he had.

***

 

Rodney woke feeling the scratch of whiskers against his shoulder, and warm hands roaming gently over his body.

"Still here..." he heard Carson whisper sleepily against he throat.

"Said I would be," Rodney answered him, kissing his face.

"One of these days I'll stop expecting it to be a dream, I promise," Carson murmured a little sheepishly, but Rodney only smiled and pulled him into a lazy hug.

"'S'okay," he said. "You're entitled."

There followed some half awake and almost erotic touching, and for a while Rodney thought a little morning sex might be in the offing, but something seemed to be troubling Carson -something new- which had Rodney utterly mystified, but which he knew he would have to be patient to hear about. Patience he could do, he told himself firmly, and finally Carson drew back to meet his eyes directly, drawing a breath of the sort that always presaged difficult news. Rodney steeled himself.

"There's something I need to talk to you about, Rodney love," Carson began, and Rodney swallowed and tried to freeze the expression on his face so as to hide his quickly rising sense of panic. "It's nothing about my feelings having changed in any way," Carson continued without pause, "because they haven't -not one bit, I promise you." He reached out to take both Rodney's arms in his hands, gripping them firmly -showing the strength of his feelings and grounding Rodney at the same time.

Rodney felt the burgeoning panic retreat, but there was no shaking the anxiety that remained. No conversation topic that had to be introduced in such a way boded well for any relationship, Rodney was convinced, and the worried, almost guilty look on Carson's face wasn't helping any.

"Okay," he replied to Carson's assurance, because, yes, that did allay a lot off fears, but so many more remained. Rodney was way too good at finding things to fear.

"It's... complicated," Carson went on, biting his lip, "and that's why I want us to get up and have a bit of breakfast before I go any further with it, alright?"

"And I'm supposed to have an appetite now?" Rodney complained, but he sat up all the same, throwing off the covers and casting about the room for his clothes.

"You've always an appetite for coffee, love," Carson answered, smiling mildly as he got out of bed as well. "I'd have you back in the infirmary in a blink if you ever said you didn't."

"Yes, yes, yes," Rodney groused, shuffling towards the bath. "My reputation precedes me. So does my reek, and so rather than spoiling your breakfast I'm going to go shower first."

Rodney heard Carson chuckle his thanks as the door closed behind him, and reflected that there didn't seem to be any tension between them despite Carson's impending 'complicated' news. Rodney could not help wracking his brain to try and figure out what it could be as he showered, but he came up with nothing. He knew he'd find out soon enough, so he tried to put it out of his mind till then, focusing instead on the smell of the coffee that Carson was just brewing.

The man was right, of course. A Rodney McKay who had lost the desire for coffee was a Rodney McKay who had lost the will to live, and Rodney had a lot of damned fine stuff going on in his life just now. The odor of coffee just seemed to bring it all back to him and, after all, one of the truly nice things going on in his life right now was that he was just about to have his first cup of coffee in a couple of weeks.

Carson even put it right into hands the moment he stepped into the 'kitchen' corner of their living quarters.

"Carson, I take back everything bad I ever said about you last week in the infirmary, I swear," Rodney said, savoring the brew that Carson had learned to make just the way he liked it.

"Did you say anything bad about me in the infirmary last week, love?" Carson asked, all innocence. "Oddly, I don't recall it."

Rodney grinned into his coffee mug. He knew he'd been the same irascible bastard he always was when a patient, but Carson had gotten much too good at ignoring him. "Selective hearing," he muttered. "Sure sign of... something."

The coffee lifted his spirits so, Rodney even let Carson talk him into a bowl of some muesli sort of stuff, made from local ingredients -which was better than Rodney would have guessed- with milk reconstituted from powder -which was just as expected. The origins of the various ingredients in the muesli made a good, uncontroversial conversation topic until they'd both finished and were lingering over their second cups of respective hot beverage, when they both fell into a somewhat awkward silence.

"So..." Rodney finally succumbed to the desire to get it all over with. "This... um, complicated thing...?"

"Aye," said Carson with a sigh. "Alright then." He fiddled with his teaspoon for a second, then drew a breath and began.

"I can't imagine how it must be for you, knowing everyone really believed you were dead... knowing _I_ believed you were dead... But we did... I did, and..." Carson looked up to meet his eyes for a moment, and then looked away again, and Rodney saw the guilt there again. What in god's name could Carson have to feel guilty about?

"We've never talked, you and I," Carson continued, stammering a little. "About... about if one of us should die... What we wanted... for the other, I mean... how soon we each thought..."

So that was it. The question Rodney had posed himself last night wasn't a 'what if' after all, it seemed. As vast and capable as Rodney's mind was, that took a moment to sink in. Carson had been with someone else. Of course, Rodney reminded himself sharply, he'd had every right to be. He'd had every reason to believe that Rodney was dead, so why shouldn't he? And if he was feeling guilty about that, well he needn't, and Rodney became immediately determined that Carson not feel one shred of guilt about it.

About seeking solace in the arms of another lover.

Even as he was reaching across the table to lay his hand on Carson's arm, offering affirmation and comfort, Rodney felt that second surge of unwanted feeling. He wasn't a jealous person; he wasn't! But the thought of Carson touching someone else the way Carson had touched him... Rodney wasn't sure what he felt about it, but it was nothing to do with logic or reasonableness, and it wasn't happy.

"You had no possible way of knowing I might not be dead," Rodney forged ahead, hand firmly grasping Carson's arm. "If you... if you were... with... someone else..."

Slowly, Carson nodded his confirmation, and whatever it was that Rodney wasn't certain  
what to call it, it lodged in his throat and he had to swallow hard to keep it back.

"Carson, I have no hold on you from beyond the grave," Rodney said, going for earnest in spite of his conflicted feelings. "And I don't want one." Taking Carson's hand between his two, Rodney tried to hold his gaze, while at the same time hoping like hell that Carson wouldn't see the feelings he had no name for, because somehow he didn't think it would make Carson feel any better.

"Hell, Carson, _I_ thought I was dead..." he continued, "and... and I have no idea what it took for you to get by after that, but if there was someone else you needed at that point, well I... I'm glad they were there." And that was all god's honest truth, Rodney knew, it just wasn't the whole of it.

"Thank you, love," Carson said softly, curling his fingers around Rodney's. "I figured it likely that you'd say as much, because you're a good man, but it's still hard saying it, and I see it's not so easy hearing it either, is it?"

Damn the man's perception, Rodney thought, frowning at Carson's words. "It doesn't matter," he said a moment later, shaking his head. "I mean... yes, it... it feels weird, okay? But so does knowing everyone thought I was dead. But you didn't do anything wrong, Carson, and neither did I. And that's... that's what has to matter, right?"

Carson looked like he wanted to argue the point for a moment, but then he frowned thoughtfully for a moment and looked up at Rodney with a resolved nod. "Aye, you're right," he said. "My feelings are all a-jumble for sure, but that doesn't mean I don't know good sense when I hear it." He gave Rodney a watery smile and Rodney was around the table in a flash, guiding Carson over to the sofa where he sat with him, holding him close.

Carson clung to him like a limpet, and Rodney knew he'd done the right thing, bringing him over to the sofa. They sat together for a little bit without speaking -saying the things that words failed to convey adequately instead, until Carson drew a long breath, pulling himself together a bit.

"You've a right not to know," Carson began again finally, "who it was, if you'd rather not, but you've a right to know as well, if you prefer. It'll be however you like."

Rodney gave a thoughtful sigh, fingers teasing through the feathers of hair at the back of Carson's neck. "How many other people know?" he asked eventually.

"We told no one," Carson answered, "though it's likely Teyla and Ronon figured it out... and it's possible that Elizabeth's guessed as well."

"No, I suppose I'd just as soon know," Rodney said with another sigh, "otherwise it'll wind up that half my staff will have figured it out and I won't have. I swear this city floats on gossip."

"Aye it's like a wee village that way," Carson said with a wisp of a smile that faded a second later. "It was... I was with John and Radek, Rodney. That's who... that's who it was."

It was odd, that Rodney distinctly remembered thinking, 'does not compute,' for a whole second. John and Radek were together, and if the steamy looks Rodney noticed passing between the two of them as they were visiting him in the infirmary were any indicator, that hadn't changed at all. Had they 'taken turns' with Carson because they were feeling sorry for him or something? That didn't sound like Sheppard or Zelenka, or Carson for that matter. Had all three of them...?

"John _and_ Radek?" he finally asked, because any further speculation was just going to send him right around the bend.

"Aye, well, yes..." Oh my god, the man was blushing beet red, Rodney noted with amazement. "It was all," he gestured inclusively, "all... three of us... together."

"At the same time?" Rodney clarified, because no way... really...

"Aye," Carson sighed, "at the same time."

The heat that Rodney could practically feel radiating from Carson's face was finding a home in him, somewhat further south. He should _not_ be thinking how hot the idea was. He should be thinking about...

"I, ah... had idea you were... into... that kind of thing?" Rodney finally asked.

"I'm not!" Carson protested. "I mean, I'm not usually. I've never done anything like that before, and really, when it started, it was almost an accident... in a way..."

"An... _accident?_ " Rodney's incredulity was reaching a breaking point. This was where the whole house of cards fell apart, surely. This was where he realized that he was still underwater and that the stasis chamber was failing and he was finally dying after hallucinating all the preceding due to oxygen deprivation...

"They had me come over and sleep on their sofa, because I couldn't sleep in our bed, and Teyla and Ronon wouldn't let me sleep on our sofa," Carson was babbling now and Rodney was barely able to make sense of it. "But then I woke up in the middle of the night crying again..." Wait... what? Crying? Again?

"And Radek woke up and said I should come sleep with them, and I just... I just needed someone to hold me and he did... they both did..." Carson had been waking up in the middle of the night crying? Rodney knew it hadn't been easy for his lover, but the picture that the words invoked made Rodney's heart hurt.

"Carson..." he tried softly, but the man was still lost in his panicked narrative.

"We just slept that night, Rodney. I swear that was all we meant, but in the morning... in the morning," Carson's voice faltered and Rodney realized with dismay that he was crying again.

"Aye, I suppose I did start it," Carson's voice was thick with shame. "But the others, John and Radek, they were eager enough once I'd started. They didn't want me to stop, and so I didn't... we didn't... and I'm sorry love, but I was just so lonely..."

"Carson..." Rodney grabbed him hard, almost shaking him a little. "Carson, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry; you don't. I'm glad they were there for you... I'm glad it was them..."

And he was, Rodney realized with amazement as he pulled Carson in close. Knowing who it was, and how it had happened made everything different. It wasn't some stranger Carson had gone to for comfort, but the two people Rodney trusted almost as much as he did Carson. Instead of the slightly creepy, uncomfortable feeling he'd had about Carson being with someone else, Rodney found that now he was kind of... well, turned on... just a bit, by the whole idea.

"You really are, aren't you?" Carson asked a moment later, wiping his face with the back of his hand and sniffling slightly.

"Sorry..." Rodney shook himself from his reverie. "Really am what?"

"Glad it was them," Carson clarified. "I can tell. And you know, they were nearly as undone as I was, thinking you were gone. We all really needed each other just then, and I don't suppose I'm really sorry that we found each other."

"Well you... you shouldn't be," Rodney replied almost automatically, his brain still in turmoil over this development and the bewildering variety of feelings it invoked in him. "You were... taking care of each other... because you're good friends, and that's... that's a good thing."

Looking back to meet Carson's eyes, checking to see that he had his facts straight, Rodney spotted a flash of unease in the man's expression. It seemed there was more.

"But that's not all it was, was it?" Brilliant he might be, but Rodney was completely out of his depth now, and making his way forward, step by step like this, just seemed to be leading him deeper.

~*****~


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney and Carson resolve things... for now.

We none of us thought it would last," Carson confirmed, his eyes downcast. "But as time went on and it all still felt... right, somehow... I think we were all beginning to wonder if this might be how it was for us... And then we found you alive... and we haven't really talked since, the three of us."

What a mess. Rodney stared down at where his and Carson's hands were joined, and Rodney thought it significant that while he and Carson were having frequent difficulties with meeting each other's eyes in this conversation, they were both clutching at each other's hands like a lifeline. He decided that this was, overall, likely a good sign, and forged ahead with the next difficult question.

"So..." he began, finding he had to work to push each word out, "you, ah... you still have... feelings...?"

"Rodney, love," Carson's grip became crushing and though he could feel the man's gaze burning on his face, Rodney couldn't quite make himself look up. "I know it's got to be hard to wrap your head around... bloody hell, it's hard for me! But no matter what I feel about anyone else, what I feel about you... it hasn't changed. I do love you, Rodney, with all my heart, and I always will. Ye must never doubt that."

Rodney nodded. "I know," he said softly. And he did. He really did. For all his many and familiar insecurities, Rodney had always felt secure in Carson's affections, though he could not explain why. It was why he'd allowed himself to be drawn into a relationship with the man at the start.

Carson drew a breath that sounded both relieved and steadying. "But it's true that I do still have feelings -more than friendship- for both of them," he said at last, "and I've begun to wonder if there might have been a potential for that, or more, for some long time."

Rodney gave himself some time to let that sink in, and Carson seemed content to give him that time. God, there was so much this might mean... or might not mean... and Rodney hardly knew where to start, until one fact surfaced with a bit more immediacy than the others.

"If you haven't had a chance to talk..." he wondered aloud, "with John and Radek, I mean... then you haven't really... settled... I mean... it doesn't seem right..."

"No," Carson shook his head, but then looked up at Rodney, who did meet his gaze this time, with such gratitude, and Rodney could see that much of the guilt had dissipated too. "We've... I've assumed that things would go back to how they were... but this just isn't a contingency we'd discussed..."

"You discussed contingencies?" Rodney inquired.

"Aye, of course," Carson explained. "We really didn't expect it to last, love. We figured that I might find someone else, or just need to go back to being alone for a bit, or that John and Radek might eventually decide that they wished to go back to being an exclusive couple... You'll understand that finding you alive again wasn't one of the things we thought likely enough to plan for."

No, of course not, Rodney reflected with a rueful smile. "You did say it was complicated..." he mused.

"Aye, that I did." Carson's answering smile was no less rueful, but it was a smile just the same and Rodney was pleased to see it. "And I probably shouldn't tell you this," Carson continued, his smile growing even more rueful. "But there is a _possible_ answer in something that Radek said, our first time together... I just want you to promise, Rodney, that you _won't_ think of this as something we expect of you, and that you'll take your time thinking about it."

"Um... okay," Rodney replied, not at all certain where this was going to lead, except almost certainly further down the rabbit hole that had become his life lately.

"What he said," Carson began. "When I asked them why... you know, because I didn't want it to be about them feeling sorry for me..."

"Right," Rodney nodded to let Carson know he was still following him.

"Well what Radek said, in answer, was that he thought that we should have done it before, and... and that it should have been the four of us. That was the reason he gave, and John agreed..."

Rodney could feel his eyes grow big as saucers. "What... you mean with me?" he sputtered eventually. "He said he thought that there should have been you three and _me_? All at once? In the same bed? And John agreed?" His voice had pitched up, by the end, into that slightly hysterical register Rodney hated but couldn't seem to suppress, and he winced.

"Well... aye, that's more or less the gist of it," Carson said, doing a stand-up job of keeping a straight face, Rodney was relieved to see. "But Rodney, love, you mustn't think this is something we assume you'll want, or that you need to make any kind of quick decision about. It was as much wishful thinking as anything, seeing as none of us thought we'd ever see you again."

"Right..." Rodney said absently, carefully picking through this new minefield of ideas and images, because he was damned sure his head had never, ever been this close to actually exploding before, and he preferred to avoid that if possible. There were dozens of variables in this equation he'd never thought of putting together before, and any one of these new combinations had the potential to turn his world upside down.

The very idea of Carson kissing Radek or John, or of the three of them naked together on one bed, touching each other... You see, right there Rodney was having to consciously refrain from hyperventilating, and now Carson was telling him that he himself might be part of such a scenario. In fact, Carson's words would seem to indicate that the others, Radek and John and Carson, had imagined him similarly -had envisioned him actually being there and watching them, or envisioned John or Radek or Carson watching him with Radek or Carson or John...

And there he was brushing much too close to head exploding territory again, because the very idea was way too hot and at the same really just a little troubling. Troubling because could he really have sex with three other people at once? Could he be naked in bed with John and Radek as well as Carson and not die of embarrassment? Might he have... those sorts of feelings for John and Radek too, because, now that he thought of it, he might just, and didn't that make him a little weird? And didn't wanting to have sex with three other guys too make him even a little more weird? It was at this point that Rodney noticed Carson softly, and just a little worriedly, calling his name.

"Rodney? Love? Are y'all right?"

"What? Oh, sorry," he murmured. "I just... this is going to take a little while to, um, process, you know?"

"Aye, of course, love," Carson answered right away. "You must take all the time you need."

"What, like, the rest of my life?" Rodney quipped, because when you came down to it, part of him was still marveling, a year later, at Carson's devotion to him, and the idea that he might be deemed worthy of such devotion to two additional people... well it defied logic in his book, but maybe his book wasn't where the answers lay, in this case.

"For as long as that life might be," Carson said, suddenly sober, and Rodney had to kiss him then, and when they'd had enough of that there were other things... and the breakfast dishes lay as they had been left until some considerable time later.

~*****~


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney returns to the labs, and clears things up with Radek

Rodney's return to the labs that afternoon was nowhere near as pleasant as he would have liked, mostly because nearly all of his time was taken up getting briefed on the progress made by the various departments during his absence. What was worse was that a shockingly large proportion of those briefings consisted of various personnel grousing about past decisions that Radek had made which (they insisted) had not served them fairly. It was ridiculous, Rodney thought, that these people actually thought that 1) he'd be so unwise as to undermine his second in command's authority so callously and 2) that he'd actually disagree with the man on something so unimportant as administrative decisions.

Of course he and Radek went at each other regularly about important things, like physics, but about this nonsense? It left Rodney with a deep sense of astonishment at how short sighted a lot of his people were, and it also left him with a headache. When Radek himself appeared in Rodney's office, bearing coffee no less, not ten minutes after he'd harshly dismissed a pair of squabbling particle physicists for the _second_ time, Rodney had to stop himself from throwing himself at the man's feet in gratitude.

"You wouldn't, by chance, be interested in taking my job back, would you?" he asked, head resting in his hands.

"Not a chance," Radek said, setting Rodney's coffee on his desk and sitting down across from him. "Though out of sheer pity, I may be moved to be unnaturally nice to you for the next month or so."

"I figured as much," Rodney said with a sigh, deeply inhaling the aroma of his coffee for a moment before taking the first sip. "But I had to ask."

"Of course," Radek dismissed, sipping at his own coffee. "Think nothing of it." They both savored their drinks for a moment in silence, until Rodney realized that there was likely a reason that Radek was lingering.

"Ah," he said into the silence, having worked out what this reason probably was almost immediately.

Radek nodded. "Carson... happened to mention," Radek said with a slightly pained smile, "something of the conversation you had earlier today." Rodney nodded, leaving his expression as carefully neutral as he could which, to be honest, probably wasn't as neutral as he'd have liked it to be.

"I... I wanted to be sure," Radek said, looking down into his coffee at first, then, with a determined expression, glancing up to meet Rodney's gaze. "I wanted to make sure that this does not come between us, Rodney. I do not know what could be done or said now to make amends if any are needed... but whatever may be needed..."

Rodney cut him off with a shake of his head. "They aren't Radek," he reassured. "You thought I was dead, and for good reason. And you were there for Carson when he needed you, which..." Rodney pursed his lips, trying to find the words that really conveyed what he felt. "I'm incredibly grateful for, honestly."

Everything about Radek's posture relaxed, and Rodney reflected that an upside of being a really crap liar is that when you really are telling the truth, people believe you, even when they might be inclined to be skeptical.

"I am... most grateful to hear you say so," Radek relied. "We had hoped that you would be... accepting about the situation, but not everyone would be..."

"Of course, not everyone is a genius of my weight, either," Rodney said, gleefully smug as he crossed his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair. "But what I'm really curious to hear about," he continued, "is this idea you supposedly introduced while the three of you were, ah, together." Rodney sketched a vaguely circular shape in air to imply that which he was not at all ready to speak frankly about.

Radek colored furiously and stared intently down at his coffee. "Ah," he said. "Yes, Carson did mention that you had spoken of that as well..."

Rodney leaned forward on his desk, arms resting on the surface and he let his smug demeanor slip away, because he was about to ask a question he would never in a million years guess he would ever be asking anyone. "Did you..." he began, "do you... actually want a... a... some kind of... foursome... thing... with... with _me_? Did you... did you really.. I mean, did you really mean that? And was it just some... some grief thing.. or is there... do you still...? I mean, yes, I am freaking a little... okay maybe a little more than a little... but I think maybe I could get past that, eventually, and so that's why I'm asking because, really, it's not the kind of thing that usually, um, comes up, you know... in my life and I... well I'm finding it a little hard to wrap my head around?"

About the time Rodney ran out of steam he also realized that it might be a good idea to stop now and let Radek actually answer some of the questions he'd asked, so he sat back and looked up from where his fingers pulled nervously at each other on the desk top and cautiously met Radek's eyes.

For his part, Radek's expression seemed to evolve from one of abashed discomfort, to nervousness, to uneasy determination, and eventually his pale blue eyes met Rodney's directly.

"It was, at first, a... 'grief thing', as you have said," he began slowly, picking his words carefully. "But in time, we all began to see that there was more, between us, and that perhaps there always had been." Radek looked down for a moment, fiddling with his shirt cuffs, then brought his eyes up again, and Rodney could not but admire the courage he saw there.

"We spoke of you... of this... notion, only once," he continued. "It was, you will understand, somewhat painful..."

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that," Rodney said softly.

"Yes, well," a ghost of a smile moved over Radek's lips for a moment. "There was also no need, really, once we all knew how we felt, though John and I... we might have spoken of such things before," and Radek frowned as he spoke now, disapproval for his own actions clear in his expression.

"We both knew, I have little doubt, how we felt, though we never, ever spoke of it until... until the day came when we both knew, or thought we knew, that it was all too late." Radek gave a sigh of regret, and then continued. "To know John's true feelings in this matter, you will have to speak to him, but I believe that our mutual feelings... for you, were part of what brought us together. There is more as well, of course, but..." Radek opened his hands on the desk. There it was, they seemed to say.

Rodney was only aware that his mouth had fallen open after several seconds had passed, and he closed it only to open it again a moment later with the intent to speak, though no words at all would come at first.

"Radek," he said eventually. "I... I had no idea..."

"There was no reason for you to have known," Radek shrugged. "You and Carson... it was too easy for anyone to see how... devoted you were to one another. What kinds of friends would we be to intrude upon that, or interfere with it? At best, it would have endangered our friendship, at worst, destroyed both relationships, yes?"

"I... I guess..." Carson had hinted, perhaps, that something like this might have been going on, but to hear Radek speak of it so plainly was playing havoc with the very foundations of Rodney's world. It was as if Radek were telling him of the existence of some completely new sort of physics, where all the rules were different.

"In my country," Radek carried on with a chagrined smile, "we learn to take more lessons from our disasters than our triumphs, as we are having far more of the former than the latter. Once, I would have said that our choice, to keep our feelings to ourselves, to chose the safer course, was the wiser one... but I have taken a different lesson from recent events..." Radek frowned again and dropped his gaze into his coffee cup.

"Thinking we had lost you..." Radek's voice was so quiet suddenly that Rodney had to strain to hear it. "It was very hard, for many reasons... but the regret... for me, that was the worst... It cut like a knife into my heart, to think that you would never know..." His voice trailed off into silence, but the pain that he'd spoken of was clear on Radek's face, even half hidden as it was. They shared that poignant silence for a long moment and then Radek looked up, determination and a touch of fatalism making his eyes almost steely.

"I would not endure such regret again," he said. "So I will speak truth with you now. I do care for you very much, Rodney, as more than a friend, and I have for some time. I most decidedly do not mean by this that we cannot be friends. Your friendship is... it is very precious to me, and I very much hope to continue with it, but I will no longer deny the other things that I feel."

~*****~


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney and Radek take a first step

Rodney found himself assailed with a tumult of emotions, including sorrow, admiration, affection, regret, and something unspeakably huge rising in his heart, underneath all of those, that he was in no way ready to address. Still, he knew that what Radek had said had taken enormous courage and called for an equivalent response, though Rodney had no idea of where to begin.

"Radek.. I..." Rodney shook his head, trying to sort out the welter of words and feelings tumbling about in his head. "Of course, we... I... being your friend... it's always been... You know, I never used to really... before I came here, that is... It's a new thing, is what I'm trying to say, relatively, and I'm, you know, scared to death of screwing it up, because... because having real friends... like, like, um, you and... and Sheppard... even Teyla and Ronon... honestly, I had no idea... and god, Radek, it's huge, and it keeps... I don't know, getting huger, and... god... is this making any sense? I'm just... I'm just babbling like an idiot, and it's all your fault."

But Radek was smiling over his coffee cup, so that seemed to be okay, and then he said softly, "rozumim, miláčku."

"Oh yes, and speaking in a foreign language is going to help immensely," Rodney retorted crossly, flustered and embarrassed by his earlier incoherence.

"I understand, my friend," Radek said with an even wider smile, looking up to regard Rodney with open affection.

Rodney digested this, then narrowed his eyes, because his world might be disassembling and reassembling itself in front of his eyes, but he was still not stupid. "'Meelatchkoo'..." he commented thoughtfully, "that's what you call Sheppard, when your getting all... coupley. That doesn't mean 'my friend', does it?"

Even Rodney was surprised by the suddenness and intensity of Radek's blush. "You have... caught me out," he confessed, staring intently into the depths of his coffe cup once again. "It is indeed a... term of endearment. I very much hope you do not find it... troubling, as I am afraid I am likely to use it again."

"No," Rodney reassured him quickly. "No, actually, I think, um... it's kind of sweet..." and then Rodney felt a sudden heat in his own face, and dropped his gaze too his own drink. "I, ah, always thought it was sweet when you called Sheppard that, anyway, and, um... it's... I, ah... it's okay, if... if you..." He felt a warm hand take hold of his then, and he looked up, first to gaze at where their hands were joined, his own blunt fingers curling around Radek's slender ones, then to meet Radek's bespectacled eyes. The open and genuine affection Rodney saw there had a sizable lump forming in his throat, and he let his focus fall back to their hands, finding the sight comforting.

The silence they shared for the next little while was comforting as well, and Rodney was grateful for the time to sort out some of his feelings and responses to the things he had learned today. A big part of what was so discomfiting about a lot of those things were that they were things he'd actually already known, to some degree -he simply hadn't wanted to examine them too closely, nor had he connected them together into any kind of larger picture.

Certainly, he'd always known that there was something profoundly unique about the way he worked with, and relied on Radek, and some part off him had always recognized that there was a special quality to his friendship with Sheppard that he'd never wanted to dwell on before. In his defense, however, Rodney had no baseline, no statistical sampling of other like friendships in his past. He hadn't exactly been a hermit all his life, but whatever acquaintances or associations he'd had before Atlantis were so utterly incomparable to the relationships he'd formed here, it was ridiculous to imagine that he could draw conclusions from the one case and apply them to his life now.

He was breaking a trail, it seemed, though real 'terra incognito', and chance had brought him to a promontory -a viewpoint from which all the land he had recently traversed could be apprehended clearly, and he was finding that the terrain was both just as he'd expected, and entirely different, at the same time. In addition, he could now see many of the possible outcomes that lay before him, and, for the most part, the path he would have to take to get to each. It was a choice for him, and him alone to make now, however, and whatever choice he made would have a profound effect on each of those very special relationships.

"So," Rodney said after some time, still gazing with pleasure -because he loved Radek's hands- on where their two fingers lay intertwined on the desk, "tell me about how this, ah... this foursome... thing could work?"

From the corner of his eye Rodney saw Radek smile thoughtfully, not missing how Rodney had carefully phrased the question in conditional terms. He understood that to make a decision, Rodney would need data, and that was what he was asking for now. There was approval, Rodney thought, in Radek's expression as well, for it was clear that Rodney was thinking now, rather than panicking, and Rodney was rather proud of having gotten this far himself.

"It is something," Radek began after a moment of consideration, "that, honestly, all of us must think carefully about. Three of us... we have had the opportunity to learn that we three do... work... well together, but that does not mean that it will work just as well with you added, whatever we... feel about you."

"Sure," Rodney nodded, appreciating Radek's clarity, as he always did.

"That is a matter, as they say, of 'chemistry'" Radek smirked as he said this. "The... mechanics..." his smirk grew wider, "is easier than you think it would be... if the chemistry is good. To be honest, I think the only way to know this for sure is through... experimentation, but that, of course, is risky." Radek brought his other hand over to take Rodney's between both of his, and Rodney closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy the sensation, though there was a small part of him that was altogether aware that this was the first step down a slippery slope.

"Each of us must make the determination of whether the risk is worth the probable reward," Radek said seriously, "and how each of us can best mitigate those risks. Once we have all made these determinations for ourselves, we will be ready to decide."

"How...?" This was important. Rodney knew just what the risks were, and they were huge. "How do you mitigate the risks in something like this?"

Radek nodded. He liked the question, and Rodney felt encouraged to know that he did.

"Trust," Radek answered with a single word. "Each of us must first trust ourselves, which we can do when we are honest with ourselves about what we really want, and what we really feel, and then we must know that we can truly trust each other, and that others' actions, no matter how they may seem to us at a given moment, are motivated only by respect and integrity. If we can trust ourselves and each other to that degree, then we take practically no risk at all."

Rodney gave himself a moment to really consider Radek's words, and what they meant, and he could see it was a tall order, but that it also made all kinds of sense.

"I don't..." he said, frowning uncertainly. "Could I... do you think I could really do that?"

"I know you can, Rodney," Radek said with quiet earnestness.  "Though I do not say that it will be easy, either."

"No, of course not," Rodney said, meaning to sound acerbic but also sounding far more gentle than he'd expected. The silence they shared for another few moments was very warm, like Radek's hands clasped around his, and Rodney let it soak into him until he heard Rodney speak his name, almost hesitantly.

"Rodney..." he said quietly. It was going to be a request, Rodney could tell from the tone, but what? "It is not my intention to place... pressure," Radek continued, "or to push... even if it would be only once... the only time..."

Oh. And Rodney thought, _trust_ , and he said, "yeah..." leaning forward to meet Radek's lips with his own.

The kiss was almost careful, almost chaste. Their two mouths, one wide and mobile, the other quick and graceful, caressed each other gently. It was just the tip of Radek's tongue that traced the edge of Rodney's upper lip, and just the tip of Rodney's tongue that moved, likewise, over Radek's, but the soft, yearning sound that Radek made when their tongue tips met, ever so briefly, almost had Rodney undone there and then.

Radek lifted one of his hands away from Rodney's to brush his fingers over Rodney's cheek as they drew back, and Rodney felt that swelling sensation in his heart surge again, but Radek's eyes were downcast when Rodney tried to meet them.

"Thank you," Radek said softly.

Rodney blinked then, because 'thank you' was wrong. Radek didn't owe him any 'thanks'. This was no favor, it was... well he wasn't really prepared to say exactly what it was, and so what he did say was, "ah... um.... yeah,"

Was it weird that Radek, whose native language was nothing like English, understood his incoherencies so well? For the man had broken into a bright smile, the kind that made Rodney smile too, without thought, and had brought his hand back to pat Rodney's affectionately, squeezing briefly before releasing him.

"Perhaps now it is time for dinner, yes?" he asked sensibly, and Rodney could not agree more.

"Genius thinking, Radek," he quipped, still smiling.

"Of course," Radek replied as he stood, grinning over his shoulder, and the two of them walked together, shoulder to shoulder, to the mess hall.

 

~*****~


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now a conversation with John

It had been Rodney's intention to head back to his labs after dinner, to get at least a little real work done, when Sheppard button-holed him, and Rodney gave a brief sigh of exasperation as he realized that this was not to be.

Sheppard glared at him through narrowed eyes, taking obviously mock offense. "This wasn't my idea, you know," he remarked. "And if you think I find these sorts of conversations fun..."

"Yes, yes," Rodney said with a wave of his hand, falling into step beside the Colonel as they turned away from the labs and headed instead down a less used corridor, finally coming to a small, out of the way balcony. "It's a well know fact that you are _Mister_ would-rather-gnaw-my-leg-off-than-use-'I-messages'," he said, "so let's get this over with as expediently as possible, shall we?"

"I'm all for it," John said, leaning with his arms on the balcony railings, glancing over his shoulder at Rodney before letting his gaze rest on the moonlit sea.

"Cutting to the chase then," Rodney said, enumerating his points on his fingers and pacing nervously as he spoke. "This morning, Carson and I had a conversation about... certain things, and after that he talked to Radek, and then probably you." John nodded, his eyes still on the distant horizon.

"Following that, earlier this evening," Rodney continued, "I had a conversation with Radek, after which he probably had yet another talk with Carson and, I imagine, with you as well?"

"Yup," said John. Rodney rolled his eyes.

"The critical points which I need to cover with you, then," he went on, "would be that, one, I'm not mad or weirded out or anything about the fact that you and Radek had some... thing going with Carson while you all thought I was dead."

"Good to hear it," said John.

"And two," Rodney was on a roll now. "That you may have realized/discovered that you have genuine feelings for the man during that time, but that you're fine with him going back to me now."

"All true," said John.

"And three," Rodney took a deep breath here, because this one was a little more awkward to just blurt out like he'd been doing. "Three... that you've... developed, or maybe always had certain... feelings about, well, about me... but that doesn't have to change anything, and we can still be friends just like always... right?"

"Yeah..." John's answer was more thoughtful this time. "That's... that's more or less the idea..."

Rodney gave up his nervous pacing and came to lean beside John on the balcony, shoulders not quite touching. There was a faint glow on the horizon where, he realized, the second moon was just rising, and the two of them stood in silence as they watched it slowly emerge from the sea. It had become a thin, bright sliver on the horizon, painting the surface of the ocean silver, when Rodney realized that his shoulder had grown somewhat warmer. John's shoulder, he saw now, had somehow come to press against his, and Rodney knew it was no accident. John was as careful with his personal space as he was with his weapons.

In the absence of words, Rodney had come to appreciate, John Sheppard had a certain eloquence of gesture and body language, and Rodney had come to have an understanding of it, just as Radek had come to understand Rodney's occasional incoherent babbling. They understood those things, Rodney realized, because they understood each other, and recalling Radek's advice about trust, Rodney came to reflect now that it might not be so hard as he'd thought at first.

"There's just a few other, um, points..." Rodney picked up again after a while.

"Yeah," John said, his voice gone a little softer. "I figured."

"Because, you know, Carson and Radek are gonna quiz us later," Rodney pointed out. John chuckled.

"Yeah, you're probably right about that," he said with a wry smile, glancing briefly over at Rodney and in the course of doing so managed to press his body slightly closer still. Rodney got the message, loud and clear, and it helped steady him as he pressed ahead.

"So..." Rodney began, "one of the things that Radek said that I... well, it surprised me... that he said that maybe part of the reason why the two of you... why you're together... is because of me?"

"Yeah..." John said in a slow drawl, half reluctant, half nervous. "Rodney..." John turned at last to face him and Rodney immediately missed the contact, and though he could see John's face now, much of it remained in shadow.

"Okay, yes, that is true," he said finally. "But you know, we never talked about it... and what would have been the point? I'm just not the kind of guy that busts up his friends'... you know, relationships, and after... after, um..."

John trailed off there, looking down at where his hands rested on the balcony railing. "I... I couldn't... I just... I couldn't..."

The words would not come, but they weren't needed. The pain he could not speak of was written all over John's face and it was almost without thinking that Rodney reached out to lay a hand on John's shoulder, gripping it slightly to remind him of his presence.

John's gaze remained downwards, and directed away from where Rodney's hand lay, but he shifted ever so slightly, and suddenly everything about his posture, even the angle at which his head was inclined, spoke of the profoundest gratitude. Rodney understood it as clearly as if he'd been sent a bullet point memo.

"Just... don't ever do that again, okay?" John said, his words quiet, barely audible over the soft white noise of the ocean breeze through the city. "'Cause... I don't know... I don't think..." His voice choked off there, but a moment later he lifted one of his hands and laid it on his shoulder over Rodney's. He continued to stare down at the railing, as though he could not bear to see himself reach for even this simple comfort, but his fingers curled tightly around Rodney's, gripping him with desperate strength.

"Yeah..." Rodney answered him quietly, finding it suddenly very easy to reach across with his free hand and rest his fingers against John's face, lifting it so that their eyes met. John's eyes were a little too bright, and he was biting his lip the way he did when he was trying to keep something inside, and Rodney felt the impulse that had begun with his touching John's face urge him further. He drew John closer, and tilted his own head slightly so that he could touch and soothe those lips with his own, because, Rodney realized suddenly, he just couldn't watch John hurt himself, even in this small way, any more.

There was a moment of hesitation, and Rodney could feel them both teetering on the brink of something, and then John made a soft, broken sort of noise and then they both fell. Suddenly John's hands were clutching at Rodney's head, fingers pressed almost painfully into his skull and Rodney's were fisted in John's jacket, pulling him close with equally desperate strength. The kiss was almost violent, with clashing teeth and bitten lips and seemed to comprise some sort of contest to see who could devour whom first.

When they both failed to do this they fell, spent, hanging on each other and breathing heavily. John's breaths were hard and rough in Rodney's ear, and just a tad uneven, and he could feel John shaking in his arms.

"Hey," Rodney said softly, rubbing John's back and carefully keeping his face turned against his shoulder, so that John could go on pretending that Rodney didn't know he was crying. "Hey, John..."

Slowly, John relaxed into Rodney's embrace and after moment Rodney felt him lift a hand to wipe his face, still hidden from Rodney's view.

"Years," he said when he spoke at last, his voice rough and little more than a whisper. "Years I told myself I could never have this... never..."

"I know," Rodney answered, voice pitched for John's ear only. "I know," and he had, Rodney realized now. Some part of him had known nearly all along and like John, had only been able to think of reasons why it couldn't be. But it could now, it seemed, if he was willing to take the risk...

"And... and maybe you can. Maybe we all can; I just... I have to think about it, okay?"

He heard John draw a long breath and then he pulled back finally, letting Rodney see his face. He had schooled it into some semblance of it's usual cool, though his eyes were a little bright still. "Yeah, I get that," he said. "You should. And if... if it's a no go... that's okay too, Rodney." He looked up to meet Rodney's eyes directly, so that Rodney could see the determined sincerity there... and something else.

"I still got... well, a lot more than I ever thought I'd get," he said, his smile honest, but also a bit wistful, which was an odd thing to see on John's face. "Might even be considered enough for a lifetime," His gaze dropped as those last words escaped him, as if he thought he'd said too much.

Really though, Rodney reflected, how different was that from what Radek had said to him earlier? _"...even if it would be only once... the only time..."_

He blinked then, because it finally came to him, all at once, like the metaphorical ton of bricks, how much, how deeply these two men cared for him -loved him- for this was no time to mince words. Looking up at last, he saw that John was watching him, that confident way he did when he knew that Rodney was getting ready to come up with something particularly brilliant.

"I... I get it," he said eventually. "I really do, and I... I want..." but it seemed like jinxing it to say what he wanted... or what he thought he wanted, and Rodney trailed off. Still watching him, John nodded, and Rodney saw that he got it too, and so drew a breath to go on.

"I just want to do this the smart way, right? Make... make sure about... things."

"'Course," John said with a relaxed smile. "Wouldn't want it any other way." There, the laconic drawl was back, which told Rodney, as reliably as anything, that all was well. Rodney grinned briefly in response and then hooked his thumb over his shoulder, indicating the door.

"Listen," he said, knowing it was time to wrap it up. "It's getting late and Carson, you know, wants me to take it easy..." he gave this last bit air quotes and John snickered.

"Sure," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow," and he turned back to the balcony to gaze at the moons. Rodney could not but pause a moment to take in the vision of John's face bathed in moonlight, and the swelling feeling in his heart surged once again, more powerfully than ever. Love, Rodney realized, finally recognizing the feeling for what it was. He'd long ago learned to recognize the love he felt for Carson, of course, but this was magnitudes larger -almost frightening in its scope.

The image of John Sheppard's face stayed with Rodney as turned to go, as did the image of Radek's, his pale blue eyes filled with affection and yearning, and Carson's, his open face and deep blue eyes that spoke so eloquently of understanding and forgiveness. They all three loved him, which was astonishing to contemplate on its own, but now he had to consider the additional fact that he loved all of them as well.

Rodney's feet carried him to the room he shared with Carson without conscious direction, this new astounding truth overwhelming every one of his thoughts. Carson was waiting for him there, asking him something as he came in which came to Rodney only as a vague impression of concern. He thought he might have made some noise in answer, but a moment later, when he felt Carson come to sit beside him on the sofa, he turned to fold the man into his arms as though he were a sanctuary.

To be sure, Carson was a part of the new truth that had Rodney so undone, but he was also blessedly familiar, and part of the old truth, which this new truth did not necessarily supersede, was that there was no part of himself that he could not trust Carson with. Another part of that old truth was that Carson always, always knew exactly what he needed and now was no different. Carson Beckett's comforting bulk and strength anchored him, kept him from flying apart, kept him safe so he could be free to become lost in his thoughts, and find his own way out.

Safe and cherished in his lover's arms, Rodney set out to do just that, confident, as always, that he would succeed.

~*****~


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Carson John and Radek take measure of the moment.

"Rodney, love, is that you?" Carson called as he heard the door to their quarters open. He thought it was Rodney's voice that answered him, though he couldn't make out what, if anything intelligible, was said. Stepping into the front room, he saw his lover sitting on the sofa looking absolutely shattered, and a second later he was at Rodney's side. He'd no sooner sat than he found himself enclosed in Rodney's embrace and he responded in kind without thought, feeling his lover relax against him the moment his arms were around him.

It worried him at first, that Rodney remained quiet for so long, but when Carson considered what kind of day Rodney had likely had, and the kinds of things he had probably learned in his conversations with Radek and John, he saw the sense in his lover's silence. Carson didn't even know for sure that Rodney had talked to John, though he did know that Rodney hadn't gone to the labs after dinner (Carson had checked), and had to have been somewhere for the last hour. It seemed likely that he'd been with John then, and his unsettled mood now would seem to confirm it.

Though he had no way of knowing what had been said in this hypothetical conversation, Carson had heard back from Radek a little of what he and Rodney had discussed. Radek himself seemed to have a positive feeling about how things had gone, and Carson took some encouragement from that, but he also knew that it would be a lot for Rodney to take in. In the early days of their relationship Carson had learned that Rodney wasn't at all used to people really caring for him, and it had taken him months, possibly longer, to become comfortable with the idea.

Today Rodney would have learned that two more people cared for him very much indeed, and while many people would see this only as a good thing, Carson knew that his lover would see it at first as a tremendous burden of expectations, and as representing new opportunities to be hurt and used. These were the lessons that Rodney had taken from his former life and one of the things Carson had needed to learn back in those first days was that wishing retroactive ill on those who had taught Rodney McKay those lessons was pointless and unproductive. The past was the past, and if Rodney had learned to trust him, it was because he could be with him in the present, and give him what he needed now.

What Rodney seemed to need now was just to be held, and Carson had always found that closing Rodney in the protective circle of his arms was as easy for him as breathing. Still, Rodney was seldom so silent for so long, and the fact that he had not said one intelligible word since he'd come home was bothering Carson just a bit, and finally he found it necessary to pry.

"Did you talk to John, love?" he asked softly. Rodney nodded against Carson's chest, and Carson stroked his fingers gently through Rodney's hair.

"Was it all right, then?" he pressed further, and Rodney nodded once again. There was no mistaking the signals Rodney was sending, but Carson just had to check in. It wasn't in him not to.

"Can you tell me what you need now love?" he asked, wanting to be sure, and wanting Rodney to know that he wanted to be sure.

"To not talk?" Rodney answered, with just a trace of snark, so that Carson knew everything really was okay.

"Aye, alright," he said with a smile, bending his head to kiss Rodney's face. Rodney reached up to run his fingers through Carson's hair by way of a reply and Carson knew it for a testament of the deepest affection. All was well between them, it seemed, and he could give Rodney the time and support he needed to sort everything else out.

 

In retrospect, it should not have been so surprising that Rodney had needed some days to come to terms with all that he had learned, but what Carson (and Radek and John) found unsettling was how quiet Rodney had become as he did that. It was downright unnatural for Rodney to pass an entire meal without once talking with his mouth full, and when several meals in a row actually passed in this manner, Carson could not help but begin to worry.

It was no surprise that John and Radek noticed that worry as the three of them met for lunch a few days later, on a semi-secluded balcony not far from the mess hall.

"He is only thinking, Carson," Radek tried to reassure him. "I have seen him get this way before, when some new theorem or proof comes to him. He will be back with us once he has figured it out."

"Aye, but have you ever seen it last for three days before?" Carson asked, unconvinced.

"This is pretty big, Carson," Sheppard offered. "And it's not the kind of problem he's used to tackling. Give him some time and it'll be fine."

"I'm thinking maybe it's too big," Carson murmured over the soup he had no appetite for. "He'll no want to have anything to do with any of us once he's finally sorted it all out."

"Truly, Carson," Radek reached a hand across the table to touch Carson's. "I do not think that is how it will go. When we spoke... it seems to me that he cares for all of us."

Sheppard nodded. "He almost came right out and said he wanted... you know, when we talked," he said. "He just wants to be careful."

"I don't know loves," Carson said, shaking his head. "It seems to me I might do well to be asking, if Rodney decides that he's done with the lot of us, whether... whether the two of you'd have me back...?"

"Of course," Sheppard answered automatically, even as Radek spoke at the same time.

"This he will _not_ do," Radek insisted. "I am certain of it. In all the time I have known him, Carson, I have never known Rodney to be devoted to anything but physics... until he met you. You are everything to him, miláčku, and that has not changed, I promise. But Carson, whatever else happens, you will _always_ be welcome with us, never doubt it."

"He's not gonna bail," Sheppard put in now, pushing his empty lunch tray back. "I'm not saying I know the man better than you do, but I've seen him at crunch time more than you maybe have. And I'll admit, it still sometimes freaks me out because half the time he looks like he's just about to lose it completely,and then, _bam_ , a second later he's got it all figured. It's just part of the roller coaster ride that is life with Rodney McKay."

Carson could not help but chuckle at that, because John had it right, that was for sure. He sobered quickly though, because even at his most optimistic, Carson found it quite unlikely that Rodney would go for the foursome idea, and that meant that his time with Radek and John as partners was over. Though it had begun out of grief and sorrow, their unique relationship had become rather precious to Carson, and he suspected that the others felt the same.

"If you're right," he said at last, "then it will likely mean an end for the three of us."

"Hey, we'll still be around," John said with a shrug. "And it's not like there's a time limit on the offer."

"And there never will be," said Radek, wiping his mouth as he finished his own lunch and dropping his napkin on the table. "And even if all he wants to begin with is return to... status quo, I think John has heard it right. I think Rodney may truly want this... us, and in time he may feel brave enough to try. Somehow," Radek finished with thoughtful conviction as he pushed back from the table, "I do not think that this is the end for us."

John nodded. "You know, he's actually kinda smart," he stage whispered to Carson, thumbing over his shoulder in Radek's direction. "You might wanna listen to him."

"Ye've figured that out now, have ye?" Carson smirked, his heart full of love for both these men, and full of hope that they could indeed be lovers again.

"He learns," Radek said with proprietary smile, standing close beside John and wrapping an arm around his waist. "And he is not so stupid either."

John beamed, briefly, then caught Carson's eye in a penetrating gaze, seeing the anxiety that still dwelt there, playing havoc with his hope. He reached out to catch one of Carson's hands, pulling him around the table so that he stood closer -close enough to draw into an affectionate kiss.

Carson answered with heartfelt gratitude, remembering how well he and John had fit together, how comfortable and companionable he'd been as a lover. A moment later there were Radek's fingers on his face as well, and he felt John draw back so that Carson could tip his head down to meet Radek's mouth with his own. Radek's kiss reminded Carson of all the devoted affection Radek bestowed upon him, as if such devotion came naturally to the man, and perhaps it did. There was an effortlessness to Radek's gentle attentions which Carson sensed even now and he raised his own hand to run fingers over Radek's straying locks, smiling into the kiss and feeling Radek smile in turn.

"This is not the last," he promised with quiet intensity as they parted. "But it will sustain you until the next, yes?"

"Aye," Carson said softly, then swallowing as he said, "You know I love ye both..."

"'Course," said John, squeezing the hand he had held all along before releasing it at last.

Carson felt the warmth linger, on his hand, on his mouth, and in his heart. Radek was wise, he reflected, and John an insightful strategist. Carson knew he trusted them both, but could he hold onto any measure of their faiths? Leaving the balcony that afternoon, Carson swore he would try, with all his heart.

~*****~


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney makes his decision

That was, of course, rather easier said than done, especially when he saw Rodney, seeming so lost within himself, on a daily basis. For Carson, the strangest, most troubling thing wasn't just how withdrawn Rodney had become over the last week, but how, whenever they made love, or spent 'quality time', alone together, Rodney suddenly became the most devoted, attentive partner Carson had ever known.

It wasn't that Rodney was neglecting himself, either. He seemed to understand how important it was to Carson that his lover take as much pleasure in lovemaking as he did. Rodney had never before been quite so... attentive, however, in other things besides sex too. If Carson made a dinner for them, he never came late, didn't spend any part of the meal ranting about how stupid one of his underlings had been, sincerely complimented Carson on not just the food, but the overall setting, and cleared and washed the dishes without being asked. He wasn't quite obsequious -that would have had Carson whisking Rodney off to the infirmary to look for signs of alien influence- but he was attentive to Carson's needs to a degree that many people would have doubted Rodney McKay to be capable of.

As flattered and honestly touched by all of this as Carson was, he had to admit that he was still feeling a bit rattled by recent events, and perhaps that was why some part of his mind just had to put the worst possible spin on it. Rodney must be planning to leave him, it concluded, and this was just his way of trying to soften the blow. The more time went on, the surer Carson was that this was the true explanation for Rodney's behavior. The surer Carson was that he was soon to lose Rodney, the harder it became for him to hide his anxiety from his so very attentive lover, and sure enough, Rodney finally brought it up as they were sitting on the sofa together one evening, watching the credits roll on an episode of "Blackadder Goes Forth".

The self possession to bring the subject up was unusual for Rodney; the bluntness wasn't. "I wish you'd just tell me what's worrying you, Carson," he said without preamble, setting the laptop they'd been watching aside and reaching over to pick up one of Carson's hands.

Carson frowned for a long moment, torn between not wanting to know and wishing to get it all over with. "I... I know you've had a lot to take in lately," he said at last. "And I know we've told you to take your time, but... ye've been so terribly quiet lately, and so... so careful with me... I can't help thinking that you're getting ready to... to do something hard..."

Rodney's brow furrowed, and he gazed hard at the hand he held between his two, as though it were some sort of oracle. Even with his gaze directed so steadfastly downwards, Carson could see the light of understanding dawn on Rodney's face, and it wasn't a happy realization.

"Wait..." Rodney looked up suddenly, releasing Carson's hand to take both his shoulders in an urgent grip. "Wait... you can't possibly be thinking... oh my god you are! You think I'm planning on leaving, don't you? For god's sake, Carson, why would I do that? You... you are without question the absolutely best thing that's ever happened to me in my life, and... and what... you think it makes any difference to me that you slept with my two best friends while you thought I was dead? I'll freely admit to the whole 'bad with people' thing sure, but I'd have to be brain damaged, and I mean _badly_ brain damaged to care about something like that..."

The strident verbal barrage fell on Carson's ears like cool water on parched skin. This was not the carefully attentive Rodney of the last week -who had been nice enough, to be sure- but not the Rodney that Carson Beckett had first fallen in love with. Now, this man here, belligerent even in his affection, acerbic, even in his declaration of love, outraged, even at his most tender -this was the object of Carson's profoundest devotion, and he leaned forward to gather him into his arms. He felt badly about troubling his lover with so many tears lately, but he supposed that Rodney must be used to it by now and so let them fall once again. Rodney, of course, had not yet fallen silent, though his arms had lifted to enclose Carson, and now moved in soothing circles over his shoulders.

"I guess I probably should have explained to you what I was doing," Rodney continued, his voice having gentled somewhat, but not all that much. "I mean, in retrospect I can see how commenting on how extra nice I was being might make it sound like you think that I'm not always nice, which, as we both know, I'm not, so I really wouldn't have minded, but then how could you know that? Honestly, Carson, I was just trying to... to make it up to you for how bad it sucked when you thought I was dead, by being more, um, 'there for you' than I usually am, which, admittedly, is a bit out of character for me, and combined with my, ah, particularly thoughtful mood lately, I can see how you might have drawn a different conclusion than I meant for you to draw... leading me back to how I probably should have explained..."

"It is all right love," Carson finally interjected. "It truly is. I know it was a foolish worry from the start, and Radek and John both tried to tell me so. I should have had more faith." With gratitude, Carson saw that his bout of tears had been a brief one, and he drew back now, to meet Rodney's open, blue eyes with his own.

"But you worry," Rodney said sadly. "I know you do. And you've just had a pretty crappy couple of months. I know that too. I just should have..."

Now Carson cut him off, lifting a hand to Rodney's face to still him. "Ye've given me a wonderful gift, love," he said. "And even if I was a wee bit more worried than I need have been, I wasn't too worried to enjoy it. Thank you."

The kiss that followed came so naturally that neither could have said who had begun it. Bringing their mouths together then was like drawing a breath, Carson thought, and tasting Rodney, immersing himself in the warm, moist textures of Rodney's lips and tongue, was like letting it out. The gathering cloud of anxiety that had smothered him for days vanished like the fog on the highlands when the sun breaks through on a fair spring day, and Carson felt his heart lift with joy.

The whole kiss turned joyful then, and playful, devolving into nips and wet, messy licks on the nose and finally breaking part with soft laughter. Rodney's laughter died off a bit quickly, though, and Carson looked up to see him draw a steadying breath. There was some further announcement coming, that was clear, but there was nothing troubling the brightness of those blue eyes. There was, instead, a sort of nervous jubilation lingering just under the surface of Rodney's expression, and Carson thought to himself, no, it can't be...

"So, um," Rodney began. "Speaking of, ah, John and Radek..."

"Aye...?" Carson hardly dared breath.

"I, ah," Rodney swallowed nervously. "I think, um, that is... I... I want... to, to try, you know... with, with..." Rodney gestured vaguely, "with, um, all of us..." He drew a shaky breath and looked up then, the slant of his mouth clearly expressing the mixture of hope and trepidation he was feeling.

Drawing a breath filled with wonderment, Carson took Rodney's face between his hands and gazed at him with unabashed admiration. "I won't ask if you're sure," he said, smiling with understanding.

"That's probably just as well," Rodney said with a shaky laugh. "I mean, the whole last week I... I've been trying to do a risk/benefits analysis..."

Carson tried and failed to stifle a laugh, and was prepared to feel bad about it until he saw Rodney's self effacing smile. "Yeah, unsurprisingly, that didn't actually result in any useful data at all," Rodney said, a little abashed. "And the only conclusion I can draw is that I can't really know anything until we, ah, just try it... which would be incredibly bad and risky science, but..." Rodney gave a small, resigned sigh, "that's not what this is, is it?"

"No," Carson said with affection. "That it's not, but I do think you've been getting a better feel for it lately."

Rodney nodded, frowning a bit as he pondered. "There was something Radek said a few days ago," he continued after a moment, "about how if we... if we trust each other, there could be less risk of things... things going wrong... and I can't help thinking about how really, really wrong this could go..."

"Aye, they could," Carson answered seriously, "but I'd agree with Radek. It's trust that'll keep things from going wrong, and I do know that's no easy thing for you, love. It moves me more than I can say to see you being so brave."

Rodney gave a hopeful smile in return. "You're right," he said in a quiet voice. "Trusting anyone... it's not exactly been easy for me, but you..." Rodney looked up now, his ordinarily expressive face even more open and vulnerable than Carson had ever seen it. "You showed me that I could... that it could be safe..." Rodney swallowed and looked down again and Carson was powerless to stop himself from pulling the man into a bone crushing hug.

Rodney's embrace was no less forceful, and it was a minute or so before they felt each other relax and knew to draw back just enough so that they could gaze into each other's eyes. "Ye do know," Carson said when he was sure his voice would be steady, "that you can trust John and Radek, aye?"

"Yeah, I do," Rodney said softly, giving an almost shy smile. "And I've been reminding myself that the, ah, benefits side of the equation could be, um, pretty hot." Rodney's smile began to grow into a real grin, and Carson felt one of his own answer it.

"Aye, ye're likely right about that," he said, letting himself speculate as to what Rodney might be imagining.

"We, um..." Rodney began, looking down at where he had taken one of Carson's hands into his own and was stroking it gently with the other. "We kissed... both of us, I mean... me and Radek and then me and John, and it was... it was..." Rodney shook his head and then looked up at Carson, his eyes alight with the passion and desire that the memories clearly invoked. Seeing that, and imagining what those kisses must have been like, Carson felt a warmth grow in him and he reached up to trace with his fingers the lips that his other lovers had kissed.

"Tell me how it was," he said, letting all the growing heat he felt seep into his voice, "to kiss Radek. How did it feel?"

Rodney gazed down, rapt, at the fingers caressing his face, his jaw, his neck. "He... it was..." he said, and then he laughed a little. "It was like kissing a brilliant engineer."

"How's that?" Carson chuckled, grinning as he leaned forward to nuzzle at the spot just below Rodney's ear.

"It... every detail was perfect," Rodney answered finally, clearly enjoying Carson's attentions. "It was elegant... intricate... nothing wasted, nothing left out. It was like Radek."

"Aye..." Carson murmured from the base of Rodney's throat. "I can just imagine it," and he did and the images that he conjured forth fed the growing arousal in him. "Now tell me how it was with John..."

He could feel Rodney draw a breath as he considered his answer, and could not help reflecting on just how miraculous that breath was. "Kissing John..." Rodney began, "was like... like something barely under control, something that could completely blow up in your face if you made the wrong move except that I knew it wouldn't... he wouldn't." Rodney leaned into Carson then, letting his head fall against Carson's chest. "It was like stepping through the gate to Pegasus for the fist time... or like flying."

"Aye," said Carson, walking through his own memories now as he rested head on Rodney's. "That sounds about right..."

"You though," Rodney continued, answering a question Carson hadn't asked. "Kissing you is like... being in the safest place you could possibly imagine... and maybe that doesn't sound like much of a turn-on, but it is, for me. For me, being safe means... it's like I'm really free, like I'm usually not. I don't have to watch my back or worry that something I do or say is going to be used against me... I mean, I don't even have to worry that I'm going to fuck myself up, which, as you know, I've been known to do."

Rodney tilted his head up so that he could meet Carson's gaze once again. "I mean, think about it," he continued. "You actually keep me safe from _myself_. That's like, a task of virtually herculean proportions, Carson -don't think I haven't noticed that."

"It is nice to know that my efforts haven't gone unnoticed," Carson said with a appreciative grin.

"God, no," answered Rodney, his hands lifting now to caress the side of Carson's face. "When I'm with you, Carson, when I feel that safe... it's like I'm free... to be who I really am, to feel what I really feel..." Rodney's hands guided Carson's face closer, and he complied with joy, though Rodney paused a moment before there lips touched to speak once again.

"It's like freedom, Carson," he said, his eyes so open and blue that Carson's breath caught in his throat. "Kissing you is like freedom."

After that there was no keeping them apart.

Later, Carson would ask himself how he would describe Rodney's kisses, and all he could ever come up with was that Rodney was like a force of nature. Like the very forces and principles he devoted his life to, there always seemed to be something vast and incredibly powerful behind Rodney's kisses, constrained only by the equally powerful laws and principles that kept planets in their orbits and suns from going nova. Though he would never dare say so, part of Carson had always felt that being kissed by Rodney was like being noticed by a god, in being both just a tad frightening, and incredibly flattering, all at the same time.

Certainly, though Carson would never, ever dare say this aloud, Rodney seemed to have the resurrection thing down pat, not that he'd want to see him do it again any time soon. That was what was uppermost in Carson's mind that evening as they made their way, shedding clothing as they went, from the sofa to the bed. Though they'd made love a number of times since Rodney's return from the drowned city, this was the first time that it felt to Carson like he had the old Rodney back -fussy, awkward, voluble and just a bit domineering. He wasn't the most perfectly conscientious lover, but Carson had had that for the last week, and now he just wanted Rodney, and so couldn't have been happier.

He fell asleep in Rodney's proprietary embrace with nothing but joy in his heart, and it was still there, along with Rodney's heavy and over-warm body, when he woke the next morning. There was some anticipatory joy there as well as they got to determining the specifics of how they would arrange their first night as a foursome together, and Carson was hard pressed to stop himself from repeatedly coming around the breakfast table to kiss Rodney, every time he gave that little nervously excited grin. Rodney grinned as they planned what day would be best, and what time, and he grinned as they figured out a menu for the dinner they would begin with.

Rodney's expression slipped a bit more over onto the just plain nervous side as they settled on who would talk to who by way of making invitations. I made the most sense that Rodney would have the best opportunity to catch Radek alone in the labs some evening, and that Carson could easily call John aside for a private chat without raising any suspicions, but Rodney was naturally feeling a bit of trepidation about bringing the subject up himself.

"It's just Radek, love," Carson said as they prepared to part company that morning. "And ye'll only be telling him the best news of his life. It won't matter if you get tongue tied, as he'll be sure to figure it out anyhow."

"Well that's certainly true," Rodney considered, his posture relaxing noticeably as he did. "Hell, he'll probably 'vibe' it off me the second we're alone together. It's sometimes almost scary how he can do that."

"Oh, I think it's quite lovely," Carson said with a mischievous grin. "And just think how handy that will be when we get to have our night together."

"Okay, leaving now," Rodney announced, opening the door. "Before my mind is filled with way too many workplace inappropriate thoughts. This city needs my full concentration if it wants to keep floating, as I'm sure you'll agree, Carson."

"Of course, love," Carson said, smiling into his parting kiss. He was feeling fairly grateful himself, that his staff were so understanding, because Carson was fairly sure, as he slipped on his lab coat and headed out, that this stupid grin was going to be a fixture on his face for very much of the day, and, depending on how things went in a few days, possibly the rest of the week.

~*****~


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling Radek and John.

At last, the old irascible, motor mouthed, arrogant and opinionated Rodney was back, and Radek couldn't have been happier. He'd reappeared yesterday morning and proceeded to light several fires under a number of insufficiently motivated asses, and the sudden surge of results had Radek thoroughly occupied for the next twenty four hours. He was, without a doubt, very happy indeed to be so occupied, but then there was also the matter of the sidelong glances that Rodney had been throwing his way since yesterday, which had Radek very much wishing that his workload would diminish considerably and that everyone would decide to leave the labs early for the evening. Tonight, at last, it looked like he was going to get his wish.

It was quite possible, Radek reflected, that their desire to have the labs to themselves for the evening might have telegraphed itself to the other scientists there, for Miko had certainly given them both very penetrating looks as she'd exited just now, but that was nothing that Radek cared to concern himself with at the moment. What was important now was that the lab was empty save for the two of them, and that Rodney was not very surreptitiously looking at him over the top of his laptop screen and biting his lip.... but not saying anything.

Radek supposed that he only had himself to blame if Rodney too often expected him to read his mind, and today Radek had a sneaking suspicion that he would not be the least bit sorry if he did the work of raising the topic that Rodney was evidently reluctant to raise. From the fleetingly shy smile he had seen Rodney try to hide several times over the last couple of days, Radek had a feeling that it would be good news. Still, if Rodney was going to make him do the work of raising the subject, there was no need for him to be solicitous about it.

"Alright, McKay," he said after the silence between them has stretched far enough. "Out with it. You have clearly been sitting on something you want to say to me since yesterday, and it is a surprise to me you haven't blown anything up, you've been so distracted." It wasn't, really, but Radek figured that a little low key abuse would put Rodney more at ease.

"I have not...!" Rodney protested, and then saw Radek's unconcealed grin. "Oh, very funny. I was just, um, waiting for the right moment to let you know that I, ah, that is we, Carson and I, would like to invite you, that is you and Sheppard, to, ah, dinner... on Friday."

"Friday?" Radek really did have to review his schedule in his mind, because it was often quite full, but this Friday... "Three nights from now?" he checked, and Rodney nodded. "I think I do have that evening free. What time do you want us to come?"

"We, ah," Rodney answered. "We thought maybe six thirty, to start and then, um... if you were both able to stay... a little late... or maybe a lot late..."

Radek's felt his eyes widen with astonishment, because he had hoped, of course, but he hadn't really expected... "Fakt!?" he exclaimed.

"Ah, yes," said Rodney with a pleased smirk, because this was one of Radek's frequent exclamations that he'd come to know. "Yes, really."

It was without thought that Radek dropped his stylus, saved his work, and strode over to where Rodney stood, pushing the other man's laptop out of the way. "Mužu?" he asked, laying both his hands over Rodney's shoulders.

"Um," said Rodney intelligently, because he probably didn't know that one, but he could surely figure it out... "Sure?" he tried after moment, and after all Rodney really wasn't stupid, and he was proving that point further by lowering his head to meet Radek's and then they were kissing and there was not a trace of hesitancy at all.

This was what Radek had always dreamed of, to finally be the sole focus of Rodney's undivided attention, and to know that Rodney was finally his to taste, to explore, to touch, to hold... Radek had known, even though he had said he would be content if it was the only one, that his one kiss with Rodney would leave him hungry for more, and he was, almost unbearably so. Now, feeling Rodney's hands roam his face, his fingers combing through his hair, his whole body pressing close to his, Radek began to wonder it it hadn't left Rodney with a similar yearning.

They both seemed to be trying to quench an insatiable hunger now, mouths open and devouring, tongues tangling, lips sliding against one another, Radek's breaths becoming Rodney's and vice verse. Eventually, their shared breath came to be sapped of the better portion of its oxygen and they had to draw back, panting just a bit, their eyes locked on one another's in dazed and happy astonishment.

"Holy shit," said Rodney eloquently, and Radek burst out laughing so hard he almost pissed himself.

"But this is serious," Rodney said later, after he had sat down with Radek on a nearby bench and handed him tissues to wipe his eyes with when he recovered. "How am I supposed to get anything done between now and Friday?" he complained.

"We could do this some more, any time you like," Radek offered, cupping Rodney's cheek. "Though it may not really serve to improve your concentration, I suppose."

"You're probably right about that," Rodney said, leaning into Radek's hand rather than pulling away. "But I, um... wouldn't mind doing this some more anyway. Just... just promise me we're not going to end up doing the nasty on the lab floor."

Radek smiled and kissed Rodney's nose. "I do have some self control," he said. "There will be no nasty doings on lab floor... not tonight anyway."

"Fair enough," murmured Rodney, going in for another kiss before the words were entirely out of his mouth.

They kept it up for about an hour, at the end of which they both decided that whatever happened next must happen in a bed -whether it was sex or sleep- and that for now they had separate beds to go to. John was waiting up for him when Radek returned to his own quarters, lips bruised and hair looking even more mussed than usual, and for a moment Radek felt a bit awkward, as though he might have committed some minor faux pas, like eating before the hostess at some fancy dinner. John, however, only took one look at him and broke out in a knowing grin.

"So I see I don't have to ask you if you got the invitation to Carson and Rodney's for dinner on Friday," he said, eyes sparkling as he gave 'dinner' air quotes.

"You would indeed be correct in that assumption," Radek said with a smile that was only a little sheepish. He stepped forward to be welcomed into John's arms, laying his head over his lover's heart, thinking he could somehow hear the joy in every beat. "I do not think I have ever had a greater, or a happier surprise," he said, looking up to meet John's eyes. "Carson told you then?" Radek asked.

"Yeah," said John, kissing Radek's hair casually. "He found me on my own in the armory earlier this afternoon... and I swear I almost knew what he was going to say when he came in, he looked so excited... in a good way, you know." Radek nodded. "But I could hardly believe it. Even when he said the words..." John shook his head, pulling Radek over with him to sit on the sofa.

Radek was still half hard from the past hour he'd spent with Rodney, and he knew he'd do something about that shortly, but for now all he wanted to do was sit and hold John and feel the astonishingly intense anticipatory joy that vibrated between them. John seemed content to do the same, but Radek could sense that the man was a bit dazed by it all.

"Tell me," John said at last, "tell me this isn't too good to be true."

"To neni," Radek said softly, reaching up to touch John's cheek. "It isn't, miláčku. If you have ever known terrible suffering or sorrow in your life, then you must know it is possible to have equally profound joy come to you. It is, you know," Radek smirked, "a matter of probability."

John laughed softly into Radek's hair. "Well by that theory," he said, the doubt clear in his voice, "then I've good a really big pile of good stuff coming my way at some point."

"You think you don't?" Radek asked. "I am quite sure it is otherwise. For instance," he said, pushing himself up a little from the sofa, "I have it on good authority that something very pleasant will come to you the minute you step into the shower with me."

"Good authority, eh?" John asked, moving to follow Radek nonetheless. "You know, I've never been terribly good with authority..."

"And yet you never fail to please this one," Radek said, grinning as he pulled his shirt off.

John came to stand behind him then, one arm wrapping around his furry torso, while the other reached down to fondle the evidence of his time with Rodney. "Damn, you are a horny little bastard, Zelenka," he murmured, nibbling at Radek's ear.

"Please not to cast aspersions on mother," Radek said, pushing John's hand away from his groin so that he could unfasten his trousers. "And please to remove clothes. Horny little bastard is also impatient."

"No kidding," said John with a laugh, and got with the program.

 

Later, Radek would remind him that he had been right in predicting that something nice was shortly coming to John, and John had agreed, not at all reluctantly. "Okay, alright," he'd said to the ceiling, and Radek could see that it was the endorphins talking to some extent, but John needed to listen to his endorphins from time to time, Radek thought. "Maybe I am due for a lot of hot geek foursome sex, but that does raise another question."

"Cože?" Radek mumbled, still pretty high himself.

"Am I the one who's going to be left," he asked, "with the job of trying to sort out the puddle of melted scientist brains that's left on the bedroom floor, afterward?"

Radek had no answer for this, and so only rolled over, snuggling closer to John as he sleepily murmured, "Samozřejmě."

He was already half asleep when he heard John's confused, "What?" and he left the question unanswered, letting sleep take him and knowing only perfect content.

 

~*****~


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner preparations and anticipations.

They were both fussing -Carson because he wanted every part of their dinner to be perfect, and Rodney because he was increasingly convinced, with every passing minute, that some wretched crisis was certain to arise and prevent their planned dinner and... other things, altogether. Rodney had history on his side, he knew, but Carson would not hear of it, insisting that talking about it would 'jinx' their evening. And Carson insisted that he was no Voodoo practitioner, Rodney thought, rolling his eyes.

What Rodney kept to himself was the almost giddy sense of anticipation he felt, in part because whenever he tried to imagine words for these feelings, they always seemed like the lyrics of some awful romantic pop song, and in part because he was more like Carson than he would admit, but in the opposite way. Some part of Rodney was convinced that if he would ever admit aloud to the happy anticipation he felt, then the universe would find a way to snatch it from him.

There was nothing logical about this, Rodney knew, but rather it sprang from lessons that he had learned early in life -lessons of the sort that Carson kept trying to get him to unlearn. Well, Rodney thought, watching Carson as he stood beside their beautifully set table, nervously picking up the lighter and then putting it down again, if this evening came off with even limited success, that would go a long way toward putting that lesson to rest.

They'd all agreed that John and Radek should arrive at six thirty, so of course here they were, everything ready and the table laid, at six fifteen. Rodney could see that Carson _wanted_ to light the candles, but also knew that if he did they'd have been burning and dripping for fifteen minutes by the time their guests arrived, which he didn't want. Carson put the lighter down for a third time and then walked away from the table.

Rodney looked at his watch. It was six eighteen.

"Bloody hell," Carson grumbled. "Do ye think maybe they're ready now? I could radio them and ask?"

"Sure, why not," Rodney said dismissively. Anything to make the time pass, even if they weren't ready. Carson went to pick up his radio earpiece from the coffee table and was just slipping it on when it pinged. Rodney heard it too and thought, aha, see? This will be some medical emergency and... But Carson was giving a relived grin.

"You might as well come in then, lads," Carson was saying with a laugh and a moment later the door opened and in came John and Radek, looking a touch sheepish... and positively edible.

Living day in and day out in some sort of uniform, Rodney reflected, really skewed one's fashion sense, for even the simplest civilian clothes now seemed to count as 'special occasion wear'. John's black denims were on the new side, and therefore very dark still and nice looking, likewise the black velour pull-over he was wearing. It was nothing really fancy, and yet at the same time, disarmingly elegant and compelling.

Radek was looking as 'unfrumpy' as Rodney had ever seen him, wearing grey slacks and a rust colored cable-knit sweater he knew Radek's sister had made for him, but which he had never seen Radek wear. The color seemed to bring out everything Rodney found attractive in the man, from his sparkling, ice blue eyes to his lithe and compact body, and Rodney was struck again by the reality that he was going to have both these beautiful men in his bed, along with Carson, this very evening. It was just a bit staggering.

"We, ah," said John, shrugging with his hands in his pockets, "we didn't want to be late."

"So instead we were early," Radek contributed, setting two bottles of wine and a large, decidedly European looking chocolate bar down on the table. "I hope it is not an imposition."

"Well, as you can see," Carson replied, gesturing to indicate the spotless apartment and laid table, "we've done much the same." He gave a little nervous chuckle. "Overall I'd say it bodes well. At least, we all seem to be on the same page."

That got small self conscious smiles from everyone, but they remained standing for a long, awkward and uncertain moment, until Rodney saw Carson and Radek's eyes meet, and they moved toward each other.

"You told me, the last time we were together," Carson said, shaking his head, "that it wasn't to be the last... and I did want to believe you..."

"And see?" Radek answered, smiling warmly as he took Carson's hand and drew him even closer. "You have not placed your faith unwisely."

Rodney knew they were going to kiss then, and he fell rapt, wondering how it would be to see his lover kiss another man, wondering what he would feel. Enthralled, he watched as Radek's head tilted up, Carson's down, as their arms came to enclose the other, and their lips met, mouths opening as they did. My god, Carson was beautiful when he was kissing -that was Rodney's first thought and with it came a flush of warmth, containing both affection and desire.

Carson's eyes were closed as his mouth moved over Radek's, and his expression was almost heartbreakingly tender. By contrast, Radek's bright eyes danced as he tasted Rodney's lover, and Rodney could see his lips move in a smile as he kissed. Even as he watch those lips caressing Carson's, Rodney found himself remembering the feel of Radek's lips against his own, and now he could match what he was seeing with those memories and know that yes, this was what Radek looked like when he kissed him, too.

Nowhere in these happy, desirous thoughts, Rodney realized, was their a trace of resentment or jealousy, and the reason why was even more earth shaking. He loved them both, equally, and seeing them both enjoying each other like this... was the hottest thing Rodney had seen since... since ever.

There came a familiar warmth at his shoulder then, and he turned to find that John had come over to stand beside him, hands still in his pockets as if he was too relaxed to do anything else with them. His eyes belied his deliberate posture, though, for they leapt back and forth between the delightful scene before them and Rodney's own face, and there was both desire and adoration visible in his gaze.

"Pretty cool, huh?" he asked in a veritable parody of his usual feigned casualness, for the dopily happy grin that broke out on his face as he spoke contained not a trace of artifice.

"Oh hell yes," Rodney replied, and without thinking found himself seizing John to pull him into a wildly enthusiastic kiss. Feeling John answer with equal ardour, Rodney found his last particle of doubt vaporized. Even if some typical crisis intruded now, Rodney realized, he had all his answers. They were right; they could do this. Against all odds, the four of them fit together like the pieces of a puzzle, like some unifying theory.

For a little over a year now, Rodney had come to realize that Carson was his world... and now his world had expanded, not four fold, but four factorial. For one brief, passing moment, Rodney reflected that not even winning the Nobel prize would possibly feel so good.

A small sound -a Carson sound- drew Rodney's attention away from the delightful wet heat of John's mouth, and the two of them pulled back to see that they were being watched... and apparently enjoyed.

"Dear lord," said Carson a little breathily, and Radek laughed.

"Yes you are quite pleasant to watch," he said with a smile. "But I can only watch for so long, yes?" He reached out for Rodney then, and pulled him in for a desirous kiss, and out of the corner of his eye Rodney saw John and Carson do likewise.

Rodney was torn then, for he loved kissing Radek and it seemed wrong to divide his attention when he was engaged so pleasurably. But Carson and John...together... Radek's lips moved over his face to murmur in his ear. "They are too beautiful to keep your eyes away, že? But you can do more than watch, if you wish, miláčku."

They were still standing quite close, so that when Radek lifted his hand he was easily able to touch John's face, tracing the edge of an ear, and ruffling through his artfully tousled hair. Lips against Radek's forehead, eyes glued on where John and Carson continued to taste each other, Rodney reached out almost blindly toward where he thought Carson was, and found Carson's hand reaching back towards him. Their hands caught at each other, drawing them all closer, until everything, on everyone, was in easy reach.

There were lips on his throat, though Rodney wasn't sure they were Radek's, and hands caressing their way over his side, that might or might not have been Carson's, and more hands in his hair... and lips moving over his ear... And it didn't matter whose, because they were all... they were all his lovers, weren't they? Now Rodney could turn his head and kiss one lover's face, lift his hands and caress another's body, press his own close to feel the others' pressing close to his. They were all his, and he was all of theirs.

~*****~


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meal (among other things) is enjoyed.

If all that closeness and kissing and touching hadn't already made Rodney hard, that last realization most certainly would have. He felt the desire rising in him, beginning to block out every other consideration in his formidable mind -in spite of the fact that there was something else struggling manfully to assert itself over that rising tide of desire- and then, amidst the sounds of soft sighs and skin moving on skin, another sound intruded.

Gradually, Carson, Radek and John all drew back to gaze at Rodney with affectionate amusement, or rather, not so much at Rodney, but at the author of the dissonant noise -Rodney's stomach.

"Um... probably a good idea to, ah, fuel up, before any prolonged physical activity, right?" he offered hopefully.

"Brilliant again, as usual," John said with a grin, and Radek nodded, attempting to restore something like order to his now badly mussed hair.

"And we really do have a nice dinner prepared," Carson, who had done most of the cooking, pointed out.

"By which he means," Rodney supplied as he headed toward the table, "a dinner _he_ prepared, because all I did was make the salad."

"Aye, and dip yer finger in the butter sauce I was making for the fish," Carson said with a smile.

"It smelled really good," Rodney said in his defense as he sat, watching Carson finally light the candles. The delicious smell Rodney remembered filled the room once again as the oven was opened and the baked 'Athosian trout' as Carson insisted on calling it, was removed. Rodney lifted the lid on the soup tureen already sitting on the table, letting the scent of the wild Athosian mushroom soup it contained mingle with those of the trout. Rodney saw, with satisfaction, that he was not the only one whose mouth seemed to be watering now, as John closed his eyes to inhale deeply and Radek was hungrily fingering his silverware.

"Go ahead and start with the salad, lads," Carson said as he moved the fish onto a serving plate and applied some finishing touches. "I'll be right there."

Radek produced a 'Leatherman' tool from his pocket from which he extracted a corkscrew and proceeded to open the wine. He poured a measure into each of their glasses, having pocketed the tool once more, and was just pouring Carson's when the man finally came to the table, bearing the artfully dressed entree.

Conscientiously, Rodney held back from starting to eat as he took the platter of fish off Carson's hands while he settled into his place at the table. Then Radek was raising his glass and the three of them followed suit as Radek smiled widely and said, "Na zdravi," touching all of their glasses to his own.

"Na what?" Rodney asked after his first sip of wine, and John laughed.

"It means, 'to health,' right?" he turned to Radek to verify, and Radek nodded in confirmation.

"A lot of cultures use that as a toast," Carson observed, "and it's a good one, but I'd like to offer something for our own occasion, I think." He looked thoughtfully at his raised glass, and then at the other three at the table with him, his gaze lingering on each of their faces for a brief moment.

"'To New Beginnings' seems like it might be appropriate," he mused out loud, glass in hand, "but when I think on it, the toast that seems best to me now is just... 'To Us', because that's what we're beginning today."

They all touched glasses again, eyes meeting as each pair of glasses clinked. Carson touched Rodney's glass first and his deep blue eyes were filled with such happiness Rodney could almost feel it overflowing into his own heart. Radek's eyes were bright and sparkling with mischievous joy, and John's almost smoldered with anticipation and desire that made Rodney's mouth go a little dry. He gulped his wine a little fast after that, but then Radek was refilling everyone's glasses and then it was time to eat at last.

Rodney began by digging into the salad with gusto, his elated mood and arousal having considerably fueled his apatite.

"Carson made the dressing too," he commented with his mouth full a few bites in, as the tangy blend of flavors delighted his taste buds and reminded him of its author.

"It's not such a difficult thing," Carson replied, regarding the slice of vegetable on his fork which, Rodney knew, had the shape and texture, and flavor, of a carrot, but was purple. "And it's not as if I can pop down to the grocery to pick up a bottle of Heinz blue cheese, now is it?"

"Also," said Radek with a smile, "this is better."

In fact, everything was fantastic, and Rodney was as pleased to see everyone enjoying the food as he was to see Carson accepting numerous compliments for his culinary skills. The food and wine relaxed everyone too, especially Rodney, who was still feeling a touch nervous, even after the very promising beginning they'd had. It eventually began to dawn on Rodney, however, that he might not be the only one feeling a little nervous, either, because they all lingered at the table after they'd done eating, finishing the last of the second bottle of wine, and no one seemed to quite know what to do next.

"Okay, you know what?" John finally said as the conversation began to clearly lag. "I've got this crazy idea. Why don't we all just get up and head over to the bedroom... maybe even take our shirts off? Just to get the ball rolling, you know?"

"Well I have no objections," Radek said, setting his empty glass down as he stood. "And I'll bring the chocolate too."

Rodney mustered his bravado and stood as well. "That settles that then," he said. "'Cause I'm going wherever the chocolate goes."

"Man's got a point," John said, following suit, and Carson just laughed and did likewise.

Rodney schooled himself not to look back to see if the others were coming as he tagged along after Radek. No one was going to change their minds, he repeated to himself. They all wanted this, and unless he missed his guess, they'd all been just as turned on as he'd been by the kiss they'd shared at the start of the evening. Thinking of that kiss, Rodney felt the desire rise in him again and it positively spiked as he stepped through the bedroom door and saw Radek.

Radek had wasted no time, and was just lifting the sweater away from his long, amply furred torso as Rodney entered. He paused to stretch when he had pulled it over his head -graceful arms lifted high, his back arching just a bit, and Rodney's mouth went dry again. Well, he knew the place where he could slake that thirst, and Radek seemed to be on the same page. Rodney welcomed Radek's mouth thirstily, opening to let his tongue explore where it would as Rodney did likewise, plumbing the warm, wet depths of his lover's mouth.

Radek's tongue wasn't the only thing doing a little exploring, as a moment later Rodney felt Radek's hands moving up his torso, fingers coming to find his nipples and pinching them playfully through his shirt. He gave a little gasp of pleasure, breaking off the kiss to see that Radek had his eyes closed, and an utterly dreamy smile of his face.

"Always I have wanted to play with these," he said happily. "From the very first time I met you."

"What, in Siberia?" Rodney asked, surprised.

"Of course," Radek said, pinching a little harder -which was having downright debilitating effects on both Rodney's brain function, and the steadiness of his legs. "When I first saw them, I thought they must be that way because of the cold, but here, even in the summer, they are quite prominent, all the time, and it has been a terrible temptation."

"I didn't think I could be the only one to notice," said another voice from behind Rodney, nearly right in his ear. He assumed that it was John's hands as well, lifting his shirt so that Radek had access to his skin. Rodney whimpered as Radek's fingers found his nipples again, pinching and squeezing gently, and it was a good thing John had come to wrap his arms around Rodney from behind, because he wasn't sure he was capable of holding himself up anymore.

He became damned sure when he felt Radek's mouth follow where his fingers had been a moment later, because that was when his knees just plain gave way, and that was when he also noticed that it was the bare skin of John's chest at his back... and that he wasn't wearing a shirt anymore either... somehow.

"Aye, I don't think it's possible for a person not to notice Rodney's nipples," said a familiar brogue, and there was some very familiar fingers toying with the nipple that wasn't being sucked and tongued by Radek. "Unless, of course, it's you, love," Carson concluded, lips moving against Rodney's face even as he spoke, and it was somehow easier for Rodney to tip his head and meet those lips with his own than not.

He was surrounded, caressed deliciously by mouths and hands... and being maneuvered over to the bed all at the same time. It had to be some feat of engineering genius that he had come to be lying on his back in the bed, with Radek and Carson on either side of him, without their ever having them take their mouths off him.

 _"The... mechanics..."_ Rodney recalled Radek saying earlier, _"is easier than you think it would be... if the chemistry is good."_ And damn if that didn't seem to be the case. All the things Rodney had thought he'd have to worry about were one by one vanishing into inconsequence, and the sensation was shockingly liberating.

~*****~


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A climax of many climaxes.

Now that he was lying down and no longer concerned with trying to balance or support himself, Rodney found that he had some processing space in his brain for working his hands, and one of them went immediately to run fingers through Radek's disorderly, silken hair. Rodney felt as much as heard the man moan happily at the contact, and he hummed happily in response.

Rodney's other hand came, almost by instinct, to wrap around Carson -also shirtless, it became apparent- and pull him even closer. Carson sighed happily at the closeness, dropping his head to mouth Rodney's shoulder as his fingers continued to play with Rodney's left nipple. Looking up now, Rodney came to see that John was crouched over him, bearing an expression like that of a cat gazing down at a piece of cheese. Rodney had all of a second to take in the dark gleam of anticipation in his eyes before John's mouth descended on his, taking him with almost ravenous desire.

It was almost with surprise, but not really, that Rodney found an equal measure of desire in him to match John's, and for a little while everything else dropped away. Then Carson shifted his head a little further down to take Rodney's left nipple in his own mouth and wave of sudden pleasure wrung a sharp groan from him, and had Rodney's hips lifting seemingly of their own accord. "Oh god," he whimpered, nearly overcome, for a moment, at the realization that he had Radek's mouth on his right nipple, Carson's on his left, and John's somehow knowing to nibble at that special spot just under his ear... Rodney moaned and thrust his hips again, helplessly.

Given the real possibility that he was shortly going to end up embarrassing himself if this kept up, Rodney wasn't too heartbroken when Radek moved off a moment later, to capture John's mouth in his own. It was certainly damned hot to watch in any case. He didn't so much mind it when Carson moved his mouth from Rodney's other nipple to John's ear either, because John took advantage of the shift in positions to lower his whole body on to Rodney's, grinding his hips against his.

"Oh fuck," moaned Rodney, clearly able to feel John's hard cock pressing against his own, through two pairs of trousers. Not certain how it could be done, Rodney was nonetheless suddenly quite sure of one thing.

"Pants..." he gasped. "Gone... now..." As fantastic as it was to feel the length of John's body stretched over his, the presence of any barrier between them was fast becoming unbearable.

"Fuck yes," John groaned, concurring, but seemingly unable to do anything about it at the moment, as he continued to writhe and thrust against Rodney. Other hands came to their aid then, however. Hands shifted John off of him, lifting his hips to pull his trousers away, and they joined Rodney's in pushing his away as well, rolling him this way and that to get them out from under him.

When this had finally been accomplished, Rodney found himself lying on his side, facing Radek, and helping the man get his own pants off. Rodney let his hands chase the garments down Radek's legs, feeling the lean muscles, the warm skin, the firm but shapely ass. Looking over the expanse of unbroken skin before him, Rodney just couldn't not taste. He couldn't keep his lips off the small hard nipples lost in the abundant hair, or the soft little bit of belly, or stop himself from continuing to move further down...

Radek's cock was hard and fairly substantial, and Rodney wanted it. "Oh, I can see how you're wanting a taste of that," he heard Carson say, and he was watching, of course. And he wanted to watch Rodney suck Radek's cock, which was hotter than anything Rodney could imagine, and so he did. He touched it with his lips, taking in the velvet softness of it, and the wonderful undone sound Radek made when he did.

Rodney kissed the head, sucked on it, licked and breathed over it while Radek moaned and grasped at Rodney's head. Carson was still near too, murmuring, "Aye, that's lovely that is..." and his hands moved, caressing over Rodney's skin as Rodney opened his throat to take it all in, deeper and deeper. Carson's murmuring became muffled for a moment, and out of the corner of his eye Rodney could see John leaning down to find Carson's mouth with his own.

Sucking Radek's cock was good, really good, Rodney mused, but doing it while Carson and John watched... while they kissed each other as they watched... there were no words for how hot that was. It was only when he felt John's hand on his own cock, stroking it skillfully, that Rodney realized how much hotter everything was going to get. Rodney felt John’s hands falter a little, a moment later, and heard him break off the kiss, moaning, “Oh fuck… yes…” into Carson’s skin, and clearly Carson was doing something to him, Rodney just couldn’t figure out quite what, and couldn’t bring himself to relinquish Radek’s cock to find out.

“Ah love,” Carson murmured into John’s ear. “I can see you like that. I’m thinking you’d like Rodney to fuck you, wouldn’t you, lad?”

John made an incoherent sound in reply, and now Rodney knew what Carson was doing, for he had seen Radek slip him the lube a little while ago, and Carson’s slick fingers would be inside John now, stretching him, preparing him for Rodney’s cock. Rodney felt said member twitch with anticipation, and he moaned around Radek’s cock, making Radek moan in turn and clutch his fingers even more tightly in Rodney’s hair.

Rodney had been thinking that he would have to leave off of Radek’s cock when it came time to fuck John, which he was quite looking forward to, as much as he was loath to give up what he had. To his surprise, however, he soon found John climbing up to kneel, straddling him, pushing Rodney’s hips to lie flat on the bed. This left Rodney’s shoulders twisted to the side, a little, but not too much, and as John’s hand stroking his cock was now slick with lube, Rodney figured he had a pretty good idea of how he was meant to fuck John.

Rodney would really have liked to watch John’s face as he slowly impaled himself on Rodney’s cock, but to do that he’d have had to turn his head and lose Radek’s cock. Rodney was greedy though, and wanted to keep what he had, so he closed his eyes instead, letting himself enjoy the experience through sensations alone, and that was, after all, more than enough. 

With his eyes closed, Rodney could really get into the wonderful textures of Radek’s hard flesh against his tongue, and the way it filled his mouth. He could feel the closeness of John’s body over his too, could feel the subtle shifting as he prepared to move closer still. Rodney was aware, as well, of hands -Carson’s surely and perhaps Radek’s too- steadying John as he lowered himself, and Rodney could feel John’s thighs trembling a little as he held himself back for a moment. Then all those sensations were momentarily blotted out as Rodney felt his own hard sex meeting John’s body, pressing against his opening and pushing its way inside.

Briefly, all of Rodney’s awareness was of the world of tight, slick heat surrounding him, enclosing him, taking him deeper and deeper… and then that world was thrown open by the sound of John’s voice, choking out an incoherent cry, and then there was Rodney’s own voice following it, muffled at first by his mouthful of cock, but then he had to let it go to gasp out his pleasure, and John’s name.

It was without thinking that Rodney opened his eyes as well now, and so was treated to the sight of John, thighs spread wide as he straddled Rodney’s body, cock up-thrust and weeping, back arched with pleasure and head thrown back, his throat exposed like a sacrifice, and his mouth open in ecstasy. The image was purest porn, and the knowledge that this beautiful, wanton creature also had Rodney’s cock buried deep inside him meant that he, himself, was a part of this beauty. It was a revelation of earth shattering proportions, and hotter than anything Rodney had words for. 

The words that did come out of his mouth were, “Oh god, John…” and his hips thrust, adding motion to this perfect tableau. John shuddered in response, grinding his hips down hard against Rodney, so that his full weight rested against him, and Rodney reveled in the sensation of John’s body surrounding him, taking him as deep as he possibly could. 

Other impressions began to filter in now as well, voices first –Carson’s, his brogue darkening his words to sound guttural and hungry as he murmured about ‘god’ and ‘beautiful’ all intermixed with various profanities, and Radek’s, all rolled ‘r’s and an excess of consonants. In the midst of these, Rodney caught his name, transformed yet still recognizable.

“Ano, ano, ano, prosím, Rodney, prosím, prosím…“ Rodney even recognized some of those words, and even if he didn‘t, Radek’s hands, pulling at his head, calling him back, made his desires clear. Rodney, naturally, had no objection to fulfilling them whatsoever.

Having his face buried in Radek’s groin did limit his field of vision, Rodney reflected with a small amount of regret, but the entirely novel sensations of his own cock thrusting deep into one lover’s ass while another lover fed Rodney his cock more than compensated for his loss of visual stimulus. The voices and sounds surrounding did much to add to the experience as well, for he could plainly make out John's panting moans, coming in rhythm with his own movements, Radek's broken whimpers, coinciding with the clutching of his fingers into Rodney's hair, and Carson's soft murmurings, in a voice roughened with desire.

"Oh, aye, you're going to feel so good around my cock, lad," he was saying. "So hot and tight and wanting to take me deep. Oh, I can feel how you want it love... and I'm wanting to give it to ye..."

That explained the sudden shudders Rodney had felt moving through Radek's body that had not seemed to follow any particular action of his own. Carson must have his fingers deep inside Radek even now, even as Rodney sucked his cock, a mere handful of centimeters away. Eyes still closed, immersed in the moment, Rodney found it too easy to tell when Carson finally removed his fingers, for Radek gave a bereft little cry and thrust into Rodney's mouth, chasing after what he had left.

Radek wasn't left wanting for long, however, for even now Rodney could feel Carson shifting on the bed, moving up close behind Radek and lifting him slightly so that he could slip an arm under him. Rodney could feel Radek relax as he was enclosed in Carson's arms, then tense again so that Rodney knew that Carson was pressing against him, pushing his way inside, filling him with his own cock as John was filled with Rodney's.

"Ah love... ah love... so good..." Carson's voice was harsh and nearly broken and Radek's lifted in a high, keening counterpoint. For a moment they both lay still, Radek's hands even stilling against Rodney's head -though John continued to fuck himself rhythmically on Rodney's cock. Then Radek thrust back, pulling himself a little way from Rodney's mouth and pressing Carson's cock deeper inside him.

Carson groaned loudly and thrust back, forcing Radek's hips forward and forcing his cock down Rodney's throat. Rodney just opened his throat and took it, glorying in all of it and moaning helplessly with pleasure. Now Radek's fingers tightened once again against Rodney's skull and he began to take control, moving Rodney's head up and down on his cock to match the rhythm of Carson pumping into him from behind.

Rodney couldn't have been more pleased, because his neck had been starting to ache and this took all the pressure off. Now all he had to do was relax and let Radek fuck his mouth while John pushed himself up and down on Rodney's cock. Granted, Rodney's hips did seem to move of their own accord from time to time, but there was no higher brain function involved in this movement at all, and it wasn't exactly coordinated.

What it was, was good, really good, better than anything Rodney had ever known, not only because he had never in his life experienced quite so much pleasure for himself, but because, Rodney discovered to his amazement, the fact of his lovers' pleasure meant nearly as much -their experience adding to his own.

It was almost as if he, himself, was enjoying the enclosing warmth of Radek's body around his cock, as if he was taking pleasure in the mouth and lips and tongue worshiping Radek's cock, as if he was feeling the hard length of his cock filling John's body, thrusting into him as he fucked himself on it. The cries and touches and experiences of his three lovers became his experience as well, and it was like nothing Rodney could ever have imagined.

Their experiences having become all one, Rodney did not need to see to reach out with one hand to find John's cock and wrap around it, and he did not need words to know that Radek was doing the same, and that Carson was shifting one hand down from where he'd been playing with Radek's nipples to take a place on Rodney's head, continuing to guide him, in concert with Radek's remaining hand, up and down on Radek's cock. Intertwining his fingers with Radek's, as they spread the precum over the length of John's cock, was nearly as hot as the feel of John's cum slicked cock under his hand.

There was an awareness amongst the four of them, that this was likely to push John over the edge, and that when one started the others would undoubtedly follow. The climax they were coming to crave would also bring an end to the pleasures they were enjoying now, Rodney knew in some part of his brain that wasn't rendered useless with pleasure, but that same part, still remarkably capable of reflective thought, knew that while this evening's pleasures must end, others would follow. That awareness did, somehow, manage to seep into Rodney's otherwise pleasure soaked consciousness and it made his heart leap with anticipation.

John's fast approaching climax, evident from the increasing volume and tempo of his cries, might herald the end of this evening's pleasures, but not an end to this... whatever it was that lay between the four of them. That was just beginning, and Rodney knew he would place tonight along with the day he first came to Atlantis as among the most important beginnings in his life.

~*****~


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Completion and conclusion.

John's increasingly desperate motions on his cock, however, were quickly driving every other consideration right out of Rodney's mind. He was close, so close; Rodney could feel it in the way John's whole body was trembling... then it was stiffening, back arching and John let lose a choked cry -almost a scream- and Rodney felt the hot, slick spurts of cum pulsing out between his and Radek's intertwined fingers.

Deep inside John, Rodney's cock was squeezed and caressed by John's convulsing body as he came and that, unsurprisingly, proved to be the last straw for Rodney. The combination of sensations ticked something over in him, resulting in a veritable explosion of heat and pleasure and desire emanating from the center of his sex, flooding outward to fill his whole body to overflowing. He had to open his mouth then, to release some of this flood in a near shriek of ecstasy just as another sort of release flooded into John's body. Rodney's own body spasmed with the force of this climax, and, incredibly, it went on and on, blinding him, deafening him, and seizing his body where it thrashed and shuddered between his lovers.

The ringing in his ears was just beginning to fade when he heard Radek's voice, desperate, warning, calling out his name and Rodney responded instinctively, turning his head to take Radek's cock in his mouth once again and suck for all he was worth. It didn't take long, perhaps a handful of seconds, before Rodney heard Radek groan, loud and low and pulled from someplace deep inside him -likely the same place as the salty pulses Rodney could taste on his tongue now. Radek's thrusting became wild and uncoordinated for a moment, just as his fingers clutched painfully at Rodney's short cropped hair, and with his slowly returning awareness, Rodney knew that right now Carson was feeling Radek's body throb around his cock, just as Rodney had felt John's a handful of seconds ago. It had the expected results.

Rodney knew well the sounds Carson made when he was coming, and he was hearing them now -the panting moans coming faster and faster, then the sudden shout, and Rodney knew that Carson was filling Radek's body with his seed, just as Radek had filled his mouth mere moments ago. The very idea was nearly hot enough to make Rodney come again, were such a thing possible, but since it really wasn't, Rodney let himself relax and bask in it all.

Letting Radek's now softening cock slip from his mouth at last, Rodney opened his eyes and let his head roll back so that his shoulders were lying flat on the bed. John was slumped above him, still kneeling, but breathing heavily and beginning to distinctly list to one side. Rodney had never, in all the time he'd known the man, ever seen John look so relaxed as he did now, eyes half lidded and his smile easy and unforced. He reached out almost languorously to trail his fingers over Rodney's face, and then bent just a little lower to kiss him.

Rodney hummed contentedly as he tasted John, and felt John's tongue taste him... and Radek, Rodney realized with a passing flash of arousal. The kiss was brief, however, for a moment later John was bending to the right to kiss Carson, then Radek, and then Radek was scooting down to kiss Rodney, and a moment later turning to kiss Carson. That was about the time that John finally lost the ability to hold himself upright and slowly collapsed on the bed to Rodney's right, at which point Rodney finally slipped out. He shuddered slightly at the sensation -the echo of recent pleasures- and then turned his head to see Carson bending over him now, dipping his head to take Rodney, his first lover, in a deep and passionate kiss.

Rodney reveled in the comfort of the familiar, after so much novelty, and indeed, kissing Carson had always been like coming home, to Rodney. Rodney had never had a place, or a person, that had ever really felt like home to him, until Atlantis, and until Carson. Carson had been the first person with whom Rodney had really felt free to be himself, and further, Carson had helped him find a lot of things about himself he'd long ago lost sight of. He'd become a 'self' that Rodney had never imagined before thanks to Carson, and that was why, even if he came to feel as comfortable and 'at home' with John and Radek as he did with Carson (which was almost true already anyhow), Carson would still be the center of that home, in some ways. Carson had found him first, and that was never going to change, no matter how many people he came to love, or who came to love him.

Rodney saw that Radek had been watching them when Carson finally drew back from the kiss, with an almost serene expression of joy on his face, and he saw that Radek understood all of those things about what Carson meant to Rodney, and rather than feeling jealous, it only seemed to make him happier. To his right, John lay now with his head resting on Rodney's shoulder and his smile was also affectionate and approving. Both of Rodney's new lovers, it seemed, knew how it was between Rodney and Carson, but then, Rodney reflected, they'd each helped him discover a part of himself too.

John had shown Rodney that he could be brave, in an 'action hero' sort of way that Rodney had never imagined that he could have ever really pulled off, and Radek... Radek had reunited Rodney with the joyful passion Rodney had once had for his work, but lost in the maze of academic politics and ambition. By being someone he could trust, both intellectually and personally, Radek had made a gift of himself to Rodney of unparalleled worth.

All these gifts, and all these joys were things, Rodney reflected, that he'd never imagined he'd have in his life, and if he felt at all deserving of such things, well, he had Carson to thank for that too. For so much of his life, Rodney had felt deeply ashamed of the part of him that always felt so needy, so desperate to be cared for and nurtured. The day that he realized that Carson Becket's need to nurture and care for someone was as strong as his need to be nurtured, was the day Rodney's life had changed, and the day that they'd both taken the first step on the road that had lead here.

Rodney understood now that he had gifts of his own to offer -the answer to Radek's long search to find someone who could really challenge him, intellectually, and the unflinching respect and honesty John so desperately craved- and as giving these gifts came effortlessly to him, he also came to understand that the gifts he received came just as naturally. It had been hard, at first, to really believe that he was neither being used nor indulged, but it was Carson who had taught him that it was possible.

It was Carson, of course, the care-taker and nurturer -who'd had to let others care for him when they'd thought Rodney lost- who reached down now to pull a quilt over the four of them where they lay, as their hearts all gradually came to slow, and their bodies to cool. The comfortable warmth that soon enclosed him seemed to extend right into his heart, and Rodney found a ridiculous smile growing on his face as he lay, warm and sated and surrounded by his lovers, in the dimly lit room. Maybe no one but Rodney would ever think that anything needed to be said at that point, but he was who he was, and he'd learned than no one here expected or wanted anything different from him.

"So..." he said in a sleepily satisfied voice, "just to be sure we're all on the same page here, this is happening again, as often as possible, yes?"

Carson laughed, Radek smiled and kissed his ear, and John murmured muzzily, "Oh hell yes." Rodney felt his grin grow wider, but then, a moment later, he felt Radek's expression grow a little serious.

"John," he said softly, "this is going to be hard to hide. There is no small risk to you, staying here with us too often..."

John drew a breath, reaching across to place his hand on Radek's where it lay over Rodney's heart. "I, ah, had a little lesson in priorities recently," he said quietly, "and I'm not risking anything important. There's no power in the world that going to make me leave here, or the three of you, and stuff like a rank and a pension... they're kinda small potatoes."

Everyone kind of had to kiss John after than, naturally, so there was a lot of shifting around on the bed and when they were all settled again, Carson was ensconced between Rodney and John and Radek was lying on Rodney's right, rather than his left. He'd also had an unpleasant surprise when he'd first lain down in this new spot and found himself lying on the bottle of lube -which was fortunately sealed.

"The logistics of all this," Radek had said with a smile as he took the jar out of Rodney's hands to lay it on the nightstand, "may prove to be a bit more complicated than I had imagined."

"Mmm, not so much," Rodney replied, snuggling contentedly between two of his three lovers. "Just something new to get used to... but then, I am a genius..."

"And I am also genius," Radek bristled playfully, "as you know perfectly well!"

"Well if I'm not mistaken," Carson's voice was kindly reproving, just a bit, "everyone in this bed has a considerably higher than average intelligence."

"Mmmm..." murmured John in an unintended Homer Simpson-like drawl. "Brains sexy."

"Well of course they are," said Rodney. "In fact, I'd say they were the sexiest thing about everyone here."

"Especially you, yes?" Radek said, smiling against his shoulder.

There was a long beat of quiet before Rodney caught the underhanded insult in Radek's compliment. "Hey..." he objected.

"Now, now..." Carson placated, "you've plenty of attractive qualities besides your enormous brain, love, rest assured." John and Radek both made quiet, agreeing noises and Rodney was mollified.

"You know, I..." Rodney wasn't sure why he suddenly felt like he needed to say this, but he did, in spite of how hard it still was, so he didn't stop himself. "I... really do, um, love... um, well, all of you... right?"

"Oh, aye love," Carson said softly, tracing his fingers over Rodney's cheek. "And ye know we all feel the same about you." There was a reiteration of the concurring noises, and Radek kissed him on the cheek.

"Yeah..." Rodney said, his voice tinged with wonder, and a long, quiet moment later, when he found that the wonder, and the pure happiness were still there, having evidently taken up permanent residence in his heart, Rodney quietly said, "Wow..."

Never had such a brief, meaningless word ever meant so much.

 

=FIN=

(c) Taylor Dancinghands  
February 20, 2009

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Czech lexicon:
> 
> Fakt? = Really?!
> 
> Cože? (tso-je) = what's that?
> 
> Samozřejmě (sam-oz-rjei-mnei) = naturally/of course


End file.
